Where is My mother?

What to do when a person living with dementia asks for their mother;

You may have been in this heartbreaking situation before. Your mum or dad or a loved one living with dementia appear distressed and uncomfortable. They are asking for their mother. Or their father. Or maybe they are at home but they are asking to go home. Of course, you know (as well as they used to know) that their parents passed away years prior. And while witnessing these sort of behaviours can be distressing (not just for the person living with dementia but for other family members too), there are valid reasons why this happens. And in circumstances where a dementia patient is asking for their mother, some ways of handling the situation are more helpful than others.

In this article, we discuss some of the strategies that you or a carer can employ when a dementia patient asks for their mother.

Why does a dementia patient ask for their mother? 

Disorientation of time, place, and person

While dementia can refer to a broad range of symptoms, both memory loss and disorientation of time, place, and person are common symptoms. This is why one of the first steps taken when screening someone for dementia is assessing their cognitive functioning and level of awareness when it comes to time, places, people, and situations.

Some of the questions that get asked include:

• Can the person remember their names? Do they recognise and remember their loved ones? (Spouses, partners, children, etc.)
• Does the person understand where they are?
• Does the person know the date, the day of the week, the season, the year, etc.?
• And can the person explain the situation they're in? For example, do they realise that they're being assessed by a doctor or a medical professional?

Often when dementia is diagnosed, awareness around these areas (time, place, and person) has, to a certain extent, already been lost. In other words, people affected by dementia often feel disorientated by their surroundings and settings and particularly by time. It's therefore understandable that they might become confused about the fact that many years may have passed since they lost their own parents.

When a dementia patient is asking for their mother (or father), in that particular moment, they have no awareness of time. They don't know when their present is.

Discomfort or distress

A dementia patient calling out for their parents is often triggered by a situation where the person feels discomfort or distress or doesn't feel safe. Because of the damage that has affected certain areas of their brain, they can't, however, interpret or articulate these feelings. And the only way they can express these emotions, in a very instinctive way, is to call out for their mother.

The discomfort, distress, or feeling of not being safe could be caused by different reasons:

• Physical factors - the person is feeling cold, hungry, or thirsty. Maybe they need the toilet.
• Emotional factors - the person finds themselves either in an unfamiliar setting or situation. Because of the disorientation they are experiencing, they don't know where they are, what day it is, or what is happening at this moment.

The instinctive reaction to these feelings is to call out for someone who can 'make it better' . And who else do we know who can make things better? Who will take care of us no matter what? Our mums. Our parents. While this isn't the case for everyone, for most of us, our subconscious memory has plenty of 'evidence' that our mum or dad will take care of us and make us feel well and secure again.

A similar scenario is that of a dementia patient who asks 'to go home'. And by that, they mean their childhood home. Because that's a place they associate with feeling safe, protected, and comforted.

But while, with the right knowledge and information, it's easy to understand why this might happen, how can we respond to the situation in a positive way? The last thing we want to do is to inadvertently shame the dementia patient or make them feel even worse about the situation or about themselves.

Responding to a dementia patient asking for their mother

If you find yourself in a situation where your own parent or a loved one who has been diagnosed with dementia, are asking for their mother or father, it's completely normal to feel confused or unsure about how to react.

After all, this behaviour is sad and upsetting to witness. Heartbreaking, even. The realisation of just how much you're 'losing' your own parent can be hard. And now they don't even remember that their own parents have passed away!

Also, the shift in relationship dynamic can be frustrating and hard to experience. Your parents are the ones who raised you, looked after you, protected you, and provided for you when you were younger. And now they can't do this anymore. Not only that, but the roles are now reversed. And your parents are the ones in need of help and support.

It's only natural that we react by bluntly stating the facts. But often, this can, unfortunately, cause more harm. Instead, look for different ways to handle this request. Try to look past what your loved one is saying and look at the emotion that might have triggered the need for their mother.

This doesn't mean you have to necessarily lie, but hearing the truth is likely to be distressing for someone who is already experiencing discomfort and trying to communicate it the only way they know how to. Plus, telling someone that their parents have passed might actually trigger the grieving process all over again and cause a lot of additional distress.

So what can you do instead when a dementia patient is asking for their mother?

1. Acknowledge and validate

We have established that reminding or telling a dementia patient that their mother passed away 20 years ago isn't what they want or need to hear at that moment. An alternative and more helpful approach is to acknowledge and validate what they are saying. Show them that you've heard them.

2. Ask questions about their mother (or father)

Asking the person questions can act as a distraction. Here are some ideas for you:

• Tell me more about your mother. What did she look/sound like?
• What did your mother use to cook you? Did she use to bake with you?
• And what did you use to do together?

The response you receive might give you more information about what your loved one is really trying to communicate and what created the need to reach out for their mother in the first place. Also, when people with dementia are engaged in conversations that involve the past and encouraged to reminisce, they will often relax and de-stress.

Ultimately, this is your chance to distract them from that feeling of discomfort they were experiencing. So if the other person is open to it, you could also try and change the topic of conversation. Or maybe even create a change of setting by suggesting that you go out for a walk, for example (if that is possible and appropriate at the time). It could be that by asking you to see their mother, they are trying to tell you that they're tired of an activity, for example.

3. Address the situation

The third thing you can do is to try and work out what the problem is. As you acknowledge that the other person's discomfort or distress, what can you do to help? Based on what you know or have observed about your loved one (by looking at their surroundings and their body language), what do you think you could do to make them feel safe and comfortable again?

Here are some things for you to consider:

• Do they need the toilet?
• Might they be feeling too cold/too hot?
• Have they seen/heard something that might have upset them?
• Are they tired?
• Do they need a change of clothes?
• Do they need some fresh air? Would a walk help?
• Perhaps you could listen to some music together?

There could be a variety of reasons or triggers for this feeling of discomfort or distress. You might find it easy to understand what has happened and how you can best resolve the situation. Or you might not. At times, working out what the matter really is and how you can resolve it might be more challenging. But as long as you are open and willing to try and find that trigger and that solution, you probably will.

You might need to try a few different approaches or questions to see what works best. But always try to keep in mind that the other person is trying to communicate something. They are craving security, comfort, and familiarity. How can you give that back to them? Focus on that, and you won't go wrong. What's important is to try not to dwell in the original painful and frustrating reaction that we can instinctively experience when we first hear our loved one call out for their mother or father.

Asking for professional help and support

If you know the person well, or if you have been caring for them for a while, working out what they might need when they express their distress might be easy for you. After all, experience comes with time. But if the situation is new to you, or if you are finding it stressful or distressing, consider asking for help.

Getting professional help in the form of a trained CAREGiver who can give you advice and support when you most need it might make all the difference to the type of care that you're able to provide to your loved one and also to the state of your own mental health. Working with a professional might also give you the chance to discuss and share information and strategies that you could try out in order to make your loved one more comfortable.

If you want to find out more about the services we offer and how we support loved ones living with dementia as their condition progresses, you can find more information on our website https://www.homeinstead.co.uk/home-care-services/dementia-care-including-alzheimers-disease/

You can find details on : https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/