When You're The Only One

It's easy to feel overwhelmed when you're the only one taking care of your parents. Whether you're the only child, or your siblings can't (or won't) help, the load lands on your shoulders. It's all too easy to be overwhelmed and lost. What are you going to do?

Where I Started

When my sister got married - and all the other siblings were already living their own lives - I took care of my parents...by default. While I didn't step into a full-time caregiver role, I was the full-time facilitator at first.

It didn't seem like a lot at first, both parents were still quite independent and autonomous. I facilitated house cleaning and meals. However, as time passed, my dad's health began to fail. After suffering over three decades with a TBI and the aftermath of headaches, tinnitus, and back pain, he suffered strokes which complicated his life. Vertigo interrupted his life immensely. Seizures infringed on his independence. His brain couldn't handle a lot of stimulation, so activities needed to spaced apart with rest time in between.

My Schedule

Being the only available adult-child, I shouldered the responsibility of facilitation, day and night. It was difficult from the beginning. Since I am not a night owl kind of individual, the lack of sleep during the night negatively affected my attitude and facilitating performance.

My sister did what she could to help; she took two nights and two 6-hour day portions to alleviate the overwhelming situation I faced. However, the time soon was eaten up with other duties instead of the much needed me-time.

I also found that I struggled to focus and complete any simple tasks because I was so far behind with the household chores, I constantly tried to keep up with it in my off-time. At night, I couldn't sleep because I was already in a pattern of waking up on an hourly basis. Plus I faced the temptation of staying up late with a time pocket of no interruptions.

Burning the Candle at Both Ends

It would only be a matter of time before I was burned out, but not able to recuperate. To compensate, I would shave off more personal goals and pursuits and become "content" with the new schedule. Slowly, I was losing myself, my motivation, and my enthusiasm for anything.

I longed for time to myself, but when it came, I wasted it, always preparing but never pursuing, dreaming but never doing, reading but never running towards the goal. I enjoyed the quiet and toyed with the idea of the hermit life, never being bothered by anyone or anything. However, the time would soon end and I'd be back in the rat race of daily tasks, meal preparations, and constant supervision of my dad.

Finding Relief

I found tiny moments of encouragement when I scrolled the LinkedIn Feed. Posters, any positive encouragement would ignite a tiny flame of hope. It would dwindle, eventually, and I would return to find more.

It wasn't long before I remembered that one of my connections was also once a caregiver. She provided some encouragement for me and in a matter of time, I was able to connect with Loren Gelberg-Goff, LCSW, CHt and learn how to deal with different situations.

Relief washed over me when I finally took the step to watch her videos, listen to her wisdom and learn from her lessons. I finally grasped that I didn't have to go on this ways.

Lessons I Learned

One of my major mistakes was thinking I could handle everything on my own. What I didn't take into account were the unforseeable circumstances that change our lives. None of us are meant to take on huge responsibilities on our own. We are built to be interdependent, work as a team towards a common goal. When there is a team involved, then the unseen burdens are shared. When I was alone, I shouldered everything and it buried me, emotionally.

I learned to speak up and set my boundaries. I learned to ask for help. I learned to share my fears and expectations. And I learned that I didn't have to do it all by myself.

Others came to help. They relieved me, whether they called on the phone or came to visit. It gave me an opportunity to relax instead of trying to catch up with the never-ending chores.

I also learned that I was never really handling them alone. When my dad's failing health required professional help (hospital), my sister and brother-in-law stepped in and took him there. My mom stayed with him and I had a small reprieve.

Things to Watch Out for

It's easy to think you can take it all on or that life will continue as it always has. Or maybe you do realize that you are in for a major change in your life. You are not alone in this. While you may not have other siblings (or available siblings), there are family friends that may be willing to give a helping hand here and there. Sometimes a phone call is helpful if a visit is not available.

Be careful of trying to "go it alone." Look for online caregiving groups that will help you stay focused on the positive side. It is very easy to get down on yourself and feel that you don't measure up. Performance or perfectionism can hinder us a lot when we apply it to taking care of our parents.

Set your boundaries with yourself. Commit to yourself that you will not give up your free time in exchange for catching up on household chores. You need the time to recharge. It takes a lot of energy to facilitate care for someone else. It is too easy to burn out as you try to be there for them all the time.

Allow your parents some independent quiet time. If you make yourself available all the time, they are more likely to usurp the time and then demand it. They may not realize it and they may feel that they are entitled to it. Respectfully enforce that this is time set aside for them to do something independently. It may be a puzzle, coloring, reading, or just resting.