White Mum Raising Mixed Race Children - Emotional Aspects of Discussing Race and Racism in the UK

Amina Chitembo, Leadership Development Coach and Kirsty Anne Charge, Early Year Practitioner and White Mum Raising Mixed Race Children.

The marvellous Kirsty Anne Charge joins me. We are discussing the emotional aspects of being a white mum with mixed-race children, bearing in mind the current challenging aspects of racism and police brutality coming to the forefront of discussions amidst the COVID19 pandemic. Our discussion is in the context of the UK. These discussions aim to foster positive conversations.

Before we get into the conversation, I will ask Kirsty to tell us more about herself:

“Hi, my name is Kirsty Charge, a single mother to two mixed-race children. My daughter Cadence, who is 20 and my son Justice who is soon to be eighteen. Their father and I were born and raised in the United Kingdom. Cadence and Justice’s family on their dad’s side originate from St Vincent in the Caribbean. The family on their dad’s side pretty much live here in England, but occasionally return home every so often. I live in Reading in Berkshire, which I feel is a very diverse town, I work in a school as a Specialist Teaching Assistant, specialising in behaviour and special needs and have a huge interest in staff and child wellbeing.”

Mothers have a significant role to play in bringing up positive and confident children. Parenting is the most fulfilling job. It can also be one of the most challenging at the best of times. 2020 has presented us with even more challenges to deal with. The death of George Floyd in the US has opened up a conversation that is usually silent in the UK. Many white people who may not understand have said there is no racism in the UK, but we know that it is alive. One part of society that has to play on both sides are parents of mixed-race children. Over the last month, I have had many conversations with white women, some feel confident, others want to talk about race, but struggle with all sorts of barriers. Some common themes have included, the partner being uncomfortable with ‘the talk’, ‘not knowing where to start’, feeling like they do not know enough about the black side or cultural aspects to broach the topic, and some have chosen to raise their children (not to see colour) colourless. Some have decided that ‘this will not affect their children’.  Whatever the position, though, we know that the children will learn what they learn outside the home. They will be reminded of who they are, which can manifest itself in many different ways.

Kirsty is here to answer some common yet sensitive questions. We will also discuss some of her experiences with a hope that this can help other mums and other people who may wish to learn something new.

Let us jump into it:

1.      What are the most challenging aspects of what is going on right now?

Kirsty: “A really tough one... When everything happened with regards to the protests, I saw a real change in my black friends. I saw posts saying, ‘where are all my white friends at?’ which for me at the time was really disheartening because I had always been around, just because I haven’t commented doesn’t mean to say I’m not with you. At one point, I phoned one of my friends to ask her if she thought I was racist.  At the time, so many things were coming out, which I had said to a friend, but not with the intent to upset someone but to understand them or purely ask.

Questions such as; Are you going back home? It is a question I have asked without much thought because they do visit their ancestral home (the Caribbean or Africa) and call it home. It is one of the points I feel which needs addressing. It’s the intent in what is being said that can be harmful. Recent issues have caused slight tensions, and it can feel like you are walking on eggshells because I have started questioning myself as to what the right words are.

With regards to the protests, I see the importance. I wanted to support my friends and my children, but I was wary about my position as a white woman and not wanting to be on the forefront. My son is autistic, he is the kind of person to be caught up in the moment, he is the person that would be in the middle of a riot, not be involved but when everyone runs, he doesn’t.  He would stay and try to explain, but if someone didn’t listen, he would escalate in anger and frustration. So, I needed him to understand the importance of getting the point across in a more diplomatic way. Luckily for me, he avoided going to the protest marches. Nonetheless, I was disappointed that neither of my children attended the protests.”

2.      What part do you as a white parent play in helping your children make sense of what is going on?

Kirsty: “Love this question, because, by day four of the protests, I went into my daughter’s room and started crying, I honestly felt that I had let my children down in not understanding some things. I thought as a white parent. I had failed in giving them an enrichment into their race and neglected the whole racism topic with them. I started to panic and asked questions like, at work, do you feel that there is white privilege, explain to me about this? This I also struggled with because all my life, I have worked with black people who are either on par with me in my workplace or they are of a higher status.”

3.      At what age did you feel the need to start to discuss race with them?

Kirsty: “Interesting question, because when I bought my children into the world, I felt that it was important for them to be identified as to who they were, not as how they are seen. I grew up in a very predominant white area in Reading, Berkshire, where there were a select few black children within my school. In fact, in primary school, there was one child. In my secondary school, a small handful, maybe no more than ten, however, I knew them by their name and that was purely it, I think in those times then it was more about ‘who was Asian’ at school. So, growing up, I never really saw race as an issue as I never noticed or felt the need to use language to harm someone in anyway. So, my thinking was that I wouldn’t need to raise this as my children grew up. However, I did feel it was important that they knew where both their parents came from and for them to have a level of respect for both families.”

4.      How do you deal with sensitive discussions around race and racism with your children?

Kirsty: “Over time, more so as they have become older, especially with my son, I have seen some very ‘blatant racism’. At times some behaviour which I purely thought was to ‘reassure me’ that the children felt included, which for some may seem as undercover racism, or is it a lack of understanding? Depending on the situation, embrace your culture within your family home, and only do as much as is within your means. As a white single parent, I felt a considerable pressure to embrace more of my children’s ‘Black side’ culture as their father wasn’t present. His family side was limited in supporting the education about their culture. It has helped to a degree, but I can only give a white person perspective on a culture that I know little about. I can do the ‘tick box’ exercises but not give a full picture. I can do my best with what I know. My son, in particular, has really struggled with his identity, he is a lot darker than my daughter, in some ways my daughter is seen as a mixed-race girl, but my son is seen as a ‘black boy’.

Additionally, his bubbly and busy behaviour does sometimes lead him down the wrong path, which is typical for teenage boys anyway. However, some of my white friends judge him as a stereotypical, ‘black boy.” Another aspect of the microaggressions of racism.

5.      What do you think would be the best way forward in helping us all as a society, so as not to push children into being radical in terms which side of the race wall they see themselves?

“Firstly, the whole looting and crime side of protesting to be heard I am totally against whichever race you are; I don’t condone it. In my experience of working in schools…give children positive encouragement and empowerment to speak about all aspects of life, not just about racism, if you give children these skills and opportunities, they will thrive in building confidence to speak up and be heard. The other aspects which I talk more about in the video, are education; we need to ensure the education system is representative. Secondly, white parents need to be comfortable to ask questions and learn about the other side of the family, more so if they are single parents. The only thing is to make sure that the source of information is not biased. Thirdly, talk to the children, they will be different at different stages of life, so be open and self-reflective.”

6.      What advice would you give mums who are in your position? Especially new white mums to mixed-race children.

“I would say all the above points, but I would add that start early, make the uncomfortable comfortable, and as long as you are doing the right thing, enjoy. You are not expected to know it all. I urge you to watch the video where I explain more with some examples.”

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Amina Chitembo www.aminachitembo.com

Women’s Leadership Self-Inclusion Institute https://www.mwsli.org

Diverse Cultures Publishing www.diverse-cultures.co.uk

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