When your nature is to nurture!

A mate is an instinctual, biological social need. We have labeled it love and placed unreasonable burdens on this relationship. As long as we stayed true to nature, it was easier to manage the relationship. Then we formed societies and norms. The mate became a way to fulfil social needs and not the authentic biological one.

Our emotions became reflections of what society expected of us. Our mates had to fit into our versions of social norms. Since a long time now, mating, or marriage as it is commonly called, served all our needs - biological, social, financial, emotional and even spiritual. Then our standards of normality started changing, they changed faster than we could keep track. Social media started meddling, and our expectations from our mates moved from authentic to inauthentic.

This is probably the first time in the history of humankind, that there are so many versions of married life - monogamous, polygamous, single, divorced, blended, gender diverse, gender neutral and so on. And then there are the various non-marriage based relationships in an equally large variety. Some that shock us and some plain boring.

One thing that's changed hugely, is the woman's understanding of a partner. No longer is the partner needed to fulfil the woman, she can be fulfilled quite on her own with her girl gang or her cats or her yoga. Having a man has become an option and that is incredibly liberating. Yet, as long as women deny the human need for companionship and an anchor, she feels incomplete. And somewhere at the back of their minds, a small patriarchal voice disses them when they choose singlehood over routine, random relationships.

In my practice I meet a host of wonderfully empowered, accomplished women in the 35 - 55 age group. As they pour out their professional challenges, so often we identify a deep sense of incompetence, non-accomplishment and inadequacy. Dig through the layers of self-doubt, self-judgment and then you hear it - that quiet patriarchal voice that never lets you feel like you are ever enough.

Is there some truth to it? Have we forgotten that although we can be fulfilled on our own, the presence of a mate makes the journey so much more. A human constant, when non-toxic and healthy, only allows us to flourish some more. There's plenty of research confirming that. The fight is figuring out how much are you willing to accommodate to fill this human need, and what are you not willing to lose. If we start being honest with ourselves, women won't have to make this an identity crisis, and they won't have to be apologetic about wanting a partner more than their career. Somewhere, while fighting for our rights, and storming traditional male bastions, we forgot that our nature is to nurture - humans, more than anyone or anything else.