When You’re Knee Deep In An Argument, What If You Realize – Wait, I Think We’re Both Right!

Imagine every coworker you’ve ever had an issue with, no matter how petty – now imagine they’re your sister, or your father, or your child. That’s the nature of going into business with your family. Last week I spoke with Cathy Carroll, president and founder of Legacy Onward, a leadership coaching firm dedicated to growing family businesses. You’d think that Cathy’s business is in figuring out who’s right in an argument and sticking with that course of action, but no – to hear her say it, often you’re looking at a situation where you’re arguing two truths.

“When you're making a decision using the family mindset, you get a clear right answer,” Cathy said on a recent episode of Disrupt Yourself. “And when you make a decision using the business mindset, you get a clear right answer, but it's different. And so when you're in a family business, you've got these two right answers that are in constant competition with each other. And polarity thinking, which is the crux of [Hug of War], is about how to actually integrate these two right answers to get a good path forward for your family.”

According to Cathy, the answer to generational loggerheads is a synthesis of the two perspectives, rather than setting one down and elevating the other. Instead of swinging the pendulum from one polarity to the other, giving yourself and your family whiplash in the process, Cathy advocates in her new book “Hug of War" for this middle path.

For example, she outlined a current client’s crisis, where the youngest of four in a family business isn’t shouldering their share of the burden, and isn’t succeeding professionally – but still, the youngest is the youngest, so they’re doted upon with all the financial perks of the family business without the effort. “Livid,” was how Cathy described the other three kids. There’s a clear polarity here between ‘I want to show you that financial success doesn’t change how I see you as my child’ and ‘listen up pal, your job is on the line because your performance is lacking.’

So what does synthesis look like?

“Right now, they're delineating between the benefits of being a family employee and the benefits of being a family member. If you're a member of the family, you get to join the family vacation in Florida every spring. If you're a member of the [business], you participate in ownership distributions. So this youngest son will retain the benefits of being a family member, and not get the benefits of being a family employee.”

But it’s important to remember that often, we’re caught in a web of polarities, pulled in all cardinal directions instead of a direct tug of war. We can’t lose sight of a person’s often-hidden internal world when we’re trying to pull together the external threads for the good of the business.

“What's so interesting about this young son is, he's managing a completely different polarity that I think is worth mentioning. It's this desire to be both completely autonomous and have your freedom, and also belong. And he's terrified of leaving the business because if he leaves the business, he's not going to belong in the family anymore.” By separating the two benefits, the family synthesizes the two truths – saying, ‘we love you, and that’s never going to change, but maybe this line of work isn’t for you.’ Inner conflict between our own polarities has a way of leaving fingerprints on how we approach the outside world. The first step to accepting that an argument can have two right answers is a little dose of compassion, a willingness to walk that mile in their shoes.

Is there a problem you’re facing at work that seems irreconcilable – and if so, could it be the result of polarities? Breathe, notice – in what directions do you feel prodded and pulled?

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