Who can I be today?

Many people, at least recently, have been saying that I'm quite an outgoing person; I wholeheartedly disagree. I'm friendly, and I can be quite energetic but I am a certified overthinker, trapped in my head, with words on the tip of the tongue, worrying about the perception that others place on me and what smart thing to say to contribute to a conversation and not seem like a nervous mute. 

Right now, my exploration of the self has let me delve deeper into my own brain and study the crazy in my head. Introverts are as organically and unintentionally stoic in nature as they come. It's rather uncommon for an introvert to live life without exuding an IMMENSE aura of socially awkward tension (at least in my case). As a relatively reserved personality myself, I thought it would be interesting to break down the behavioral trends of introversion, and why they might occur, as far as I know. Or maybe not, we'll see where I go with this. 

It takes time to really understand how my brain works, I'm still poking around in there to scrap together what I can. From what I've noticed, I tend to struggle with conveying my thoughts and ideas, however profound they might be, into words and reality; this is why I took up writing, it's a skill I have no choice but to improve if I wish to build a legacy manifesting some creative outlet in my lifetime. 

I actually heard this theory somewhere that the brain operates and thinks in its own unique language, and translates to the mother tongue when the person tries to convey ideas outwards, which is why thoughts or emotions can sometimes feel impossible to express... because there simply aren't the words. It's pretty fascinating, but perhaps as a result, in the past, I tended to be quite surface-level or absent when I meet people for the first time. I struggle to captivate a person's mind or soul while behaving like my typical inexpressive self, I usually don't know what to say, small talk is not my forte. It takes time, for someone who meets me, to acclimate and understand to some extent, how my brain works and what kind of person I might be. I notice when I consciously make an effort to speak more, I have far less to say. It's not that I am uninterested in conversation, but am not one to speak without prompt, and far less, without purpose. If I don't feel like I can contribute in the present moment to a conversation, I will not speak, especially if the topic is out of my field of knowledge, then I remain quiet and listen with the intent to learn. I have no problem with this. One can learn a lot by listening to those around them. 

Since I'm so often seen vibing within the walls of my own head, I can seem like a crazy person at times, distinguishing myself from the social pack without intention; in a library brimming with studious minds, silent, and focused, out of the blue, totally alone and speaking to no one, he he hehhah, I'll chuckle to myself about nothing in particular but some thought on my mind. Instances like this disconnect my identity from the larger mass, it's not uncommon at all, yet, as I go through life one day at a time, I feel more isolated in my values, worldview, and behavioral tendencies, and that's alllllright, A-okay, fine and dandy, ideal even. The world is packed with nearly 8 billion of us, all juggling whatever life throws our way, surrounded by people also doing stuff and things, existing in their own world, within their own heads. We grow up influenced by our surroundings, and from conception to death, we're tossed into an existence which we, in the beginning, did not choose for our own. Our opinions are molded by those around us until we know enough to think for ourselves. 

Only recently have I been able to turn my mind off auto-pilot and take control of who I am. I've found my confidence through a lifetime of stumbling through trial, failure, and embarrassment. I seek it now. I'm not afraid like I was before, like I've always been. Everyone has insecurity and doubt, I'm not saying I've evolved into some greater being, but by searching within myself, I've discovered my own potential and ability.

It starts with what I said earlier, seek the discomfort. Think of it as conditioning, the more and more you expose yourself to hardship and resistance, naturally, the more comfortable you'll grow to be in high-stress situations, you'll build the confidence in your own ability to handle yourself. Your mind becomes clear, your heart and mind stay calm, instead of dread and fear, there's excitement and wonder.

What can I do today?

Surprise yourself! It's the mindset that matters.

What's strange is, as soon as we're capable of thinking for ourselves, society tries to pull us back into uniformity and compliance. Many people grow up, find independence and immediately turn around to chase the herd, pouring all their efforts into becoming the yeast of stale bread. 

Don't do it. You're a little nugget of freedom. Live like it mijo.

To create, to innovate, to destroy, and think differently, that's why humans are at the top of the food chain. We exist on a little speck in the middle of an infinitely expanding universe, it is pretty safe to say, as far as we know, there's not much like us out there. If you can think for yourself, good, don't let someone else think for you. From my observation, introverts and extroverts are just titles people put on themselves, I still tend to put it on myself and wear it like a badge of honor. It does nothing for me except give me an out at social gatherings, I've always been this way, I just like to listen. It's true, but it's also how people grow complacent, comfortable with what they have, they stop going out to search for more. I don't know exactly how I got to this, I was going to write about being shy and quiet, but that's the beauty of writing this down. I had no idea I'd end up here. This is pretty cool. Ok bye now, do with this wisdom what you will. 

Prayan Jegathees

Writer. Student. Speaker.

(Cool, handsome, kind, intelligent, etc.)