Where is Raymond Brogan?

Names in this article have been withdrawn and changed out of respect and to protect those involved.

I am back...

After 2 years, somewhat quite. I have returned, somewhat.

It all started with my father. He was ill and the doctors could do nothing about his condition. Congestive heart failure, hardened arteries, and renal failure. Donation for a new kidney was off the table because he wouldn't survive the procedure. I was the only family member healthy enough to pass the screening and was prepared to donate right there and then. My thought was, "He brought me into this world, I will do what it takes to prolong his life, even if for a week longer". The doctors gave him an expiration date, six months.

I have 5 siblings, in which I am the eldest. My brother next, brother 1, after him brother 2 Jr., after him my sister, sister 3, after her my sister, sister 4, and then the youngest, brother 5. I know that it would be easier with names, however, I have chosen not to use their names.

My Brother 2, heard the news and went on a drinking binge, he drank himself into a coma. While at the hospital, his brain began to have seizures, rendering him brain dead. Our mother and my sister 4 went to the hospital to pronounce him dead and decided to "pull the plug" on his life support system. The next day, Sister 4 was found dead, apparent hanging suicide.

Now, Day 4.

My cousin, a decorated and healthy Navy fighter pilot went to bed with his wife after putting his 2 children to bed. Only when morning came, he had passed, a Brain aneurysm.

Now, Day 5.

His father, my uncle was in the hospital for pneumonia and passed due to complications.

Now, Day 6.

My Aunt, the mother of my cousin that had passed, has a train that runs just behind her property. She had elected to step in front of the 8:15 am. Pronounced dead at the scene.

Now, Day 10.

My 13-year-old niece, a healthy cheerleader, track star, a gymnast is celebrating her 13th birthday when she suddenly, without warning, collapsed. She was pronounced dead at the hospital. The reason, ruptured aorta.

Now, Day 13.

Brother 5 dies while on combat duty. Fresh out of basic training and airborne school, shipped overseas, spends 3 days there. His camp was mortared, killing 2 including him.

Final Day.

My girlfriend of 18 months is sideswiped in her vehicle by an 18-wheeler not stopping at a red light, killing her instantly. My father, hearing all this news suffers a "widowmaker" heart attack and dies before his expiration date.

There are several expressions in English that reflect the idea that when one tragic thing happens other tragic things sometimes follow:“When it rains it pours” (or in British English, “it never rains but it pours”) and some people believe “bad things come in threes”. I started wondering if this idea (and corresponding idioms) existed in other languages. Luckily a quick “phone a friend” to Google provided some quick answers. Turns out those in the English-speaking world are not alone.

In Hebrew, the phrase is “Bad things come in packages”.

In Swedish, German, Spanish, French and a bunch of others, “misfortune seldom comes alone”.

In Latin, “troubles are followed by troubles” and “the abyss attracts the abyss”.

In Polish, “misfortunes walk in pairs”.

In Japanese, “when crying, stung by a bee”.

In Chinese, “good fortune never comes in two; bad luck never comes alone”.

In Russian, “when troubles come, leave the gate open”.

Kind of a downer to see all these expressions for such a painful phenomenon, but I guess on the bright side it shows I am not the first to be overwhelmed by multiple losses.

As wonderful as it would be to pretend that every time we suffer a loss we have time to process that loss and integrate it into our lives before we suffer another loss, these idioms found in languages around the world point to the sad fact that it is simply not the case. It is all too common that death is followed by another death. Pain is piled on pain; fear on fear; the abyss on the abyss. This experience of suffering a second loss before one has grieved the initial loss is sometimes known as “cumulative grief”, “bereavement overload” or “grief overload”.

