White People, We Need To Be Better And Do Better

My reflection on race and how white people can be better allies to people of color and other marginalized voices

Now that I got your attention, before you read this I want to be clear that these are my views alone. I cannot pretend to understand the extent of the repeated trauma that systematic racism has on a person of color. I am a white, privileged women and I am speaking to other white privileged people. I am writing this because I feel as though my silence is complicity, and we cannot solely depend on people of color to continue to bear the burden of being the only people speaking up and doing something in the face of racial injustice. My posts often reach very large audiences and I feel as though it's my duty to say something and do something.

I am Amy Cooper. I am the Karen's, the Becky's, the Susan's. Whatever your token for white women privilege is, I am her.

I am Amy Cooper. I am the Karen's, the Becky's, the Susan's. Whatever your token for white women privilege is, I am her. White people, we have dropped the ball and we continue to drop the ball. The more I say I am not these people - that I'm not racist - the more I buy into the narrative that "not all white people are the problem," and the more I am saying that racism has a place in today's society. I am the Amy's, whether intentional or not, because I reap the rewards of our current system, while allowing others to be systematically oppressed, hurt, and murdered. The current system isn't working. It was never working. I am the problem the longer I stay silent and complicit. White people, the longer we try to separate ourselves from the narrative, the more we are buying into systematic racism and social injustices with our ignorance. I've been asking myself the last few days here what it means to be an ally and if I've been failing. I am opening admitting that I have been failing; I need to be a better ally. I need to be better and I need to do better.

Before someone comes at me saying "All Lives Matter," yes, you're right, they do, but right now the pain is with our fellow humans who are people of color. While your story and experiences are valid as a white person, right now we need to love, support, lift, and stand by people of color. It's not about you right now, it's about people of color and how we can do better together. By stating all lives matter, we further erase and gaslights one's truth and experience while not allowing us to listen, understand, and grow from each other. White people, no one is saying your life wasn't hard or that you didn't face your own hardships, but we are saying that because you are white, you didn't feel the FURTHER oppression ther a person of color has to deal with. It's not the Oppression Olympics here, it's not about trying to prove that your hardship has been worse than anyone else's.

As a non-straight women, I can say my life has been harder due to my sexual orientation, however, I know that my life would be even harder and full of further oppression if I was a queer women of color. That's what privilege eludes to (also, hello intersectionality - your identities are interconnected regarding privilege and oppression; look it up). Speaking of definitions, the literal dictionary definition of privilege is "a right or immunity granted as a peculiar benefit, advantage, or favor." It's more than that though - it defines who the haves and the have nots are, who society has deemed worthy of life and its rewards. I know that being white has made my life a heck of a lot easier due to our system that rewards whiteness, and punishes others. This leads many white people to becoming an ally. But what are some of the fundamentals that go into being an ally and how can we be stronger allies together?

Privilege is "a right or immunity granted as a peculiar benefit, advantage, or favor." It's more than that though - it defines who the haves and the have nots are, who society has deemed worthy of life and its rewards.

Listen

Sounds easy, huh? Yet surprisingly, listening is the most basic part of allyship that a lot of us miss the mark on. I do. I have a pretty dominating personality and have been known to speak over others (I'm working on it, I swear). What I do when I speak over others is I am subconsciously telling someone that I don't care what they have to say, nor does it matter to me. As allies, listening, empathizing, and just being there to hear someone's lived experiences is the most basic part of allyship. How can we begin to change and grow if we do not truly try to hear someone's lived experiences and struggles, and try take them on as our own as well? I think the reason we struggle with listening so much is because we automatically feel the need to get defensive when talking about tough topics like race. Maybe if we listened better and tried to put ourselves in other's shoes instead of getting defensive or thinking that any criticism is a personal attack, we'd be better at understanding and respecting each other.

