? Where's Dad? A true story about separation

Standing at the top of the stairs clenching his fists, the frightened 8 year old boy screamed, “I hate you mom!  I hate you!  Don’t touch me!” As she struggled anxiously to bring him under control, he kept increasing the intensity and force of pushing her away. “No!” the boy screamed, “I said get away from me!”  Neither of them realized they were feeling the same pain, one that stemmed from the loss of love, and now has evolved as anger. Confused about her feelings, let alone knowing how to explain the much emptiness and sadness he was also feeling– he then pushed with all his agony, rage and fear one last time screaming, “Don’t hurt me anymore!” 

Than it seemed the world fell beneath both their feet. In the struggle and the force, she lost her balance and fell down the stairs until she hit the bottom of what seemed like - her life. Overwhelmed, confused and scared, the little boy stood paralyzed at the top of the stairs as he saw his mother lying on the basement floor.  She was only in her 20’s, and as she lay there bruised and silently crying in pain, feeling like a failure and at that moment seeing death as being much easier than life.

When someone feels that love has been unfairly taken away from them, that’s where you’ll find the seeds of anger.

A year earlier, in the middle of the night, the boys’ mother came racing into her children’s bedroom quietly and pleading with them to wake up from their sleep. Disoriented and weary she made the boys pack quickly the few toys and clothes that they could find and pressured them dress before they raced out the door into the waiting midnight taxi. 

Their father had finally fallen asleep in the next room after another long night of fighting and arguing. He had been coming home late every night for months, and it was beginning to take its toll on the entire family.  He felt that he had to work two jobs to keep food on the table and to be a provider for his family. On the other hand, his wife, feeling alone and ignored, just wanted some type of connection with her husband after being cooped up in the house all day with the children.  She was bored and extremely lonely and begged him though her nagging to make her feel like she was ‘somebody’ and that she mattered to him.

Likewise, he was more than emotionally and physically drained at the end of the day and all he wanted was appreciation for his work and the freedom to rest, think and worry on his own, as a man, so he could recharge and be ‘somebody’ for her. Neither knew or even understood the pain the other was feeling. Even though at the core, they both wanted to be loved by the other. All they knew was that the other person ‘didn’t understand’. The fighting became all too frequent and the hurt had already gone beyond making each other miserable. It had reached the point of wounding them both emotionally and physically. So, that very night the mother made a decision that would change everyone’s life forever.

Within moments, the two young boys aged 7 and 4 were packed into the back seat of the taxi sitting between piles of garbage bags and small boxes filled with clothes, a few toys and all the food she could gather. It was bitterly cold that winter night and the only things keeping them warm from the shivering cold was a few old blankets and pillows – the last items of the place they once called ‘home.’  As the mother rushed into the front seat, struggling to keep her balance with all the last minute things in her hand, the oldest boy asked, ‘Mom, what’s happening, where are we going?” 

Before she could gather her thoughts for an answer, all of a sudden with a loud thud and bang of the front door - they heard their dad screaming as he ran towards the taxi in the pouring rain. “STOP!… PLEASE! …Don't take my kids!”  The Mother, violently shuffling through her purse for money with her last ounce of energy, suddenly yelled to the taxi driver ‘Go! GO!!!’ In that moment, as they all were thrust back in their seats, the boys lives were marked forever. In that last split second they witnessed something they never believed possible. They saw their proud and strong father, the one man that was supposed to protect them, love them and guide them, in front of the house on his knees crying in the pouring and freezing rain.  That night, everyone felt that love was unfairly taken away from them.

“STOP!… PLEASE! …Don't take my kids!”

“Despite what appears on the outside, most men live to make their women happy. If they feel ‘unsuccessful’ in doing so, they’ll escape and go where they feel they can achieve and be successful – friends, work, or making money.”
How was a 25 year old mother with no real education, no money, no support from her separated husband, family or friends able to take care of two young boys?  How could she truly mentally and emotionally answer the constant questions of why they had left home and why they couldn’t see their father? Was she right to leave?  Was he right to let them get away? The years that followed were more than any single mother, separated father or scared children should ever face. 