I can hear your question already: when another loss arises, how can you possibly know if you have “grieved the initial loss”? This is a tough question because grief is so individual for all of us. For example, when I learned of my brother drinking himself, literally, to death, I was so pissed, I drove my new mustang down the freeway at 120 mph, without a care in the world about what happens to me. I stayed on the pedal for what seemed like hours, however, it was just approximately 8 to 10 minutes. Weaving in and out of traffic, riding the shoulder, cutting other vehicles off. Then my senses came back before something tragic would rear its head and take my life, or more senseless, an innocent person, or child, or family. I pulled off the next exit, went into the first fast-food stop, parked, and cried. about 2 hours later, a patrol car pulled behind me. I thought, "Well Mr. Brogan. The gig is up, take your punishment like a man, and just thank God, you didn't hurt anyone while driving like a complete idiot"! The Officer asked what is wrong, I explained about my father and then my brother's death. He politely asked where I live, I handed him (the officer) my License. He did the normal routine and came back saying I am all clear and so was the vehicle. To my amazement, not a single driver called 911 about an idiot in a mustang driving like a lunatic. The officer made another call and two more patrol cars arrived. The officers talked and approached me. The original officer that was talking to me had said, "Mr. Brogan, This is officer John Doe and Officer Jack Doe. Officer John Doe is going to stay here with your vehicle until a tow comes to pick it up and drop it off at your home, I will pay the tow, you are only 10 miles from this location, so it is not a problem, and I would be happy to take care of it because I believe you are in no condition to operate a motor vehicle. Officer Jack Doe here has volunteered to drive you home and has called another officer who deals with persons who have lost a loved one to meet you there and talk if you wish". I agreed.

There is no checklist or timeline that works for everyone, being notified of death after death made me numb, it still hasn't hit me. I miss my family, and no not how to grieve, my mind had shut down, I lost my home, my vehicles and was about to lose my businesses. Luckily, my CFO ran the show, barely keeping things going, barely supporting her family because she was barely keeping me alive. But one thing that is common to the many different grief theories out there and to the personal experiences of so many grievers is that grief requires time. Be it stages, tasks, or processes, we need time to attend to each loss. If we don’t have the time we need before another loss occurs we end up overwhelmed by these multiple losses and unable to give them the attention they need, or worse yet, we lose ourselves.

When we become overwhelmed by anything our mind kicks into an incredibly powerful defense mechanism, which is avoidance, and believe me, I avoided everyone and everything. There can be an inclination toward avoidance when experiencing just one loss, so it is not surprising that this inclination grows when losses are compiled on one another. Though avoidance, denial, and shock may seem like a really bad thing (and it can be if it is never resolved), it can be our body’s way of keeping us functioning in the short term. When we are overloaded with multiple losses, this avoidance allows some of us to maintain our day to day activities. In my case, not so much. What becomes important when losses have become cumulative is an awareness that we may need to make a concerted effort to begin the work of facing the reality of the loss, as this avoidance can’t continue indefinitely, as I found out.

Unfortunately, there is no magic answer for how to cope with cumulative grief. If you have suffered multiple losses, either all at once or before integrating the previous loss, some important things I learned along the way are:

1) Be aware of the risk of cumulative loss/grief overload. Knowing is half the battle! Just being aware that multiple losses in a short period poses unique challenges and can put you at risk for a grief process that is especially complicated is important. Cumulative losses do put us at higher risk for prolonged grief. If you are worried your grief is no longer ‘normal’ don’t panic – even if your grief is more complex, there is help out there!

2) Be sensitive to other friends or family members who have suffered multiple losses and are at risk for cumulative grief. When we lose someone we become absorbed in our own way of grieving. We can find it difficult to deal with people who are grieving differently. Being sensitive to the differences between all grievers is important. This sensitivity can be especially important when someone faces the unique challenges of cumulative grief. I have lost practically every friend I ever had.

3) Be aware of the increased possibility of avoidance or denial in instances of cumulative grief. To make it through, one day at a time, you may find yourself more prone to avoidance than you have ever been in the past. This can also increase your risk of alcohol or drug use, as these substances can be tempting to numb pain. Maintain an awareness that you must ultimately grieve one or all of the losses. Professional support may be a good idea if attending to the grief of these losses is feeling impossible. I eventually sought help and found it. Is it helping? I am writing this article, biting through the emotions and depressive state that wants to take over.

