Where Does Resilience Come From?

Over the last 30 years, I’ve learned a few things about resilience, specifically where it comes from and how you can develop more of it.

Why does resilience matter?

With over 57 million people in the gig economy in North America and counting, I can't help but wonder if gig employees are equipped to survive and thrive despite repeated small business failure? Approximately 50% of small businesses fail in the first year. If that statistic is accurate, then resilience must be a key contributor to those who succeed. Resilience is something they don't teach you in business school and I can't help but wonder if people who are entering the gig economy fully realize where resilience comes from and how they can develope more of it?

To help explain where resilience comes from, I thought I'd share my epic entreprenurial stress induced heart crisis at 40 and how I bounced back to become more resilient than ever. But then I thought my Ironman journey might be too unrelatable.

Then I thought I’d explain where resilience comes from by sharing my epic entrepreneurial business failure, working with some of Canada’s largest big box retailers, getting sabotaged by one of my customers (not the one featured in this picture) and almost losing my home and going bankrupt in the process (hense the health crisis). Again, that might be too unrelatable. Sigh!

So, then I thought...kids!

We can all relate to kids, right? How many of you have kids? How many of you have ever been a kid? Almost everyone? Close enough…

Let me explain where resilience comes from with a relatable story about kids.

When my kids were younger, I started an annual father and kids camping trip to Algonquin Park, just North of Toronto. Sorry, no moms allowed on this camping trip...EVER!

• No matter how much moms enjoy sleeping in tents with SPIDERS.
• No matter how much moms enjoy walking by flashlight to use OUTHOUSES in the woods at night.
• No matter how much moms LOVE mosquitoes, they weren’t invited. Not on this trip anyway.

At its peak, there were 6 dad’s and 17 kids. Boys and girls ranging from 7 – 18 in age. The way these kids got along was just amazing.

But to keep things civil, you know, back home with all the dance moms, we needed to establish some firm ground rules for the camping trip. Did I mention that all the girls were competitive dancers? You know the type, tight hair buns, high pony’s, hair spray, always clean, no wispy hairs, healthy snacks only please and never ever get dirty.

Anyway, the first two ground rules were for the kids:

Rule # 1. The answer will always be YES if you promise not to tell your mother.

Rule #2. If you have any other questions, refer to rule #1.

The 3rd and final ground rule was more for the dads:

Rule #3. Bring all of the kids back home ALIVE!

Now that we had all the ground rules firmly in place, my 7-year-old daughter Katelyn and one of her best friends Mackenzie came up to my friend Eric and I (Mackenzie’s dad) and asked us if they could take the canoe out by themselves.

We were in a small bay, maybe 100 yards across so we said yes, provided they wore their life jackets and what was rule #1? Don’t tell your mother. Right?

All excited, they put their life jackets on and jumped into the canoe and headed out while Eric and I watched from shore. In less than 2 minutes we watched the wind blow them directly across the bay.

Now they had to make their way back… into the wind.

These girls were no match for the wind. Together they might have weighed 100lbs soaking wet. Mackenzie was a year older and just a little bigger than Katelyn and without working together, the wind just kept spinning them in circles. They were failing miserably and had a difficult problem to solve.

Their first reaction was to paddle independently, do their own thing, try to take control which only led to arguing with each other. Then came the calls across the water to dad for help.

Eric and I decided this would be a good character-building exercise for them, so we yelled back, "put the bigger girl in the front and figure it out".

Then came the tears, more arguing and the realization that help wasn't coming. It was hilarious! For Eric and I. It was actually better than watching TV, besides, the girls were safe and in no danger, we could hear their entire conversation echoing across the water. Things never escalated into panic mode.

Eric and I just sat in our lawn chairs on shore watching them. You know, rule #3.

After a couple of minutes something amazing started to happen. They realized they were safe and that we believed in them. They could see and knew exactly where they wanted to go. So, they calmed down and they started working together.

Through their own iterative process, they changed positions in the canoe. They tried different ways of paddling together until they finally started to make some progress.

It took them less than 2 minutes to get across the bay and about half an hour to work their way back. By the time they made it back to our campsite, they were all smiles. The tears were long gone, and they were both filled with a newfound confidence and competence.

What did these girls teach us about where resilience comes from?

1. You need a mentor who believes in you, before you even believe in yourself
2. You need a clear vision of where you want to go
3. You need an iterative process that allows you to learn from your mistakes
4. You need a sense of progress, to feel like you are moving forward
5. You need to take risks and leave the helicopter micro-managers at home

I can safely share this story with confidence, I’ve been resiliently married for over 30 years.

What do you think? Can the same process for resilience work for adults too? It's a theme that keeps repeating itself in both my personal and professional life. Can you relate to this story? Could it work for you too? Let me know in the commens below and share this article with your connections if you think people could use a little more resilience in their lives with a story they an relate to.

Keep moving forward!