"Who Do You Pray To?"

"Who do you pray to?"

A question I’ve been asked many times and in several different ways. It comes from curiosity, maybe some misguided concern, and always from people whom I have respected and loved for a long time.

So, who do I pray to?

I was raised Christian. Catholic originally, and then Christian as I got older. I met some of the most amazing people in the world. And somehow I also gained a significant amount of shame.

I didn’t fit in the box.

I was gay. Something was “wrong” with me. I had absolutely no self-esteem because no matter how nice I was, how giving, how loving...no matter how much praise I received, no matter whom it came from...underneath it all, I knew I was bad, gross, dirty, NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

Not enough.

I had failed God and I was definitely failing everyone else. I carried that for so many years.

I spent several of my teenage years trying to get right with the fact that I would choose to be childless, single, and celibate. For God. I would give up my deepest desires because I just wanted Him to see how much I loved Him. Because even if I didn’t understand His ways, I knew they were higher than MY ways, my desires.

But then, I couldn’t keep it in anymore.

So I felt like I had to choose. And I chose “wrong.” I chose love, acceptance of myself, grace, and compassion.

I chose me.

It took many, MANY years for me to even begin to be comfortable with myself and my sexuality. And I am NEVER going back. I am going to continue loving myself, my sexuality, sex, and all of the good things life has to offer.

Thank god I finally realized I didn’t have to choose. It wasn’t God OR myself. It was God/Divine IN myself.

That light that you see in me, that’s God, that’s Source, that’s Love, that’s Light. For several years I have explored the reality that I am “spiritual and not religious.”

What does that mean for me? It means I sing praise songs AND Lizzo. I am inspired by Bible verses AND other spiritual and non-spiritual texts. I relate to people of all religions AND no religion. I love people AND I love me.

Love is abundant. Never-ending. There really is no cap.

And that is where all of me comes from. It is where I begin and end my days, where I go when I am sad and scared, where I return to when I need to pray for those around me, what I seek when my heart breaks with a fellow human, and where I find my joy. It’s Love. You call him God/Goddess/Universe/Source/Love/Divine/Light/Yahweh. I call it Love.

Different names, one source. Love.

My question to you -- instead of “whom do you pray to,” I’m curious, what lights up your soul?