Where is Ishmael Dagwood?

In late 2017, prose attributed to Ishmael Dagwood surfaced during a raid on his former UWS residence by the DEA, H&M, and the FBI. On the bedside table were what many believed to be Ishmael's final words. "....just take 2 before breakfast, lunch, and dinner with water..."

Some considered it, at the time to be a suicide note. Others viewed it as a warning of what was to become of us. Conspiracy theories exploded across the networks as those "in the know" latched onto the coat-tails of Ishmael's vanishing and lectured the uninitiated with endless rounds of:

"they say..."

"allegedly..."

and

"sources close to..."

For the most part, Ishmael's sign-off would be seen, printed on novelty t-shirts hanging outside beachside boutiques, all the way from Virginia Beach to Kitty Hawk, and at every stop in between.

That all changed this week when an unnamed man disrupted an otherwise perfectly calm UN conference, with shouting, the waving of an oversized inflatable cucumber, and an oddly significant amount of support for Hans Richter's infamous, 1973 eulogy on predictive behavioral patterns, in inanimate objects, "Wir sind alle Fruchtkuchen".

Before leaving he stunned the small crowd with an impromptu performance of Wagner's 15-hour opera Der Ring, adapted obviously for solo voice and inflatable cucumber.

Notes were generally favorable. Billboard's Nick Baylor praised the performance as a "stunning enterprise, a ballsy testament to [Ishamel's] insistence on being a style-setter and one of the planet's most savvy—and now critically accountable—reputation stylist savants."

Nevertheless, the performance received hoots of derision from the Israeli contingent at the UN, who claimed the performance demonstrated a clear and present Wagnerisation of the UN, hitherto unseen since 1986.

Here, the Israeli contingent is referring to the last time someone carrying an inflatable vegetable and a book written by the truly appalling Hans Richter, disrupted UN operations and performed work or works composed by Richard Wagner.

According to the Inoffiziell Deutsche Grammophon Podcast, Wagners?Der Ring des Nibelungen?für Solostimme und aufblasbare Gurke was performed in its entirety in Cairo, Egypt, September 4th 1996. The then, Egyptian Antiquities Commission invited Ishmael (who is incapable of any form of operatics) to perform the opera on a specially constructed stage at the feet of the Sphinx.

It was made very clear in the hours and minutes leading up to the performance that, at certain critical points along the way, both parties had failed catastrophically, to fully understand each other or, the precise details surrounding the ridiculousness of inviting a man to perform a fifteen-hour opera in the desert accompanied by a book and an item of inflatable salad.

The event will be remembered for eternity as being the only one of its kind, where the concert promoter sold tickets based upon the "Metric Attendance Algorithm". Meaning, If you only attended the first five minutes and then decided to go home, that is all you would pay for. If you wanted to come in for the beginning of the show, leave and come back for the encores, then that is all you would be billed for.

The sheer quantity of logistical, legal, accounting, and tax problems was so large, that when the case was presented to the courts in New York, it took eleven days to deliver the legal files containing 3.2 billion reasons why the "Metric Attendance Algorithm" is just silly! Hailed by tech communities at the time as the evolution of online ticketing, the rest of humanity revolted with such force that it was never spoken of again.

Ishmael's performance and ALL mention of it quickly vanished from social media outlets after an ultra-right-wing belly dancing group claimed, watching recordings of the performance rendered viewers temporarily Glaswegian. While this claim was quite rightly disputed and successfully refuted by the good people of Glasgow, upon questioning at a Special UN Committee Hearing, the Israeli Delegation declined to comment, leading some theorists to entertain the now infamous "Wagner is Scottish" claim.

Alas, the damage was done and Ishmael vanished once more into the night never to be seen again...

This is a developing story with multiple contributors. Stay tuned for updates.

The world needs Ishmael. Now more than ever! Here are the only known soundbites from his last appearance in public.

Under the guise of his alter ego Mikhail Sakhalin, Ishmael answers questions from the press at the "London - Post Brexit - Marathon Tax Law - Launch Party with DJ Fajid & Carol."

"The longer one takes to complete the marathon, the less tax one will pay! So only the winners lose. It's flawless British thinking! Don't you see? It's good for the people, it's good for the environment, it is claimed, to have been proven, to be a cure, for all known maladies, and it does not cost Britain a penny.

Above all else, this will make Britain, the envy of Europe. After Britain has done it, everyone will do it. It has always been this way. Britain has always been first.

Look this is a great platform to demonstrate some of the seeds that were planted by Brexit and how far The British have come as a people.

Taxing marathon runners is just the beginning. These nut bags are totally off the charts!!" Mark my words!

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For those looking to learn more about Ishmael, once upon a time he wrote a blog about the watch industry. Check it out!! It's terrible.

https://ishmaeldagwood.wordpress.com/