Where do your self-sabotage habits come from?

"We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then is not an act, but a habit." Aristotle

Have you ever wanted something so badly for so long and yet failed? Do you find yourself wondering why you keep repeating the same patterns of behaviour, playing a safe game and getting the same results despite knowing you want more? This cycle of self-sabotage can lead to a lifetime of regret and self-loathing that can be difficult to live with. So why do we do it.....?  

Self-sabotage is often misunderstood. It's actually a coping mechanism designed to keep us safe from perceived threat, whether it be physical or emotional pain. It is any behaviour, thought, emotion or action that holds you back from getting what you consciously want. 

What we categorise as a threat is based on our values and belief system. Anything seen to contravene our moral compass therefore is seen as a threat.

So if you aren't getting the results you want in your personal, professional and financial life chances are your values and beliefs are not aligned to your vision which leads to cognitive dissonance. This is where creating conscious awareness around your identity beliefs and rule beliefs can be a game changer. 

Self-sabotage in action

So it was Friday night and Italy was playing Sweden in the European championship and I was at a friends house watching the game. It was a freezing cold night and while the pizza and red wine helped temper my internal thermostat my toes were literally freezing in my shoes. With the heater broken the best the host could do was offer me a blanket to which I said no to. My initial thought was, "no no don't trouble yourself, watch the game." 

When we finally got into the car and cranked up the heater I shrieked out, "I'm freezing!!!" to which my partner said so how come you didn't take up the offer for a blanket. 

That question has plagued me for weeks and I was left wondering why was I depriving myself. I started thinking about where else this behaviour may be playing out in my life at home and at work. 

The example that sticks out in my mind the most is my propensity to work through my lunch break when on a deadline despite my stomach eating itself. I keep telling myself, "I'll just finish this last sentence while I'm on a role." Before I know it, it's 3pm and I've not had lunch. 

Too often I hear stories of peers burning themselves out and ending up with all sort of ailments like adrenal fatigue. Is it really worth it...?

Why do we do this to ourself? For what purpose?

Where does self-sabotage come from? 

You may not be surprised to learn a lot of it has to do with how you were raised and the rules you were brought up with in your household, for it is our beliefs that drive our behaviour. 

Here are some beliefs that may trigger your fears and drive self-sabotage:

• It's rude to ask for what you want

As a child you may have been taught when you go to someone's house it is rude to ask for things and the polite thing to do is wait to be offered and even then say no thank you. This can drive the fear of looking bad and the need for approval whereby your needs come last. How do you know if this belief is still driving your behaviour? Consider in the workplace how long you wait before asking for help....or asking for a pay rise....? 

•  No swearing 

Children are generally discouraged from using profanity and threatened with soap in the mouth if they disobey. If you have an aversion to swearing chances are it's a global belief of yours that may impact your interpersonal relationships and ability to connect with others who do not share this view. Equally This can drive perfectionistic traits of needing to look good on the exteriour which can result in increased anxiety and the propensity to judge yourself and others.

• Be good 

Being told to play quietly and be seen and not heard may seem like a reasonable request, yet the impact to the subconscious can be astronomical. The translation in behavioural terms may equate to emotional and vocal containment, robbing the child of self expression and self-esteem. As an adult if you find yourself holding back in meetings and apologising for interrupting or having an opinion this may be the cause of some of your pain. If you have a tendency to start sentences with the words, "I'm sorry," this may be a tell sign. 

• No fighting  

This is a big one for a lot of people, the negative conation created around conflict and the reluctance to assert ones self. This can drive an inability to say no, a tolerance for rudeness and disrespect and in some cases a vulnerability to bullying.

• Don't make a mess

Parents spend countless hours asking their children to clean up after themselves. If there was a measure of OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) in your household chances are you may have a streak of perfectionism in you that drives your need to look good and be right. It is likely you seek comfort and security in structure and detail. While there are advantages to this level of discipline your strategic thinking and creativity may be impacted. Waiting until everything is perfect can also serve as an excuse to stay safe and procrastinate. 

Now before you run to your parents, note there is a statute of limitations on blaming your parents, and while the origins of these beliefs and behaviours may have come from your childhood you are no longer a child.

How do you know if you are self-sabotaging? 

So it's time to start recognising the beliefs that drive your self-sabotage and the excuses you make to yourself to justify your lack of results. Common excuses that prevent us from moving forward include:

• This won't work
• I can't do this
• I'm too busy right now
• I'm just not ready yet
• I'm just not good enough
• I don't have enough time/money/resources 

The truth is anything worth having is worth fighting for, and if you truely want it you will find a way. So ask yourself, if you had no fear and all the resources needed what would you do.....? 

"Anything worth having is worth fighting for." Susan Elizabeth Phillips

The 4 steps to STOP self-sabotage

There are four key steps to support you in identifying and eliminating the behaviour of self-sabotage. 

1. Identify the self-sabotage behaviour: Conducting a values elicitation is key to unpacking and defining your rules around each you values and beliefs. The aim here is to turn autopilot off and be clear about what values are driving your behaviour and in turn the results you are getting. 
2. Know your triggers: Become diligent at identifying the events, behaviours and language that may trigger your self-sabotage. In so doing elicit your strategy so the steps you take to 'do' self-sabotage are well defined. With this knowledge you are empowered to break and rewrite your strategy.
3. Develop a more resourceful strategy: While you may not have the power to eradicate certain people, behaviours or event from triggering the old strategy or even avoiding them you do have the power to choose a new more resourceful strategy. With practice this new pattern of behaviour will become a habit. 

If you are tiered of spinning your wheels in the cycle of self-sabotage and are looking for results perhaps it's time we finally talk. 

We at Santoriello Consulting are here as your trusted advisor to support you in eliciting the values that align to your master plan and are going to help you exceed your desired results.