Face Your Unconscious Bias and Microaggression

We all have biases. Some of those biases are unconscious, meaning we may not even realize they are there. Racism isn't solely about saying racist things, it's about thinking them too. Before I went into my Business program, I was studying Sociology. It was my second year, and I took a Theories in Race course. In this course the professor made us all sit in a circle and literally talk and face each other with experiences of racism. This class literally changed my life because before this I was absolutely oblivious to race and my privilege (and yes, Canadian's, we do have a race issue here too). The stories that my classmates shared are not mine to tell, but I remember some conversations and stories made me uncomfortable or feel defensive. This was the first time in my life that I was called out for my privilege, and it was in these moments that I realized that I had unconscious biases. I wasn't outwardly prejudice or racist against people who were different than me, but my mind had worked against me to create biases and classify people in my mind, or think unconscious racist thoughts. Once you are aware of your biases, you can start to lean into them and understand when your biases are impacting your reactions and thoughts on certain conversations and ideas. If you are feeling uncomfortable, rather than running from it, lean into it. This is when the greatest learning happens and you may uncover further biases you didn't realize you had.

If you are feeling uncomfortable, rather than running from it, lean into it. This is when the greatest learning happens and you may uncover further biases you didn't realize you had.

This is also related to microaggressions. Microaggressions, whether intentional or unintentional (due to our unconscious bias), are ways that we further indignify or insult people of color or those we have bias against. For example, holding your purse tighter when a black man enters the elevator, constantly pointing out that you can't understand someone due to their accent, pronouncing someone's name wrong even after they have corrected you, asking a person of color if you can touch their hair - these are all examples of microaggressions, and there are many examples to pull from beyond these. As a white person, we may think that these microaggressions are not a big deal, but overtime are used to reduce feelings of one's self worth, and further enforces the systematic injustices from racism. I remember reading a comparison of microaggressions to stones. One microaggression may not kill, but like throwing stones at a person, overtime they do damage, cause irreversible harm, and can kill.

Educate Yourself

A person of color is not responsible for educating you on race relations or the history of oppression and militarization against black people (for example). Someone from a marginalized community is not required to provide you materials to educate you. You are responsible for your own ignorance. It's like if someone came to you and asked for materials to speak for all white people. Sounds silly, right? You do not speak for all white people and it is not your job to educate the population on white people as a whole. Expecting black people right now to educate you on race is tokenizing that person, and placing the voice of that population on the back of one person. This is also like saying in conversation that you have a black friend to try and look aware and cultured. Good for you, do you want a cookie? People are unique individuals with unique experiences and you owe it to those individuals to understand and digest a plethora of credible sources to impact and influence your stance on social issues.

In today's society, there are so many resources you can use to educate yourself on the history of racism in the US (or Canada - again, we don't get a free pass here either Canadians). You can read books, watch podcasts, visit websites, read scholarly articles, sign petitions, and so on. Tokenizing is lazy and adds further trauma and burden on an already marginalized population, so own your education. The only one in your way is you. Now is not the time to run to your black friends and ask how to be a better ally - own it and do it yourself.

Tokenizing is lazy and adds further trauma and burden on an already marginalized population, so own your education. The only one in your way is you.

Show Up And Make Space

If you are able to show up to demonstrations, protests, conversations, panels, etc., do it. There is support in numbers, and by demonstrating that white people are in support of black rights, you are saying that you are not buying into a system of racism and intolerance. I say this with a caveat. Show up and show your support, but don't make it about you and don't drown out the voices of people of color. How many times do you see a protest for BLM and the reporter asks the white women her thoughts, even though the protest organizer who is a women of color is right beside her? If you are asked your opinion, first see if there is someone who can speak better for the cause, and if there is, try to amplify their voice and story. Also, if you are sharing someone's story or personal experiences, make sure you have their consent to do so. It's okay to share your experiences, but there is a time and a place.

