Where Are You on the Inclusive Leader Continuum?

As a straight white man with privilege, I’m learning that I’m not doing enough to support, “creating cultures of belonging where everyone can thrive,” as Jennifer Brown puts it in her new book How to be an Inclusive Leader.

Furthermore, despite my deep desire to be an ally, I don’t get to claim that for myself. However, by being an advocate who is both visible and active, I’m able to use my privilege to the advantage of others I would like to support. That is to say, I can stand in solidarity. That’s why I refer to myself as an Ally In Training, so that I can acknowledge my own journey in the inclusive leadership continuum; one which I now better understand thanks to Jennifer Brown, her books and her open invitation to learn more. If you are interested to learn where you fall on Jennifer Brown’s “Inclusive Leader Continuum”, you can take a short inclusive leader assessment.

Last Friday, September 27th, I experienced a profound training at the Better Man Conference presented by Unilever. And while many people were involved, I really appreciate Mita Mallick and Glenn Racioppi from Unilever for hosting the day’s events, Ray Arata for founding the conference, and Eduardo Placer for being the most fun and entertaining master of ceremonies I’ve experienced.

In truth, I didn’t know what to expect when I said yes to attend this event. My friend Robert Beaven who works closely with Jennifer Brown, invited me to attend. Since Jennifer Brown is one of the most powerful diversity and inclusion trainers I know, I figured I’d continue my journey in becoming a better, more inclusive leader, meet some amazing people and then share my insights with those who are on a similar journey of discovery.

Please Go To The Training! To that end, I’m going to do my best to share some incredibly powerful lessons and takeaways I had from this event and I’m also going to encourage you to attend the next one yourself. If you live in San Francisco, that’s on October 11th. If you’re here with me in NYC, then mark your calendar for November 19th as I’d love you to join me in this powerful journey.

Privilege is invisible to those who hold it.

Step 1: Acknowledging Bias & Privilege. One of my favorite quotes from the event came from Karen Brown who said, “Privilege is invisible to those who hold it.” I used to get extremely uncomfortable when anyone would bring up the topic of privilege. Today I discovered why. Karen Brown explained that, “Privilege is any part of you that gets automatic acceptance into an in-group that you didn’t choose.” I didn’t choose my male gender, my skin color, my sexual orientation, the zip code I grew up in, the religion my parents choose, and a whole host of others. And yet, I benefited.

When I get pulled over by the police, I don’t fear for my safety. When I walk home late at night, I don’t get nervous when someone is walking nearby me. Not since college have I been concerned about being harassed physically – and only once sexually. So how do I become a better ally for people who don’t look like me? I don’t know. Really. I may have an inclination, but chances are my assumptions are not accurate.

How do I more effectively use my power and privilege for creating better cultures of belonging? I don’t know. And there it is. The very tool I was seeking is a simple acknowledgement of my truth. That I don’t know. Which means I get to get deeply curious, ask better questions and through listening with empathy and compassion (see below) I can discover what I don’t even know I don’t know and commit to new practices that will allow me to be a better Ally In Training.

Step 2: Take Responsibility for Impact. The truth is, I would like to be better. The reason I’ve spent so much time on my own personal development journey is so that I can be the best version of me – not some times, most (if not all) of the time. Which brings me to a really powerful question: Can you help me understand that better? Real conversations depend on trust. One of the reasons I have kept quiet in the past is that I didn’t want look stupid asking questions that I felt I should somehow already know.

For example, when people started adding their pronouns to their email signature lines, I was confused. I would see things like, “My pronouns are He, His, Him” or “My pronouns are She, Her, Hers.” I acknowledged that something had changed, but I felt stupid asking, “Hey, what’s that all about?” Then I saw, “My pronouns are They and Them.” After going to the Better Man conference on Friday, on Saturday I staffed a Junior High School youth retreat and was given the opportunity to speak with powerful leaders who created a safe space to ask questions. So I did. And the learned so much about the things I didn’t even know I didn’t know.

While it’s different for every person, the They / Them pronouns come from a place where neither male gender or female gender feels right all of the time. It can be about gender fluidity, non-binary, transgender or something else entirely. More important, however, is by making it commonplace to use pronouns, I’m taking responsibility for impact and giving space for anyone to share their pronouns without feeling called out. It’s something simple that I can do to make others around me feel okay to share, without feeling put upon or judged to explain or justify. Understanding the underlying issue better allows me to take action steps to provide support.

Step 3: Listen with Empathy & Compassion. How well do you listen? When having a conversation (or argument), are you hearing precisely what the speaker is saying or are you lost in your own thoughts, distracted and/or preparing your response?

Listening grants speaking.

Cate Luzio explained it this way, “Listening grants speaking. The depth of any conversation is under the listener’s control.” She went on to explain that, “A truly effective Ally relates to all of a person, not only their otherness.” Together with Dr. Ed Gurowitz, a Ladder of Listening was presented:

-1 = Not listening I’m preparing what I’ll say when you stop talking

0 = Emotional or Defensive Reaction

1 = Content Hearing exactly what was said

2 = Recognition I have had or heard of similar experiences

3 = Empathy & Compassion I feel what you feel.

4 = Connection You experience my empathy.

For at least the last decade, Oprah Winfrey has said it this way, “Everybody just wants to be heard … And the reason I think my ability to communicate with people around the world has been so rewarded is because I actually understand that.” Do the people who matter most in your life feel truly heard? And when I’m doing my best to be inclusive, how am I listening with empathy and compassion?”

Step 4: Commit to New Practices. Change is not an intellectual exercise. When you want to get your body in shape, you change your eating habits and go to the gym. Sure, you can read a book about weight loss and exercise, but without taking any actions, nothing will change. The same goes for diversity and inclusion in the workplace.

As stated in the beginning, if you are interested to learn where you fall on Jennifer Brown’s “Inclusive Leader Continuum”, you can take a short inclusive leader assessment. This is the first step to better understand where you are and where you’d like to be in the future. For an even more comprehensive understanding, you can read her new book How to be an Inclusive Leader.

For a more immersive experience, attend the next Better man conference. If you live in San Francisco, that’s on October 11th. If you’re here with me in NYC, then mark your calendar for November 19th as I’d love you to join me in this powerful journey.

And you can do several other things such as:

• Add your pronouns to your email signature line
• Become an Ally in Training by sharing your story and “normalizing”
• Join Unilever’s Dadvocates and sign their Pledge for Paternity leave (Note: In Sweeden, every month that fathers took paternity leave increased the mother’s income by 6.7% when measured four years later.)
• Seek out and listen with empathy & compassion to someone who could use your support

Any action you take will help move you forward in the inclusive leader continuum. There’s so much that can be done and I am so encouraged by the many people out there who are coming together to make a real difference.  I really appreciate Mita Mallick and Glenn Racioppi from Unliever for hosting last Friday’s event, and Ray Arata for founding the Better Man conference along with all the powerhouse speakers who took the time to share their insights. I am privileged to have spent time with each of these rock stars and encourage you to get to know them too.