Where’s the Bucking Bronco
Now under normal conditions there are a variety of delicate techniques in use across the UK today. There are the standard two or three sheet users, scrunchers and folders and of course the alternative front to back, back to front actions all in search of the same “end” result.
We at “number 2” Baycroft are considered experts in this field as matron is to cooking as Donald Trump is to bereavement counselling i.e. we are well versed in the bulk usage of the aforementioned item.
So for what it’s worth I commend the following alternatives to the smallest house
1) The Express ! Only for use when taken by surprise.
2) The Observer. For use by the faecally curious
3) The Independent. For general use by us all until we get to an age when assistance is needed
4) The Sun. To be used where it doesn’t shine
5) The colour supplement. Not unless you want a rectum like a baboon but a great ice breaker at parties if you don’t want to stay long
6) The Mirror, Less said the better
7) The Broadsheets….For the larger issues
8) Tabloids . Apply ointment
When all else fails
1) Wet and dry. Effective but challenging, only use the finest grade
2) Wire brush. Devastating but brutal
3) Woodchip. Very good but remove from wall prior to use.
4) Road kill. Avoid hedgehog but small squirrels do a job
5) Power washer. Only for the brave or desperate. Adopt the crouching position and shout “brace brace” before hitting the trigger. NB This can also result in an unwanted colonic irrigation which will probably outweigh any other benefit.
This is a public service message from Prompt Pay, thinking outside the “box”