When You’re In A Hole!,,,,,,

Hold the front page! Apologies to everyone waiting for my automotive manufacturers’ parody article this week, because having just spent a little over 20 minutes watching the video made by Car Dealer Magazine with the Retail Director of Cinch; well I’m sorry, but this could keep me going for weeks.

Why? Well as a lesson in how you can only launch a business once, and just how easy it is to royally screw yourself and your business model if you get the messaging wrong, (or too honest or emboldened as the case may be here), well in all my years I have rarely seen anything to parallel this any form of business, and never in the automotive sector.

As I sat there open mouthed I genuinely didn’t know whether to laugh, be incredulous or to feel sorry for the Retail Director being wheeled out in full Sacrificial Lambs outfit; on balance I think John Major looked more comfortable discussing his relationship with Edwina Curry. And I never thought I would see the moment that Matt Hancock’s handling of Cornavirus looked competent by comparison, but holy sh#t! He sends his regards BTW!

In fact to get close to this public relations disaster with your customers, I can only think of Gerald Ratner’s speech to the institute of Directors in 1991, so famous now that “Doing A Ratner” has entered the annals of business speak, and for all the most unflattering of reasons!

Now I haven’t got time to tell you all the history surrounding this incident, those interested can Google the subject and find out all about it, (and I would recommend that the board at BCA do this), but what I will say is that I have met Gerald Ratner, albeit very briefly, when he was the main speaker at a conference held by a franchisor I had a commercial stake in.

Getting Mr Ratner to speak to their franchise network was a stroke of genius because Mr Ratner is a fascinating man who has been on a bit of journey, and one who has found a way to learn from a chastening experience, all of his own making, and find commercial success again. Now if there is one person I can say that the Directors of Cinch should call right now and after recent events, it would have be Gerald Ratner; and I got to thinking just how the conversation might go?

Now! For all you overly sensitive people, this is a little bit fun and total conjecture; of course I am not saying that the conversation will ever take place, but if it did? Well, as much as the good ship Up F#ck has already sailed, I will assume that Gerald is aware of all that has happened and this is my take on how the conversation may go!

Cinch; Hi, is that Mr Ratner?

Mr Ratner; Yes it is, who’s speaking?

Cinch; It’s the board of Cinch here and we are calling because we are a little worried; our franchise dealer customers are really p#ssed off with us and suspicious of our intentions, and we can’t seem to say or do anything right at the moment, in terms of putting their minds at rest. We’ve even put a grovelling explanation out in the form of an interview by Car Dealer Magazine, but it just seems to be making it worse. Can we ask your advice?

Mr Ratner; Well I would be delighted to help but having seen the apology/reassurance video and read the associated article I’m not sure I can help Guys; the proverbial cat really does appear to be out of the bag!

Cinch; Really? Why do you think it went so badly?

Mr Ratner; Are you really asking me this? C’mon guys have you seen the video or read the associated article? Let me tell you a little bit about these sacrificial lamb statements, those that are designed to rebuild the bridges that you have just blown up. Try to look contrite, not uncomfortable, answer the bloody questions and don’t get all punchy and start flexing your muscles. Oh and don’t use sayings like “Seed the Business” either, you’re not Bobby Axelrod from Billions!

Cinch; Well really? If you’re going to be like that?

Mr Ratner; Listen Guys, I know it’s been a bad week but don’t get prickly and shoot the messenger! I know how you feel but as an example of what I’m saying that nice chap, James Baggott, asked you to name the sources of supply for your own used car stock on the website? You didn’t answer the question! So now those who are suspicious of your intentions have had those suspicions validated! But hey, don’t let me take over, tell me what was said in the article and the video, and I’ll give you independent perception on how this is likely to have been received.

Mr Ratner; Well, in the article we explained “that dealers should see the Cinch proposition as effectively an ‘Amazon warehouse’ for its cars.”

Mr Ratner; Holy Shit! So now you’re Jeff Bezos and all that that entails?

Cinch; No! No! We reassured them that; “Once they have bought the cars from a BCA auction they can list them immediately on the Cinch platform, sell them via the platform and then have that sale fulfilled by the company.”

Mr Ratner; What? Why would they want to do that, this is what their business is meant to be doing?

Cinch; But they can’t! Really Mr Ratner you really need to watch the video; then you would realise that they need us because we are the only people offering an e-commerce solution, without subscription and with logistics in a box, do please keep up!

Mr Ratner; What the f#ck! Are you really telling me that franchised dealers don’t have access to a digital website based solution via their parent manufacturers, plus access to a transporter with a driver? And don’t peddle this “No Subscription” b#llocks either, you’re charging them a fee to purchase the car and then ￡600 to sell the car; of course there’s no subscription they’re already paying over a ￡1,000:00 per car!

Cinch; Yes but as we pointed out; “cars sold on the platform that are owned by dealers will be completely facilitated by Cinch – it offers a full end-to-end sales solution and those customer details are not shared with the dealer.”  We even clarified this by confirming that;

‘It’s important that this happens as the customer is buying from us!”

Mr Ratner; (Incredulous at this point!), OK!,,,,, So let me get this straight; you expect a franchised dealer to pay you to purchase a car, then pay to fund the car whilst it’s in “Your” stock, then pay you ￡600 to sell and deliver the car, then get no customer details. Well what this looks like is this; franchise dealer networks funding the next stage of your growth into a retailer of used cars and facilitating their own demise! I’m not sure this can be “Fluffed Up” Guys!

Cinch; Now, now Mr Ratner, you are as suspicious as all those silly little franchise dealers; all we have done is to “disturb the status quo and I make no apologies for that because I think to be successful in any new business venture you’ve got to find your niche – our view is we will exploit that niche with our dealer partners.”

Mr Ratner; Jesus Christ Guys!,,,, I’m not sure that an old fashioned flexing of the muscles “Take It Or Leave It,” we’re going to park our tanks on your front lawn, style of statement will have placated or reassured anyone, and it didn’t look like that nice Mr Baggott was buying it either! Neither am I and listen I’m an old style jewellery trader and I know smoke and mirrors when I see it, and listen I love it!

In reality I bet the leasing companies came in and said listen, a “Sh#t Storm” is coming to the used car market, we’re upside down on RV’s and we need you to start retailing our cars, either you can do it or we’ll do it ourselves.

So why don’t you prep them, (after all we have already charged the customer for this), and try to sell them for us when we can divvy up the profit! If the car doesn’t sell we’ll just put it through the auction and let the dealers have it.

Oh and whilst you’re at it you can throw in a load of the stock that comes direct via We Buy Any Car onto the site as well; after all, who will know?

At which point you may have said look, we’re not sure, this will rock the boat with sources of supply from franchise dealers; but no! It looks like good old fashioned greed got in the way! Combine that with a message and launch proposition that even your Retail Director admitted takes at least 45 minutes to walk through to find any benefits, even if there aren’t any to be found, and hey presto! You are a retailer of used cars in direct competition with half your customers!

Cinch; Well this really isn’t very helpful Mr Ratner!

Mr Ratner; Well, what can I say Guys? Sometimes you’ve just got to accept that if it looks like a Duck? Etc, etc, etc!

Bye for now!