Who do you think you are? When making a mistake derails everything (Part 1 of 3)

***Please note this article discusses disordered eating. Take care when reading.***

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The Mistake Mindset

Do you like M&Ms??

You know, those colourful little chocolates that melt in your mouth and not in your hand? I ask because I knew a girl who refused to eat a single M&M for $100.

Yes, 1 little M&M for $100 smackeroonies.

It was less about the fact it was an M&M, but rather because of what that M&M represented: failure.

This was a girl who HAD to have a PERFECT diet so she could have the PERFECT body to get the PERFECT guy to live the PERFECT life.

And perfect diets do NOT include M&Ms - because they have sugar, and sugar, at least to her, was the equivalent of Satan.

She knew that if she had that single M&M it would spin her down a dark spiral - first the M&M, then the whole pack… what the hell, might as well eat the rest of the leftover cake and skip the gym at that point, eh?

Maybe you can relate to this feeling? Even if it’s not about diets or eating M&Ms per se, but the experience of when you are so focused on trying to achieve something by doing ‘everything right’ that one little slip derails the whole thing?

I can certainly relate to this, because that girl who wouldn’t eat the M&M for $100, was me.

Dr Jekyl & Mr Hyde

This was during my Master degree way back in 2006 at York University (Toronto, Canada). The reality is, these were some of the worst years of my life, which I hid extremely well.

I hid the fact that I was painfully lonely. Sure I was surrounded by amazing friends, especially my best friend JerBear (nickname). But the truth is, I just wanted… actually scratch that, I desperately needed to be loved.

As a result of my loneliness, I became a stage five clinger. I was ‘that woman’ in the bar that you did NOT want to make eye contact with, because if you did make that mistake, I would start planning our wedding right then and there before you even bought me a drink.

I also hid my worsening eating disorder, something that I fought with for the previous 12 years.

Yet on the outside, I was that stereotypical University girl in the movies: Dean’s List, graduated Summa Cum Laude which set me up to get a fully paid scholarship for my Master’s degree.

At the time I would describe myself as “a perfectionistic high achiever who could never achieve enough while being terrifyingly afraid of what people thought of me.”

The thought of someone saying to me “Who do you think you are?” was my achilles heel.

“You think you’re all that but the truth is, you’re nobody”.

Ooof - gut punch.

Like the imaginary girl I spoke about before (who in reality, was me), the MO of my mindset was to have a perfect diet so I could get the perfect body to get the perfect guy so I could live the perfect life.

Because this, to me, was the recipe for happiness. But also the recipe to be loved, never hated, and never criticised.

So there we were - all of us labmates sitting around chatting. A guy named Sergio was eating a bag of M&Ms, and like all good Canadians, sharing it around.

Everyone took a handful and enjoyed the sweet tenderness of those little bite-sized chocolates.

I declined, of course.

Everyone knew of my iron will when it came to my diet and exercise regime, so they weren’t that surprised.

But they wanted to see ‘just how strict’ I could be.

People threw in some money and bet me to eat a single M&M.

I didn’t cave.

I had to appear perfect, at least in public.

Behind closed doors, different story.

It was like I was Dr Jekyl in public, well respected and socially liked. But that strict diet during the day became a complete loss of control at night where I became Mr Hyde, the devil with no control.

My Scum-Of-The-Earth Secret

I was a binge eater.

Now for those who aren’t familiar, binge eating isn’t “oh gosh, I shouldn’t have had that second piece of cake”. It is a complete loss of control and in fact classified psychological illness (I would argue a physical illness, but will leave that for another day).

The best way that I can describe how it feels, although painfully shameful to admit, is picture that you have a choice between two things:

On the left of you, there is a bucket of ice cream.

To your right, there is a burning child stuck under a bus that desperately needs saving.

When I was in the depths of binge eating - I would have chosen the bucket of ice cream, every, damn, time.

Binge eating makes you feel like the scum of the earth.

During this period my daily routine was:

1. Be perfect during the day
2. On the way home from school, buy my ‘no’ foods - cookies, ice cream, etc.
3. Binge to the point of excruciating pain (although often that didn’t even stop me).
4. Sleep (or at least try to).
5. Wake up and torture myself with exercise.
6. Rinse, repeat.

False start

Just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse, I finished my MSc. What the heck am I going to do now?

After trying my hand at corporate life (where I spent most of my time secretly bingeing from my desk drawer), I got a chance to escape. I received a fully paid scholarship to complete my PhD at The University of Western Australia, (Perth, WA).

Beautiful beaches and hot guys? I’m in! I’m saved! Ha ha, so there world! Look at me go!

I was going to outrun my problems - new country, new me!

I had the mother of all mood boards in my mind: I was turning 30 and had a plan to get the life I wanted:

Stick to the perfect diet so I could have the perfect body to get the perfect guy to live the perfect life.

What could go wrong?

Find out next week, in Part 2 of this 3 part series.

Until we meet again next week, stay fabulous.

Dr K x

????♀? Hi there! I'm Katherine.

I'm a 5'1 recovering high-achieving people-pleaser, shoe addict and motivational keynote speaker who?challenges people to take bigger risks by letting go of the imaginary judgement and criticism that holds them back.

My talks focus on leading more authentically and wearing our masks a little less, so we can take those scary steps that truly propel our careers and businesses forward—without worrying about looking ‘stupid’ if we fail or mess up.

If this sounds like a topic you might like to explore for your future events—so your audience can drop their acts and make a bigger impact within their professional careers and organisations—I’d love to hear from you.

(I’d also love to hear from Chris Hemsworth, but that’s a story for another day).

?? Website - www.drkatherine.com

?? Email - [email protected]