'That which doesn't kill us...'

What a stupid saying!

I love the way that times of challenge, adversity and tragedy make people come out with trite quotes that are meaningless (well, not exactly meaningless) but certainly, and not true...

You can tell that I'm in a fab mood...

But it really isn't about my mood, as much as it's about people giving you answers, when you weren't even asking a question.

Something bad has happened this is the stuff that they come out with.

Well meaning, comforting-sounding - but actually very much erroneous.

That which doesn't kill us, can only makes us stronger - FALSE....

There are many different things that tough times, or that which doesn't kill us can actually do to and for us... and the problem is that if we think that the strengthening is automatic, then we miss the incredible opportunity that lies within them... thinking that experience alone brings wisdom and favour (it doesn't).

Below I explore the 3D's that can result from the things that don't kill us and consider how we can ultimately use challenge and adversity to our advantage.

See, that which doesn't kills us can...

Defeat us...

There's definitely more than one type of death - and we always focus on the physical when we think about it.

But actually - there are many other types of deaths that are available to us. I've seen many a person walking around but dead behind the eyes. Because that which didn't kill them did the very next best thing and crushed any life that was there out of them.

They could not forgive, or let go... they're angry, and blaming and living in victim-land - they are focusing on everyone and everything else.

And they are defeated...

To quote the fab movie Shawshank Redemption

"They have gotten busy dying rather then gotten busy living"

Something doesn't have to kill us to end the life we have, and the inability to come to terms with what has happened to us, or even to discuss it, deal with it. Walking around isn't proof of life - so we shouldn't confuse the two, and should not allow us adversity to defeat us out of joy, and opportunity in the days ahead.

See, as that which doesn't kill us can also

Define us...

Are you a 'worrier'? Are you fat? Are you a 'survivor'?

Has the challenge in your life taken up so much space that it becomes you. It shapes you, and not in a good way.

Has your struggle become part of your identity?

Do you find comfort in that known and well-outlined story that you're telling yourself about the troubles in your life...

But actually - have you ever wondered who you would be if you told yourself a different story... that you're not a worrier, but that you've been in the habit of worrying so it's where you go to first.

Challenges are a constant theme of life, but the trick is to NOT let them define us. To understand that we are not our problems, feelings, or reactions. Not only are they seperate from us... that that we get to choose them. We get to choose the role that fear, anxiety, guilt, shame and all those other difficult emotions and responses have in our lives and we choose how they lay.

Not all definition can be negative - but it's all in how we decide to use it. I think a definition that comes with hope is a powerful and exciting thing. Giving your self a new title as a result of the challenge that empowers you is a great thing. Hope is the secret sauce in all of this... that empowers you to make and craft new chapters. But Ultimately it's all just a story we tell ourselves, so we should ever forget that we are the author.

The tide is turning on the D's and the final D to consider is that which doesn't kill us can...

Develop us...

The challenges of life are a very fertile training and learning ground for those willing to see them as such - but because you'll never know what you're capable of until you are pushed to find out. So the fact is that which doesn't kill us could develop us if we let it.

That development comes from a number of different and significant practices and focal points in our emotional and mental tool kit, including

• Re-framing, adversity to understand the power found and the lessons learned in the experience
• Gratitude, and focusing on the bright side of things, reminded yourself that no matter how bad it is, there is much to be grateful for and it could always be a whole lot worse.
• Ownership and Acceptance - when we own the events of our lives and accept their facts, we're empowered to make changes because we continue to look inward for the sources of opportunity and change. This is the most powerful place for us to be, as we are the only thing that we can control.
• Learning to use it, for reflection, for learning... so that doesn't matter what happened, the time is used to reflect, think things through and to plan and execute with intention

At the very heart of thinking it thorough is asking powerful questions. That truly make a difference to both you and the world. Questions are at the very heart of changing perspective and the opportunities they bring.

I'll be announcing a 28 day walk through some of the biggest and most powerful questions for life, our relationships, our place and opportunities in the world, and will be making a very special call for founding members in the next few days.

Feel free to PM me to find out more information.

But in the interim, that which doesn't kill you can do quite a few different things, but the brilliant thing is that it's all up to you - how it is.... you choose for it to be whatever it is you want it to be. So it could make you stronger after all - but only if you know how to make that so.