Everything that could have happened did. From hiding in shelters for abused women, to living in parks, motels, homes of drug dealers, foster care and centers for children. The 3 of them, the mother and 2 children, would face all of this and more in the treacherous years to come. They wouldn’t just see, feel and experience homelessness, abandonment and divorce, they would soon learn about extreme poverty, stealing to survive, abortion, racism, sexual abuse, psychiatric care, rape, hospitalization, drugs and prostitution, to name a few.

“Some women will marry a good man, where intimacy is not a priority – because they think they’ll get real love and appreciation from their children. The problem is that eventually those children will grow up and leave.”

Today, 30 years later, I am gratefully humbled and deeply thankful for my life and even more importantly – grateful for opportunity to serve others.

For this reason, I’m sharing this message. I’ve traveled throughout most of Central and South America, worked with abandoned children, displaced families and at homes where children were available for adoption.  I believe service is important to maintaining all life – not just ours. Also, we are all brought into this world for a reason, especially if we’re born into poverty, violence, or abandonment.  Why? because it gives us greater reasons and potential to break through and help others along the way. We can never truly learn what we need or be truly fulfilled by someone else’s experience or success. 

We need to walk our own walk, use our own hands and harness our past as a teaching.  I can say this first hand, because that boy who was rushed crying, cold and confused, into the back of the taxi nearly 30 years ago was me.  Regardless of how painful my past was, regardless of the remarkable, dark or painful things I experienced and saw growing up – in the end, I knew that my mother loved me, and we both learned after making it through it all, that our levels of anger were equal to the level and of pain and loss. In order to heal, love and hope are needed, not force.

If there is one thing I need to share with you now, it is that through my life experience and work, I have learned that a child or person can have everything given to them, food, shelter, education, money or even the best medical care – but none of those compare to the feeling of truly being loved and being ‘someone’ worthy of love.  And if a child does not feel loved, or worthy of love – then it’s time for someone to step up and love that child again and to see him or her through new eyes as a gift, a child who can and will do great things for others in the future. Choosing to do this will plant the seeds in these precious hearts and minds so they may continue through this world making it a more loving and honest place to live, grow and share. My friends as you read this, you will begin to get a greater understanding that healing doesn't start with control, it doesn’t start with solutions, analysis or doctors and it definitely doesn’t start with more problems or blame.  It does however start with you… and love.

"Eventually you will come to understand that love heals everything, and love is all there is." - Gary Zukav

Regardless of your past decisions, the past does not have to determine your future.With hope, love and honesty to yourself and to each other, all our futures will be even better. Every time I see poor or abandoned children, I see myself as well as a young child in addition to the great potentiality that lies within them.  Poverty of the mind, finances and heart is temporary, and we should remind ourselves and others of this more often.  

If you're a mother or a father about to make a decision that affects more than just you, it’s important to know that amid all the confusion, pain, anger and suffering, as long as your children know you love them, they will learn to love and heal as well.  Teach them through your actions and words - the difference between what’s right and what’s wrong and they will lead without fear.  Nourish their minds and hearts with hope instead of roadblocks, and they will break through. And finally, as long as you survive, as you have in the past – you and your children will survive as well.

Dedicated to my mom, who, through the rough and the tough times, gave us gifts that neither money nor riches could never buy.


The greater the feeling of being unloved, or having had love taken away, the larger and deeper the wound.  Imagine if someone came along with kindness and tried to come close to the person with the open wound, would that person do everything to protect it or show that they’re in pain?  What if someone tried to come close lovingly - touching and wanting to heal the scar, would the person in pain jolt and scream or push the other person away?  And if that person started fighting and hitting that open wound again, again and again, with words, emotions and actions - how would the other person protect, defend or fight for themselves? Love can – over time and consistently – heal all wounds.

Thank you for this opportunity to share.
Erik Kikuchi