Which way do YOU want to go?

A story for people pleasers. 

I was lucky enough last year at this time to be road tripping with a close friend and our four children. We were trying to decide if we should take the scenic route or the highway route. I asked her which she preferred and she asked me which I preferred. I asked her again, "no, really, which way do you want to go?" I then waited in silence trying to guess what she wanted to do...and not even knowing or thinking about what I really wanted to do.

This is what I had been doing for most of my life...trying to determine what others want and then doing that (or going with the flow) to try and keep others happy...I'm a people pleaser.

So, at the time of this road trip, I was taking a coaching course with the Academy of Executive Coaching and also reading the book "Time to Think" by Nancy Kline. Both had been encouraging me to really slow down and consider what is important. So, in that moment, I asked my friend to take a minute with me...to embrace the uncomfortable silence...and to ask herself which way she really wanted to go. I said I would do the same. 

After what felt like an eternity, but was really probably only 30 seconds, I asked her what she thought. She said she wanted to take the scenic route on such a beautiful day. I shared that I would also love to take the scenic route, but that my son often gets car sick on winding mountain roads and the scenic route is not so enjoyable with the smell of sick in the car. So...I would prefer to take the highway. She agreed that a clean smelling car and children was better than beautiful scenery!

What did I learn from this seemingly simple example? A few things actually:

1) I learned...that I can be empowered in my choices when I first pause to think through the choice I want to make myself. I'm a people pleaser and when I forget to consider my own desires first, I can be left feeling disempowered. When I can pause to think through my own choice first, then listen to what the other person or people want, I can then choose to be a people pleaser or choose what is important for me. Sometimes, doing what the other person wants to do becomes more important to me than doing what I would do on my own, and that's ok too!

2) I learned that I don't really know what another person wants unless I ask or give space for them to also consider it. Growing up in my family, we often decided which way to go by trying to guess what the others wanted. We had genuinely good intentions, but we ended up "driving to Abilene" as my dad would say. Meaning, we ended up doing what nobody wanted by trying to guess what the other wanted and not saying what we want for ourselves. This is never a good result!

3) I learned that by starting with the small things, and building my muscle to see what I want and what is important to me, that I can more easily see what is important in the bigger things. While this decision about which way to go seems like a small decision, or not a very important one, if I don't stop and really think about what is important to me in the little things, I struggle to slow down and think about the big things too! The big things are harder...I have to slow down even more...embrace that uncomfortable silence even longer. But when I do, I am left feeling more empowered and happy.

How often do you make decisions based on what you think you "should" do, what others want you to do, or what you think you need to do?

How difficult or uncomfortable is it for you to take the time to truly think through what you actually want?

Knowing what you want is not always easy! It can feel like an overwhelming and scary question and it's one thing I love to help clients with.

If knowing what you want is difficult, ask yourself this...

Do you want to know what you want in life?

If the answer to that is yes, let's start there together. I'm offering 10 complimentary coaching conversations to anyone interested in exploring what they want.

Please comment here or contact me directly if you know anyone that could benefit from having a conversation with a qualified coach about what they want in life.