That Which Does Not Kill Us Makes Us Stronger is Toxic positivity

We all have been quoted this or quoted this to someone in our lives but do we ever take a moment to think if this is helpful?        

I remember a friend said this to me when I was struggling with anxiety as a 20-year-old. I didn't like the taste of it then but I never got to understand why. It was again quoted to me now when I am going through a rough time but the only difference is that now I know why I didn't like it then.

I don't judge their intention behind it but I think it's a callous way of justifying suffering. For people who don't know its meaning, as per my understanding it loosely translates to "You should be grateful for your suffering" and that's what irks me the most. Why would I ever be grateful for trauma or bad experiences? Why should I ever be told to be grateful for my suffering?

I hear the counter-argument being, "It helped you become the person you are today" but is it so? My suffering didn't help me become the person I am today, my grit, resilience, and maybe not having a choice but going through it made me the person I am today.

My suffering only took away my chance of becoming this person without the trauma. My suffering only took away the joy of being a growing adult, an adult who didn't have to figure out life in such a cruel way.

I was listening to Trevor Noah on Jay Shetty's podcast "On Purpose" and he talked about it too I am so glad that he did and clearly expressed his dislike.

"I'm never grateful for suffering, I'm never grateful for pain. I'm never going to be grateful for what happened to me and my people because we learned to deal with it".        

He further said how it's similar to glorifying suffering. It creates this idea and justification for what people are going through because it creates the best. It can make diamonds but what it also does is, make people conscious of their whole existence. It makes them struggle with feeling worthy of love and kindness.

It's just a very irresponsible way of looking at pain and suffering and not realizing the lives it destroys. It's just an example of toxic positivity and how hung up we are to this idea of "Pain makes us who we are" and if we distance ourselves from our trauma, we will lose our sense of self. It makes us fear losing ourselves if we don't cling to our trauma.

I wouldn't want my child to go through pain because it would make them strong. Love can make someone strong; unconditional love, safety, a sense of belonging, worthy of kindness, and love without conditions are what truly make us strong. This whole idea of "pain makes one strong" is as toxic as it gets.

We are so unaware of ourselves that we never take the time to think about these things. We never question what someone is saying to us and what it means. Whenever I have tried to tell someone how we shouldn't justify pain, I'm told I am being NEGATIVE. It bothered me but it doesn't anymore because the more you know yourself, the more you're comfortable with living your life with ideas that make sense to you. You don't seek validation from people for it. They can only understand what they know and how much they know themselves.

You should know who you're talking to and if they have the capacity to understand where you're coming from because if they don't, you're not just going to disappoint yourself but burden them with something they aren't capable of giving you.

I'm not saying you can't be grateful for how you dealt with something, you should take pride in yourself for dealing with difficult times but you shouldn't glorify the difficult times and the pain they caused. Be grateful for who you are devoid of the trauma. Your trauma isn't your identity. Your kindness and what you learned from it is your identity. Never lose sight of it.

P.S: Never be afraid of expressing what bothers you and what doesn't sit well with you. If a whole village believes that drinking poison won't kill them, it still will. It doesn't make something right if a thousand people believe in it. Injustice doesn't become normal if a thousand people suffer from it and learn to deal with it.

You don't have the choice to choose your battles but you do have the choice to choose how you FEEL about them.