When your patience wears thin..

Sigh, It happens to us all!

That small thing that breaks the camel’s back, and depending on how we handle it, we can appear decidedly cray, cray!

I decided to be vulnerable here (maybe it’s the strange phenomenon of the heat that’s finally arrived in our British summer) so I’m sharing what some of my 'straws' tend to be and how I handle them.

I’m all for unconditional love and tolerance,

But…

I’m human!

So of course there are going to be things that try my patience. Surprise, Surprise. NOT!

Here are 3 of mine and I’d love to hear yours.?

• Passive aggression.

I can meet aggression head on and coax someone who uses passive behaviour, but passive aggressive gets my goat. Thanks to an article by my good friend and mentor Prof. Lynda Holt, I also now know this is a sign of Covert Incivility.

This includes eye rolling or dirty looks when people are talking, doing other things during meetings, gossiping or spreading rumours, invalidating people or their contributions, and emotional manipulation.

I mean, when you put it like that, who wouldn’t get wound up by it?

I think what makes it so challenging is that when called out, the response is usually “I was only joking – lighten up”. This is because passive aggressive behaviour, or indirect aggression as it is sometimes known, is typically shown by people who don’t feel brave or safe enough to be assertive.

So, they struggle to take responsibility for their behaviour and face the consequences.?

• Lack of communication.

Ironically, I find this more irritating than poor communication.

At least we’re still in the process if the communication is poor so there is a chance to improve it. With a lack, it’s like things fall into a black hole and no amount of prompting, initiating or shining lights into the depths results in a response.

I know that there are some introverts who say they can’t make a phone call. In most instances, this is they won’t unless they have telephobia, a fear of reluctance or fear of making or taking phone calls, and a recognised phobia.

Apparently, telephobia affects up to 76% of millennials and 40% of baby boomers, so whilst we need to take it seriously, like any other phobia, there are solutions. We are continually being told that customer experience is everything, so why would we choose not to communicate?

And oh, for those who say

‘I didn’t have time’

Be honest and accept that you chose to deprioritise communicating. How does that feel now???

• Inability to disagree productively.

This seems to be endemic in business and society right now.

Too many have lost the art of listening to understand, of debate, and of negotiating for a win-win outcome. Playground behaviour, as demonstrated in our very own parliament, is revered it seems.

What really are we teaching our young people by this behaviour? Another urgh!!!!

It seems the taking of positions and gathering your squad around you is preferable to campfire type explorations where we might find out something new or even change our minds. I’ve always loved this quote by Churchill “Kites rise highest against the wind, not with it”.

This is about choosing not to resent challenges or opposition, but instead exploring our differences intelligently.

We as introverts would feel so much more supported if people chose to explore our differences rather than judge us.

And, at the end of the day, we need to protect our own authentic energy.

How to handle yourself when that final straw lands

Firstly, I’ve realised that I hold close those things that try my patience to ensure that I don’t exhibit those behaviours myself. It’s often said that the things that wind us up are the shadow side of ourselves!

With that in mind …

• I choose to assert myself, so I stand up for my rights and needs, whilst respecting the rights and needs of others. This is how I can stand in my power authentically as an introvert and I create space for the other person.
• I keep the lines of communication open, letting people know if I’m taking time out to think or reflect rather than just going silent. I’m not a submarine on silent running waiting to attack or staying out of the way. Taking time is part of my communication process as an introvert.
• I highlight the differences or challenges as I see them and invite exploration so we all understand. Assumptions and positions are a dangerous thing, and disagreements can be healthy when we take an adult-to-adult approach.?
• I let people know if I disagree, not in a ‘I’m right, you’re wrong’ kind of way, but so I’m not hiding or masking my thoughts and feelings. I own my thoughts and opinions and language really matters here. This can be as simple as starting with "I disagree.." or "That's not how I see it.." rather than "You're wrong".?
• I allow myself to feel all of my feelings, I own them as mine as opposed to claiming someone has ‘made me feel’ something. And if possible, I express them in a productive way because owning and expressing emotions is healthy. We’re all human after all and behaviour breeds behaviour, so if I am prepared to be vulnerable, so may the other person
• I am on guard for my people pleasing tendencies because I know that this can be destructive for us all in the long run. I'm a recovering perfectionist and people pleaser - a challenging combination and in the past, my introversion would have me play small and behave from these attitudes. Not anymore.
• Most of all, I check that the ‘final straw’ has not tripped me into being judgemental. We all are to some degree, but if I focus on behaviour and stay in the conversation with positive expectations for us all, we’re more likely to discover new ways of understanding each other.

This way of handling can be tough and it will sometimes raise my anxiety levels,

Oh but..

It is well worth the intentional effort.

And..,

If all of this feels a bit too much of a stretch for you, if you worry what people may think or don't trust yourself to explore openly when challenged, I've just got the right self-paced short-course for you aptly called, Flip Your Limiting Beliefs.

Now, how do we teach politicians and world leaders this stuff?

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