Where are we heading to?

Hello fellow mentors,

I joined M10 Missions part-time in mid-Oct for a positive change. Business had dried up significantly since 2020, as it has for many of my professional peers due to the pandemic, I'm a creative designer and marketeer by trade with a long commercial background although that feels a lifetime ago. My mental health has been concerning me and I needed a healthy distraction. I met Stephen Riley and discovered what he had been doing. I was inspired and wanted to be involved, part selfishly, as I know giving back has a healing factor to it, but also because it seemed to me that the work he and his wife Stacey Riley was doing was front line stuff and 'man' is it needed.

I have been spending what time I can to understand some of the much hidden and precarious landscape of children’s education in the UK. I’m still in shock at the reality, the bleakness of it, especially for the least-advantaged who are more likely to perform poorly during that period of their life.

I'm an adopted dad to a 15 year old girl who has severe learning differences. I know personally the inequality that exists in education. Her future trajectory mostly relies on my wife and I, her therapeutic parents, to provide a soft landing and trying to craft opportunities for her to thrive and feel valued. Not easy when the bar in society, for the most part, is so high. For her, and even for me as a grown up (ha!).

It's wholly unjust but I made my mind up long ago that the response-ability lies with 'us' not just Government and Schools. But try and help and provide out-of-the-box-thinking and you soon realise you can't get too far without burning out. As a family, we ended moving 500 miles away from what's familiar to change our prospects as the educational system in Hertfordshire gave up on our daughter before she reached double digits.

What’s harsh in my view, are the consequences of simply not coping as a child at a time when so much relies on you staying in school and doing well, and trust me, the bar is set very high, even for those who have an advantage. I worry for this younger generation. It feels futile at times, especially when you see the institutions around you wobble just as precariously. This futility must be felt deeply by them, something I didn't feel until I was older and it was something I didn't realise until the BLM movement really got going and it made me think about my own journey as a brown man in a, mainly, white corporate culture.

On a lighter note, the potential in humanity has always been my beacon. I was reminded recently of a story about a past mayor of New York who had a vision to clean up the city which he believed would improve community relations and attract new business. Graffiti was one issue this mayor decided to tackle but each time they would clean up, the artists would respond just as enthusiastically with fresh paint. But the mayor was determined to win over the rebels. He continued to clean up, even making those who were caught in the act to clean up the artwork themselves as a punishment. The message was clear. The art returned. This trend continued and the cost to repair mounted. As the story goes, locals began to prefer a cleaner look. I think it evolved into a corporate pride thing. There was much less graffiti as a result.?

There’s something in this story which I find akin to mentoring. There a behaviour that no one really wants. There's also a personal, mutual cost, but there’s also a mutual benefit that far outweighs the cost and it has an infectious and transformational effect for the better. This isn’t appreciated at first. And sometimes it takes time for a breakthrough, but the reconciliation gesture is a powerful intervention that eventually gets through to the heart and then something truly special begins to happen.?

I think the mayor realised how the community was estranged from one another and he somehow knew that he needed to demonstrate that community mattered more than budgets or targets albeit also being tough with offenders. Overall, the commitment to clean up was a powerful metaphor that brought a complex community together. He had a plan that he stuck to, grounded in behavioural science but led by faith in the potential of people, even those who were outcast or seen as a problem. Common ground was fought for rather than forced.

It seems so simple to spend less than an hour with a 15 year old each month. I personally find it challenging and frustrating at times. Doubt can creep in that it can actually make a difference. But it really does. And the mentors I’m speaking to say the same. The schools and parents say the same. The communities where the boys are from, and likely will live in one day would also say the same. Their life partners and children too. All would likely say thank you to you, the mentor. In an alternative universe some of these boys would likely develop into offenders and abusers of the worst kind. So the world thanks you too.

I’m going to be a little self-disclosing. Learning about the young people we mentor has been unnerving and I’m having to work hard to be positive for the near future for society. That said, I’ve never been so thankful for my education, although compared to today, my results wouldn’t of likely got me into university as they did in the mid 90s. I stayed in school, despite growing up in a violent and chaotic home, and I had the praise of many advocates to encourage me. I wouldn’t have survived growing up in a violent home without school.

