Where do you go when you’re lonely?

Where do you go when you’re lonely?

This was a question I raised in our mens coaching group last night. Loneliness was the uncomfortable feeling I brought up as something I’ve been experiencing but you might replace loneliness with any number of uncomfortable emotions that come up for us.  

Anger, shame, boredom, resentment, jealousy, fear, anxiety, overwhelm, sadness…

Theres a long list of emotions we often look to shut down, escape or avoid. We see them as negative, ‘wrong’ or something in the way rather than on the way.

And so the question where do you go when you’re lonely (or whatever emotion you struggle to sit with) brings us answers of ways we look to escape.

Maybe it’s alcohol, weed, porn, junk food, distraction, mindlessly scrolling, gambling, seeking validation or other addictive behaviours. We unconsciously move to the things that give us a temporary escape from the discomfort or pain, only masking it in the short term with hangovers of shame and regret that follow. We auto-pilot to things that bring us further away from ourselves...

But what if those ‘negative’ emotions weren’t in the way, but on the way, serving as feedback to bring us back to ourselves.

What if loneliness was a chance to reflect on where we’ve become disconnected from ourselves?

What if anxiety or overwhelm were a chance to reflect on where we need to slow down?

What if anger was a chance to be honest about the boundaries we need to put in place, hard conversations we need to have or things we need to say no to in the future?

What if sadness was a simple signal that I'm out of alignment in life and not making enough time for things I enjoy?

And so back to the question of where do you go when you’re lonely? 

It's still something I'm working on. Years of seeing it as something 'wrong' have conditioned me to look to quickly escape, sedate or suppress...

I often, on auto-pilot go for the quick fix and try bypass the emotion.

But when I slow things down, breath, acknowledge and accept how I'm feeling and ask "what is loneliness here to teach me that can help me?" I get some pretty clear guidance and come to see these 'negative' emotions as an amazing gift guiding me back to myself.

I quickly see where I've fallen out of alignment, away from my core values and away from the people and activities I care about the most.

You can read all the personal development books or take all the courses in the world, but ignoring your emotions and trying to shut down anything you deem 'negative' is a guaranteed recipe for failure.

There's gold in the muck, you've just got to be willing to sit in it for a bit sometimes!