Here's a personal example that looking back on embarrasses me. In university with our Pride Centre, I helped role out the first Trans* Day of Remembrance. I am a cis-gendered women and I am not Trans*. After this event, I was asked to speak on a Trans* Awareness Panel as an ally. I showed up, but I spoke way too much - I took up space from those who should have had the floor to voice their stories and lived experiences. I basically read a full monologue of tips for allies. Instead, what would have been more beneficial for everyone was for the audience to hear the stories and experiences from my fellow panel members. That was not the time of place for me to take up space and I made it about me instead of the cause.

That was not the time of place for me to take up space and I made it about me instead of the cause.

Get Over Your White Guilt

Okay, so now you know you have unconscious bias, you are aware of microaggressions, and maybe you could be a better ally. Good. You are now aware of this. Now is not the time to dwell on your white guilt. Instead, learn your shortcomings, educate yourself on the right thing to do, admit your flaws, apologize, and move on to be a better person. The longer you dwell on white guilt, the longer you make yourself the victim and take away from the cause. Again, it's not about you in this moment. Your stories and experiences are valid, but in this moment, take the spotlight off you and reflect on how you can better support the cause.

Do Something, But Most Importantly, Do It Because It's The Right Thing To Do

Okay, great, you did your black out box post on social media. Now what? Do something. What ever you can do is valid. For example, not everyone has the ability to attend protests or demonstrations - some people are burnt out or cannot attend an event for other physical or mental health reasons as well. No one is saying that you have to be on the front lines of a protest to show support. You can have talks with your friends and family, call out people for their microaggressions and racism in the moment, sign petitions, call/email/write your politicians, donate and support black owned and people of colored owned businesses, take an online course to keep up to date on social injustices, read credible news stories and share them with your network, write a post to share your feelings (hence why I am making this post now), and so on. At the end of the day, doing something is a start, as we all now know that silence is complicity.

At the end of the day, doing something is a start, as we all now know that silence is complicity.

On that note though, make sure that if you are doing something, it's not for your gold star or your cookie. Do good things because it's the right thing to do, not because you are looking for validation. Do good things regardless of who is around to give you praise of applaud you. Most importantly, do good things and call out injustices even when marginalized people aren't around. Seeking and receiving praise and validation for you allyship actions harms the cause and gives the credit to you, while continuing to hurt the disenfranchised. Share and speak up, but make sure it's for altruistic, not self-serving purposes.

Reflect On Your Allyship Often

I think this is something we all need a refresher on, myself included. I think current events and the death of George Floyd acts as a reminder of the importance of good allyship. Saying you are an ally is not enough. You need to stay educated on social issues, aware of your biases, cognizant of your actions, and ensure that when you say you're an ally, you mean it. Like other parts of our lives, we can sometimes ebb and flow over the allyship spectrum. Being aware when you start falling or dropping the ball will make it easier to shape up and ensure you are being the best ally that you can be in that moment. Reflecting on your short comings and owning your mistakes (like I did with that experience on that panel) empowers you to be a better and stronger ally. We are not perfect, and we will make mistakes, but reflecting on them and doing better next time is how you show you learned.

Reflecting on your short comings and owning your mistakes (like I did with that experience on that panel) empowers you to be a better and stronger ally.

Summary

To summarize, these are my thoughts alone as a white, privileged women. There are ways that we can support social causes and issues through allyship. Some of these include listening, understanding unconscious biases and microaggressions, educating yourself, showing up and making space, getting over your white guilt, and reflecting and improving on your allyship and what it means to be an ally. There is way more than this, and I highly encourage you to do research into allyship and what it means to be an ally - I know I will be.

Again, I am an Amy Cooper. I am the problem, and I need to be better and do better. We all need to be better and do better. I am challenging white people especially to be better and do better. How many more people need to die? How many more people need to be harmed by the system built on systematic racism? How many times do we need to claim that we will do better this time, only to go back to how it was before? I am part of the problem, and today and tomorrow on, I will be better and I will do better.