Where does people pleasing and perfectionism actually come from?

Where does people pleasing and perfectionism actually come from?

As ambitious mums, we often find ourselves juggling the demands of family, career, and personal growth. Yet, beneath the surface of our busy lives lies a pattern deeply ingrained within us: the urge to please, or the urge to be perfect.

From a young age, we were taught to please, and we were consistently praised for pleasing. We learned that our worth is tied to what we do for others, how we make others feel and that we are only worthy of love if others approve of us and are happy with us. Anything that didn’t please our caregivers we were reprimanded for… so we adapted ourselves to fit in, belong, and feel loved.

What was praised in us we adapted and what was rejected in us, we rejected within ourselves.

Then we reach 40 or 50 years old and think who the hell am I and whose life am I living, and what are these behaviours Im stuck in?

But what many of us fail to realize is that this pattern of people-pleasing is a trauma pattern and doesn’t just come from our conditioning, it also comes from not having our emotional needs met as children..

As children, we had nine emotional needs that required nurturing: the need to feel seen, heard, understood, and loved; the need to express our authentic selves; the need for validation, acceptance, belonging, and attention. When these needs went unmet, it created a void—a trauma within us that led to subconscious patterns of behaviour.

For instance, if we didn't feel heard or validated growing up, we may have learned to suppress our own voice to avoid confrontation or rejection. As adults, we may find ourselves agreeing with others even when we don't truly agree, all to seek validation and avoid conflict. We may fear voicing a different opinion to others for fear of judgement or rejection.

Similarly, if we grew up in environments where our emotional needs were overshadowed by a sibling's demands or a parent's illness, we may have adopted the role of the "good child" to keep the peace and earn love.

And, if you grew up with a highly critical mum or dad you may have become a pleaser as a way to seek their validation and do everything perfectly.

These patterns become deeply ingrained in our subconscious minds and nervous systems, which store our unmet needs, repressed childhood emotions and our habitual coping strategies, shaping how we interact with the world around us. The saying that we don't live a life, we live a pattern is so true, only often we can't see our own blind spots, we accept that this is just who we are.

As children in order to survive and keep our attachment to our parents, we adapt ourselves to belong, to be loved and accepted- because if we didn't, we feared being hurt, rejected or love being taken away. We may be adults physically but energetically and emotionally we’re still operating from these unmet childhood needs and our conditioned selves (who we thought we had to be in order to feel loved and accepted).

These are your subconscious blocks and they show up in your automatic habitual behaviours- perfectionism, procrastination, people- pleasing, avoiding conflict, driven by other people’s opinions, seeking external validation, doubting yourself, emotional suppression...all protective patterns of behaviours.

When you realise the roots of your people-pleasing tendencies and dysfunctional patterns you can begin to reclaim your power, to heal those emotional wounds, so that you can embrace your truth worth and step into your fullest expression.

So, to all the ambitious moms out there, I invite you to embark on a journey of self-discovery and healing. To break free from the chains of people-pleasing and step into your authentic selves. Because when you embrace your true worth, you create a ripple effect of empowerment that extends far beyond yourselves—to your families, your communities, and the world at large.

?