My stepdad was a troubled and cruel man, he wasn’t a positive role model and it was confusing for me to know how I should treat women or behave well generally to my fellow human beings. I believe it’s probably better to not have a man (or woman) around if they are abusive although the truth is that both ends of the stick are sharp for the child, and society, but it’s clear that children have to be in school in order to be safe. The pandemic reminds us of this truth as domestic violence skyrocketed during lockdown.

Today, without attending school and achieving certain grades, life becomes unfairly-tough which can compound quicker than a Wonga.com loan. I can now see today’s reality and I know what it’s like to be distracted enough that your education and self-development suffers. I think I was fortunate to be born in the 70s in the UK and although my early years were traumatic, it seems that if I were in the same position today, I’m not so sure I would have the same opportunities… Just look at the stats for suicide among young men if you dare to. Something is happening and it ain't good.?

This begs the question who is raising our children, or more appropriately for adults, how are they being raised? I think most adults believe school is all that's needed to adequately educate our children enough to see them through to early adulthood and beyond. That isn't the case. It takes a village...

Sure, there’s much to celebrate with our education system however it’s not sufficient for so many. And I think you would struggle to find someone who says that they learned what they needed to at school and that's it's more aligned to academia than the reality of a real-world human experience.

I find this deeply challenging and I invite any of you who are equally interested in this question to join me in dialogue. Let me know if this is something you’re interested in or if you have any ideas on how we can improve the mentoring programme?

In my second session with my first mentee, we were discussing resilience and he was explaining that he was tuning out of a few lessons because he thought the teacher was teaching in such a way that it was distracting and uninspiring. In the same breath, my mentee claimed that there wasn’t really anything happening in life that he was finding particularly difficult and that his resilience was sound.

I, as mindfully as I could, explained how his attitude and response to not engage in certain lessons wasn’t exactly flexible or cooperative and that in fact he was choosing to miss out on his education and was putting his future prospects at risk if this continued. We acknowledged his frustration and inside I was proud of this young man as he argued the injustice, as he saw it anyway – I saw myself in that moment.

He had a point, but rather than be able to share his concerns to work out an alternative way to suit his particular needs, he was expected to step up and do the right thing regardless of his feelings or differences. I guess my mentee sensed the futility and decided to rebel. When you have been oppressed at home, it's a tough ask, I know, and still struggle to comply without an internal battle.

There is a word widely used in education circles, disaffectedness. It’s also used widely to describe a group of children are 16+ who are not in any formal education or training. The meaning of this work is ‘rebelliousness’. It made me think about my own journey and how rebelling gave me a sense of control and safety. It wasn’t my fault, I was just in self-preservation mode as a hormone-raging teen. I knew no different, but fortunately for me, I had something I was above average at, but my mentee isn’t as sure as I was and I don’t think that is wrong, unusual or a bad thing for a child.

The educational system, along with whatever is going on at home, are the catalyst that produces that rebelliousness and some children are punished as a result of simply trying to survive. It is unfair, especially for the least-privileged or neuro-diverse. Difference should be celebrated not ostracised. True equality means that those at a disadvantage need to be creatively supported rather than told it's the high way or you can leave.

On reflection, I shared something with my mentee that I now believe was poor advice. I said, that before he decided to rebel, he could have spoken to the teacher and explained what he needed, why, and could they work an alternative out? We role played this and I was able to give him alternative words that were less emotive and accusatory.

After the session, I realised that we live in a culture where compliance is conditioned and preferred. It's easier to manage the herd this way. Even as an employed adult you are required to uncomfortably comply. I was left with the thought that if my mentee tried what I’d said, he would have been met with obstruction rather than dialogue, flexibility and an alternative style of education better suited to his own learning style.

I think we are asking too much from our children and I also think mentoring is a prerequisite to a healthier global community that is connected from young to old, in all manner of settings, relevant to day to day life and relationships. It makes more sense if it was encouraged as a civic duty. If not, where are we headed indeed?

As someone who was 15 once, and struggled, thank you mentors. Please talk about what you do. People need to know about it. Remember self-care also. I hope to get to know you better in future.

Simon

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