4) Keep in mind that time is not the only factor in cumulative grief. Though it may be tempting to assume that bereavement overload only occurs when deaths occur in immediate succession, this is not the case. A loss that was never fully attended to years before can be brought back up by a new loss and can be overwhelming.

5) Substance abuse can increase the risk of cumulative grief. When abusing drugs or alcohol, people are prone to avoid grieving. Trust me, the abuse of alcohol and drugs will lead you down a path that you may not ever recover from. I was lucky when the few friends I had left intervened. They more than likely, have saved my life. Using drugs or alcohol to numb grief can result in never fully grieving losses. This means that when a person stops using drugs or alcohol they may face multiple losses that they failed to grieve over the course of years or even decades. Once someone stops using drugs or alcohol they may find themselves facing multiple losses from the past that they avoided with substances, and hence experiencing grief overload.

6) Grief is as unique as each person we lose, so we cannot rush grieving multiple losses. Though it can be tempting to think that grief is grief, and we can lump our grief work together if we have multiple losses in a short period, the reality is that we must grieve ever loss individually. Grief is not generic to any loss but is specific to each person we lose, our relationship with that person, and the circumstances of that loss. Attention must be spent on each loss in order to integrate them into our lives.’

7) Cumulative grief can put a greater strain on our faith. One devastating loss can be difficult enough and can cause us to question our faith in a higher power. When someone suffers multiple losses, this feeling can increase. People can begin to feel they are being punished (remember Job?), have a harder time resolving a benevolent God with all the pain they have seen and felt, or struggle with repeatedly experiencing ‘bad things happening to good people’. This is certainly not true in every case of grief overload. Many will continue to find strength in their faith (again, remember Job?), but it is important to know it is normal if your faith shakes as a result of grief overload. I for one blamed the almighty for doing this to me, and I have yet to call upon him in prayer or in church.

8) It is important for hospitals, hospices, and other healthcare professionals to be aware of cumulative grief. Like compassion fatigue and vicarious trauma, the experience of building relationships (even professional relationships with appropriate boundaries) with patients and repeatedly experiencing the death of those patients can take a toll on healthcare providers. Though the grief of professionals may take a different form than friends and family, it is important for professionals to grieve these losses to avoid developing an unhealthy avoidance or detachment. Personally, my health deteriorated at an astronomical rate.

If you have had multiple losses, pretty pretty please, consider some professional support. Just give it a try. You may be surprised by how much it helps. I know I sure did. When you are already emotionally and physically exhausted from the pain of one loss, it can only help to seek support when more losses pile on. If that truly doesn’t feel right for you, consider other ways to attend to each of your losses. Learn about grief. Find a friend or family member to talk to. Write or journal. Find a creative outlet, like art or photography. Join a support group. Just make it something that works for you and that will allow you the opportunity to deal with each of these losses. And remember, even if the abyss attracts the abyss, tomorrow is a new day and hope springs eternal.

The 8 listed things to remember above are both from research and personal experience. Sure, I lost everything. But I am still alive and am hopeful that I can regain the momentum I once had as a business person. I am hopeful that in the years to come, in some way, I can grieve successfully, that one day, I can be successful in work and business. "Baby Steps," they tell me. "Write about it, share your experience so others know they are not alone". "Then, and only then, will you have arisen from all this tragedy. You have the power within, to carry on and with that, they all live on within you"!

To my readers, I am not looking for pity, nor condolences. I wrote this article in a somewhat selfish reason, to bring me peace.

Then I realized, I wrote this article so that if you know someone going through something similar, or even yourself, that this may help guide you from the dark place that can be so easily found, yet so very difficult to escape from. Let those who come to help and offer a shoulder do exactly that. Because doing what I had done before finding the strength to prevail, is a far more dangerous and possibly a lethal self-destructive force ever to be reckoned with.

There is a saying I wish to share before closing;

"A smart man learns from his mistakes, but a wise man learns from the mistakes of others".

Learn from mine, take my advice however you will, but remember, no two people grieve the same, yet everyone grieving truly needs the support from friends, family, and loved ones.