You are really not as bad as you think: how your memory fools you
I’ve just read a brilliant article about our mind - that I recommend everyone reads (you can find the hyperlink below). It inspired me to focus on one of its points; how our self-image impacts and completely changes the memories we remember.
The author, Mark illustrates how we distort our memory to fit the narrative about ourselves. We think that our memories are reflections of our true experiences. This is far from the truth, memory actually serves quite a different purpose and that is to shape or even completely change what we remember to fit our identity:
“As humans, we need an identity, a sense of ‘who’ we are, in order to navigate complex social situations and, really, just to get shit done most of the time. Our memories help us create our identities by giving us a story of our past.”
Carl Rogers, a renowned psychotherapist, wrote about this effect already in the 50’s. He stated that the behaviors that do not confirm our “self-structure” are “either unrecognized as self-experiences or perceived in distorted or selective fashion in such a way as to be congruent with the self.” In other words, our memory distorts what we remember in case an event does not correspond to how we perceive ourselves.
Picture credit: ‘Masks’ John Hain
Our brain is our servant in that it matches the story we tell ourselves about ourselves. Our brain magnifies experiences from the past and the present and colors them in such a way as to fit our self-beliefs. Carl Rogers (1959) observed that we not only select memories based on what we believe but also the moment we change a belief about ourselves - new memories that support the new belief suddenly appear. Thus the moment we change the perception of who we are, ‘forgotten’ memories come to our conscious mind to support our new worldview.
This is not only true for our memories but also for what we focus on in the present moment. Since our brain tries to reflect the view of ourselves by selectively focusing on events in our daily reality and storing it into our memory, it means that the way we see ourselves defines what we focus on. This in turn confirms our beliefs further and defines who we are.
For example, if I believe that I'm a terrible speaker I not only selectively remember the occasions when others laughed at me as I spoke as a child. I also make sure to back this up in my daily life by focusing on the people who look really bored when I speak, instead of those who listen to me. If I work on changing this belief with a good therapist or a coach, I will start focusing on situations in my daily life in which I get a confirmation of being a great speaker. Eventually, I will suddenly remember the moments when my parents or siblings listened to me and how great of a speaker I actually was.
Photo credit: ‘Masks’ John Hain
Isn’t this incredible? This means that whatever we’re upset about that we can’t do, if we shift our focus and believe we can do something, our brain will start searching for events in the present and the past to confirm the new belief.
So, how do you change your beliefs about yourself to something better?
We are ready to change our perceptions when something shakes our reality, for example when a traumatic event occurs. At that moment we stop and re-evaluate our worldview based on new facts. Rogers called this process “disorganization” of our identity.
We thankfully do not need to wait for a dramatic event to shake our worldview. We do, however, need to take quite a few moments to re-evaluate our beliefs. Rogers stated that in order for us to become more congruent (aligned between how we think we need to act and how we really feel & want to act), we need to aim to be truly ourselves and increase unconditional acceptance of ourselves. He calls this “decrease our conditions of worth” and increase our “unconditional self-regard” in case you want to read more about it in his article referenced below (which is publically available).
To be able to become truly ourselves and unconditionally accept ourselves (based on C. Rogers 1959), we need to:
- feel the conditions of empathic understanding (feel safe and feel that another person is empathically listening to us)
- perceive an “unconditional positive regard” from the other person to be able to show our true self
When we experience empathic understanding from others and are unconditionally accepted as we are, only then we can show our true self to the outside world - but also to ourselves. We then feel safe and accepted enough to lower our defense mechanisms. We suddenly experience that who we really are is OK and accepted and that we no longer need to comply with expectations of others, we really can be our true selves. This is why it is really important to have people surrounding us that unconditionally accept who we are, or why we go to a therapist.
What are the beliefs about yourself that hold you back? And are you sure you want to keep them? Are you really bad in speaking in public, writing blogs, being a great partner…? And what would happen if you chose to focus on being a great at it, what if you already are great at it but ‘forgot’ to see that?
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If you want to discover what believes hold you back from following your dreams, please contact me:
www.CareerFulfillmentCoaching.com
Further readings:
Read the article about our minds here: https://markmanson.net/trust?utm_campaign=mmnet-newsletter-2016-05-05&utm_medium=email&utm_source=mmnet-newsletter&utm_content=Read-Who-Do-You-Trust
If you want to read more from Carl Rogers, look for this article: “A theory of therapy, personality and interpersonal relationships, as developed in the client-centered framework.” Carl R. Rogers. From: Psychology: A Study of a Science. Study 1, Volume 3: Formulations of the Person and the Social Context, edited by Sigmund Koch. (McGraw-Hill, 1959, pages 184-256)