Where is the line between being kind to yourself, and just simply procrastinating....

Ahh, it’s the end of a long day (or is it?) Actually, its only 8.30pm and for most working mums that’s simply the start of ‘shift 3’ for the day. Let me explain ‘shift 3’. It starts promptly after ‘shift 2’. Ok, lets start with ‘shift 2’. This closely resembles picking the kids up from care or school, rushing them to an activity or an appointment of some kind (for me it was the latter today), convincing them to start the activity (“you’ll love it – look, Johnny is doing it and he’s having so much fun.” “Once you’ve finished you can have an ice-cream… a car…. a gold-plated soccer ball… God dam it, just start the frickin activity….!!!!”)…. and then convincing them to end the activity that, half an hour earlier, they didn’t want to start. We then taxi them home, and enter the joys of dinner time (for some a more harrowing experience than others). After negotiating our way through dinner, we power through homework (I know, I know – it’s the absolute BEST time of the day for EVERYONE. Homework was certainly designed to bring families closer together in a way that no single other activity (not chores nor healthy green food) can. Ahh, absolute bliss…). If you’ve somehow survived that without losing a family member along the way, then it’s off to bath, books and bed time (or snapchatting – is this what older kids do?)

 Then ‘shift 3’ starts – shift 3 consists of getting all of the sh*t done that you couldn’t get done during ‘shift 2’. Sometimes ‘shift 3’ blends into ‘shift 2’ (‘why can I still hear talking’; ‘no, you’re arm DOESN'T hurt. I know its broken, but I’m sure it doesn’t hurt…’ ‘No, you don’t need another glass of water… or a Band-Aid…’ and ‘There’s nothing to be scared of, and (for the hundredth time) there aren’t any robbers and they can’t get into our house!’). Oh god, just let 'shift 2' end…

 Parts of ‘shift 2’ (those not involving driving) and most of ‘shift 3’ are often accompanied by an alcoholic beverage. Either because you’re celebrating the fact that you’ve survived, or you’re simply in the process of surviving (I confess that I’m not as prone to this as in my previous life, but the beverage does call rather loudly at times). 

 So, anyway. As I was saying. After having (almost) finished ‘shift 2’, I was contemplating starting ‘shift 3’. And this is where the battle with my inner-voice commenced. “I have a headache” (true), “I’ve been exhausted all day” (also true), “I’m fighting a cold” (yep, true) and “I won’t be able to concentrate long enough to write anything that makes sense or has any purpose” (questionable…) “If I start writing now, I won’t get to bed early enough to be able to have a good sleep and be productive tomorrow” (again, questionable…) “I deserve to watch Netflix and each chocolate” (hmmm…) “I should really be kind to myself and just rest.” (Oh, so kind…)

 These kinds of inner dialogues happen often. Perhaps, for those averse to early mornings (me, me, me), you may recognise the one that goes something like this: “I’ll be too tired and won’t be able to get my best work done if I get up now. I had better just sleep for an extra hour and skip the gym / run / yoga class. I can go at lunch time instead”. (And yes, lunch time comes and goes and there’s no hint of said gym, run or yoga class).

But the inner voice is so clever. Its so convincing. The excuses all have an element of reality to them. And sometimes, they’re legitimate. How do we tell the difference between the voice that’s trying to be kind: “no really, you DO need sleep and rest when you’re sick”, and the one that’s hiding other realities that are stopping you from getting sh*t done. For example, I absolutely am NOT at my best tonight. But, in reality, I was probably more fearful of the task than what I was giving it space for, and was hiding behind a relatively convenient excuse. I was feeling a little overwhelmed (because my deadline was upon me and I hadn’t any plans of what I was to write), guilty (for said failure to have thought of any ideas in advance of said deadline) and fearful that the end product would be embarrassing. And perhaps it IS (sorry for those who have made it this far.) But, trying to sneak out of my task by blaming it on my headache and exhaustion (both slightly overstated), my inner-voice wasn’t really being kind. I wasn’t really investigating what was going on inside, and dealing with my fear or blockage. To be honest, the thing that was going to make me feel better – the best way of being kind to myself – was to acknowledge my fear, be sensitive to it, and gently guide myself through it by giving myself some encouraging words and connecting with the joy of my task. To connect with the sense of achievement it would give me when it was finished. To be kind to myself rather than feeling guilty for not having started earlier (honestly – when would that have been??? Between the hours of midnight and 2am, I’m guessing. That’s when you’re inner voice has every right to say ‘GO TO BED’). 

 It’s a difficult balancing act. But being kind to yourself generally doesn’t involve agreeing to another glass of wine, or avoiding a task when the true reason for wanting to avoid it is hidden behind your well-meaning, but often misguided inner-voice. It involves truly connecting with what’s going on for you, listening to your body and heart (as well as that all-encompassing mind) and then acting. For those who have been involved in law for many, many years, the former two are almost impossible to find and require much digging out from the trenches. Good luck with that. 

 So, be truly kind and before you procrastinate, question your true motives, name them (this helps your brain deal with them, apparently), gently guide yourself through them, and then get sh*t done (which may, in the end, actually mean going to bed. Which is what I’m going to do now. Shift 3 finished. Job done.)

 (Post-script: ‘shift 1’ consists of the normal work day, and I’m not even going to touch on what pre-shift 1 entails. That can be the subject of another post.)