Where are you starting from?

We knew it was going to be a tough meeting. The people around the table were fed up and battlelines had started to be drawn. I’d been trying to resolve the problem and had made some progress, but I wasn’t sure it was going to be enough to keep them on board. And we really did need them on board if the programme was going stay on track. The stakes were pretty high.

So before I walked in I stopped and took a moment to reflect. I could feel that familiar churn of fear and judgment. Fear that this wasn’t going to work and then all sorts of unimaginable horrors would follow. Judgment of myself – why hadn’t I seen the problem sooner? Should I have done something else? And judgement of them – they were unreasonable, self-interested, wrong. And so I made a decision. I decided that instead of operating from a position of fear or judgment I was going to try to move to curiosity, and if I could, to compassion.

I rarely find a situation that isn’t helped by this framework: how can I move from fear and judgement to curiosity and compassion? For myself and for others. It’s a beguilingly simple shift of your starting point that can transform how a conversation or relationship develops. But as with many simple things it can be hard to do. Here are some thoughts gathered from working with leaders making the shift:

??Beware judgement in disguise. Curiosity doesn’t just mean asking questions. How you ask the question matters. 'Why haven’t you finished this?' is very different to, 'What is getting in the way of finishing this?'. There is judgment in the first question – it’s your fault that this isn’t finished. Using ‘What’ rather than ‘Why’ is less likely to elicit a defensive response.

??Challenge your assumptions. Neutral curiosity can be hard – some say it’s not even possible - think of: ‘Have you tidied your room?’. There’s a good dose of expectation in that (in my house anyway). But don’t give up on it because at least trying to be genuinely open and welcoming of any answer that might come is probably the most fruitful path to learning and to doing a better job. To help you get there ask yourself: what do I believe and how could I be wrong?

??Don’t just ask, listen. Obviously. But I’m consistently surprised by how little we teach, learn and practise this skill. Refresh yourself on what good listening looks like – When did you last feel really heard? How did you know? What made that possible? How can you do more of it with those around you? You know the drill: repeat back; summarise in your own words; check your understanding (put your phone away!). Sometimes that might actually be all the other person needs you to do...

??Build muscle. It can take a heroic effort to move on from curiosity to compassion, especially when you’re in conflict with someone. I might just about be able to put myself in your position but there’s no way I would recognise something of myself in you, something that would make me act to help.?But you can build this muscle. Try thinking about all the things you value about the person just before your next interaction, ask yourself what traits you might share. If you can, put into words the story you’re telling about them and examine it – maybe with someone else. What might a different story be?

??Experiment. The pull of fear and judgement is strong and you won’t be able to get yourself out of that position all the time, especially in moments of frustration and when the pressure is on. Don’t give up. Every effort you make - even just to try these different starting points on - will be useful in showing you how differently things can go when you do make the shift.??

In the end that meeting went well. I asked and really listened to their concerns and that seemed to make them more willing to accept the partial progress we had made. My compassion for their problems convinced them that I was genuinely doing all that I could. They said afterwards that it was one of the most unusual meetings with a government official they had ever had. It seems I took them by surprise. And maybe I surprised myself too.

What opportunity could you take this week to shift where you’re starting from??