Where Best Intentions Leave Students Feeling Isolated (and Shame)

Students who suffer from shame may be left to their own devices. There are times when manifestations and behaviors indicate that a student is struggling with shame, but other times it goes unnoticed. In such a case, whether it be because a student doesn’t trust a teacher, is not ready to be vulnerable, or perhaps is so frozen in fear they don’t communicate. A lot of times it’s because of interactions that are of the best intentions, but can be a bit “tone-deaf.”

In such instances, shame can be compounded even by our best intentions. The trend of a growth mindset was one of these cases. Twitter exploded at one point in life talking about Growth mindset and how kids needed to have a growth mindset. I’d see pictures and inspirational sayings on walls as if a student could adopt or switch to a growth mindset automatically.

I’m always one to anger people by saying, “It’s not that easy.” Just because a cliché is on X (Twitter) or it was a trend, doesn’t mean a student is any more ready to take on a growth mindset as they realize they have a fixed mindset. Telling a student to “have a growth mindset” is more likely to drive them into the darker recesses of shame. Telling is essentially ignoring meaning shame emerges because they are not being recognized for what they are struggling with. Moreover, firing cliches at students is analogous to keeping them at arm’s length begging the question, who needs the growth mindset?

Other potentially damaging clichés are “you’ll figure out” or “show grit.”? As I always say, “Don’t you think if I could, I would have done it already?” The fact remains, that such cliches “tell” a student what to do. They are not invitations that strengthen the teacher/student relationship or foster an interpersonal bridge. What these clichés tell children, or what they internalize, is they aren’t capable of not measuring up to their peers.? Shame thrives by ignoring or indifference to the reader’s true feelings. We cannot show or demonstrate compassion until we recognize shame in the reader and are willing to dive in deep with them to carve out a path to resiliency.

The truth is many educators do not believe shame exists in school anymore. No, shame doesn’t exist in the ways of dunce caps and humiliating students in front of their friends. Shame exists more covertly, as students internalize and process external stimuli alone and in isolation, as they compare, compete, and figure out their place in the classroom.

Color-coded clip charts, which I once had to employ, to comply with a mandate, were probably the most apparent promotion of shame in the classroom I’ve ever engaged in.? But data walls in settings where students learn offered an opportunity for students to learn how to compare themselves to others changed the perception of readers who wanted to learn to read, ignorant to the idea that others could be or do better (Remember, a child is the center of their universe. Shame is not experienced without comparison to others and a child falls from their state of grace, if you will, once they are introduced to the classroom).

Another way shame impacts maturing readers is through RtI and pull-out interventions. During the primary years, pull-out services aren’t so much an issue. We all know that students love to get pulled out to visit the special teacher and work in smaller groups. That changes at the onset of the intermediate years for a few reasons.

From time to time, there is a different dynamic. Students just flat-out say, “I’m bad at reading.” By throwing this out there, students believe they can deflect the pain they feel and admit defeat before they even begin because based on past experiences, they know what’s going to happen.? This is indeed a shame, even if the reader is perfectly ok with where they are at.? In all honestly, what choice do these students have? It’s not like they can avoid or abstain from oral readings. Perhaps they can ignore assignments, but again, what choice do they have other than to live in their shame unless they are willing to open up to that one trusted adult to lead them out? As we know, when students hit the breaking point because they must partake, anger and rage come out as “I Hate reading!!”? Anything to disguise the pain of shame or to be noticed for their deficiency, thus dealing with negative self-concept alone.

To overcome such challenges, we have to be authentic with our students. We’ve all experienced shame. For some, it pushed them to succeed and to become the best at what they do. For others of us, we have been destroyed. We want the former for our students.? Since we have likely faced shame, perhaps because we were that “low” reader, or the reader who was ignored because the teacher seemed to have preferred “better” readers, we have an opportunity to connect with our students. To share our experiences related to shame and reading is an expression of empathy, to provide students with hope that there is a way out if they follow our lead – because it worked for us. It’s hard enough, paraphrasing Helen Block-Lewis (1990) that people deny they are in a state of shame because they are ashamed of being ashamed. Students may deny their crushing emotions because they are ashamed of their struggles, their perceived inabilities, and the fatigue of figuring things out alone; they don’t want to feel weak or inferior to their peers and for us to know it or see them differently. It’s beyond painful to admit the shame you’re feeling (vulnerability) and to trust that someone, that being the teacher who engages in mutuality of response leads readers to the competence and confidence they desire to be known for.?

To conclude, many factors lead to a student’s sense of shame or shame-bound self-concept. As forces from the outside, be it cliches or institutionalized practices, the outside forces bombard the readers as they try to figure out what to do, how to do it, and who they are. In other words, many forces are informing students and very few of those take into account what the student thinks or feels (Do students really have the choice to abstain from RtI, as an example?) leaving them subject to shame and deal with the pressures, confusions, and deficiencies alone.? It’s up to us to connect with them. To be in those moments with them. To reveal to them there is a path to success, identity, and confidence; to be seen as students wish to be seen. When we connect without our readers around shame empathy becomes a pathway to resilience, but only after space has been created to do so, the relationship is built on trust, that students believe they will not struggle anymore because of our guidance.