Where are you from? Please don't ask!
Amine MECIFI
Public Speaker - Author - Quiet Quitting Advocate - Fighting Corporate Toxicity
If you don't have time to read this article, let me summarise: please remove this question from your portfolio; now and forever.
I remember being in a meeting room with more than 20 colleagues. I had recently joined the company and was going through a period of training and induction.
The trainer walked into the room, opened his computer and started staring at me. A few seconds later he asked me:
Other colleagues, interested in the topic, stopped talking and waited for my answer.
I let him try a few more guesses, then replied in a slightly raised voice to make sure everyone got the message:
We all have questions about others:
But we don't jump in strangers' faces with these questions and expect them to satisfy our curiosity. Except when it comes to origin, where many people feel entitled to demand an answer.
I was born and brought up in Algeria. Technically, I am African. We are not all black in Africa. I left my country for Switzerland during the civil war, in the nineties. Bad news is amplified when you live far away. I used to call my family and friends every morning to see if they were alive. Sometimes they were, sometimes they weren't. On the phone, bad news sounded like this:
Every day, the news was full of horror stories about Algeria, including people and places I knew: shootings, bombings, massacres... Every day, for ten years.
During this period, which was later called "the dark decade", I had nightmares and woke up every other day around 3 a.m., sweating and shaking. I had to put up a large Swiss flag in my bedroom and shine a small light on it. Every time I woke up, it reminded me that I was in a peaceful country.
As a student, I had a rich social life there. I was often invited to birthdays, weddings, events and celebrations. I was happy to go because it meant escaping, for a short time, from the harrowing reality of what was happening in my home country.
I would always arrive at the venue and the first person I met would ask:
Here we go! I was there again! No escape. No right to enjoy a minute! The person told me that there was a civil war in my country. How kind! I had just missed this crucial event. Maybe I should just leave this birthday and go and watch the news in case they have a new toll to announce about the latest bus explosion!
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Today that war is long forgotten. I have been replaced by others. But I still don't like that question: where are you from?
But there are worse in terms of intrusiveness:
I sometimes say this because I am a British citizen. But that doesn't always stop strangers from insisting:
Or another variation:
What does it mean I don't look like?! Do you have a book with races and nationalities and I don't fit in it? Do you think my Government made a mistake when they delivered my passport? Do you think I should be Japanese or stateless to fit your stereotypes?
This question often opens a can of worms and the conversation can just go downhill from there.
Another common case:
But, dude! we don't even have common borders with Egypt, we don't have pyramids and we don't have the same History. We are 2 different countries far apart. It's as if you tell me you are Irish and I tell you I went to California last year!
Another problem with this question is its frequency. In a good week, 3 or 4 strangers might ask. That means I have to tell off 3 or 4 strangers a week for the rest of my life! I have done nothing to deserve this.
Some people ask:
I find this approach more considerate and respectful when it comes to breaking the ice.
In this article, I have shared with you my personal view and why, given my own life story, I find this question inappropriate. If you go around asking random people where they are from using your racial profiling skills and commenting on their origin, you will regularly cause distress or get off to a bad start with new colleagues for a variety of reasons and sensitivities.
I know people ask this question in a good faith but, please, ask something else.
?From Algeria. -Oh, I went in Egypt!? ?? -Seriously! It’s snobbism. That’s a ?fun? or discrete way to say that he don’t care of Algeria. In other words, he told you that you are in a ?2nd? category. -The bad feeling of you is hence the terrorist remembrance and the frequency of the question. In the skin of a white man, to ask about nationality is more than good faith; in my case, it is real interest. See, my new neighbour, weeks ago..: I asked: ?Do you have Swiss German origins ??, he explained that he was Suisse romand like me but did a long time in Suisse alémanique, so it changed his way to pronounce. But, as he had a cool look, I nevertheless insisted: ?Do you have English origins ??, because I just could not believe he was the same like me, and he laughed and I said sorry, and he admitted that other people asked sometimes. It’s not specific to Muslim lands. And from the asker, it may be real interest.
Médiatrice scientifique at EPFL, Responsable Pédagogique chez Swiss CleverCenter, Auteur
11 个月Très bon article Amine et oui je me souviens de cette époque où tu étais anxieux tous les jours. Et en même temps toutes ces amitiés qui faisaient beaucoup de bien dans le tas. Je trouve ton article particulièrement percutant. J'espère que la petite famille va bien ! Bises.
Leiterin Administration
12 个月I am always so curious to learn about family histories or a different (cultural) background, but you are right, I should be more careful when asking such questions. Better I wait. If someone likes to talk about it, he/she will. By the way: Swiss also ask other Swiss people quite often about where they have grown up – because of the dialect – but in that case it is (mostly) not problematic.
Network Security Engineer
12 个月I feel the same as you, Amine. It's the life of a North African living in Europe (for the most of us). I've got used to living with these questions. Unfortunately...