Where Reciprocity Begins and Ends

It seems as though so much of life today is centered more so around perceived signals of success than success itself. There is something very peculiar about success: it is personal, or, rather, individualized. Although it might be easy to accept that there are universal measures that we all should subscribe to, is it not somehow more reasonable to presume that in so far as there is so much diversity from one person to the next, that this difference should extend to a unique measure of success for everyone? That is why I like a question commonly used by consultants, coaches and trainers - 'What does success look like to you?' Even with people who find themselves in jobs that require high precision such as surgeons and engineers, I would gather that between two of these in the same profession, the definition of success would vary and extend beyond simply doing the job accurately.

So what does all this talk of success have to do with reciprocity, the key word in the title of this article? Everything! And nothing. We've most likely encountered quotes such as - 'if you want a friend, then be a friend' - as well as - 'do unto others as you would have them do unto you'. The idea of reciprocity is not new and one can understand how important of a role it might play in work and life. A colleague helps you with an aspect of your work you were struggling with. You have the ear of your mutual boss and you put in a word for your colleague and pitch to your boss why you think she is due for a raise, which you are aware is a marker of success for your colleague. Your boss looks into this recommendation and, over time, the raise is granted. Success! And many-a-time, as this example proves, 'it's not what you know, but who you know' that leads to success. However, the place where this model begins to crumble is when your colleague cannot offer you anything that you actually want or need. What is your incentive then for speaking to your boss on her behalf? Could it still be important for you to do this? I would make the argument for 'yes' on this point, especially in instances where the person in question cannot make as strong enough an argument for herself, for one reason or the other.

Society, informed by new norms and cultures facilitated by the advent of social media, has taught us to recognize certain indicators as proof of success. When we examine some of these digital platforms, we realize that we have the tendency to judge our personal and professional success, as well as that of others, based on metrics such as the number of people following us and interacting with our content. What I find interesting, however, is sometimes encountering great companies, that I believe people generally vouch for 'on the ground', support and like, with very little activity and engagement on their social media pages. Does this in any way invalidate their identity as a great company? No. But it might, perhaps, suggest that their marketing team may not be so great. The reality is that not every company or individual needs the likes and comments of others in order to be successful. They may be so regardless of that. And, in fact, there may be many outside of this realm altogether who are doing perfectly fine. The concern, however, is for situations which likely require an endorsement of some sort to push the next person along on their road to success.

I recently watched the brilliant Tony-award winning musical Dear Evan Hansen which explores the serious themes of depression, social anxiety and suicide. Set in a world of teenage angst and aspiration, we meet our title character - Evan Hansen - who harbors deep-seated issues which can rarely be discerned on the surface. There doesn't appear to be any direct 'benefit' to anyone in being his friend and, consequently, he doesn't have many. Throughout the course of the story, he gets progressively mired into a lie, but in one moment of true honesty and authenticity within a crowd, he wins the hearts of his school mates garnering instant fame. Eventually the lie catches up to him and the hype that has come to surround him shatters. He, however, walks away with a better understanding and appreciation of himself and this newfound self-love opens him up more to the world around him. The exchange that really resonates begins with him telling someone that nobody would want to hear what he had to say because he was not considered cool to which the response given was that then 'most people don't know you very well'. Evan Hansen, seemingly, had nothing to offer to the world; however, we see all his potential come forth one moment in the spotlight.

Is there a place for you to highlight an individual or a company where your doing so could potentially turn the needle in favor of their success? The beauty in doing this occurs where you literally get nothing in return for it, not the sense of being superior nor even the expectation that you might possibly be spoken of as some sort of benefactor in the person's future success story. Notice that the Bible quotation doesn't say 'do ONLY unto others as you would have them do unto you'. This means we can go above and beyond that. Because everyone deserves to be successful. Regardless.

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