When Your Leaders Are Wrong

I’m sitting in a conversation with my leaders, and what I’m most present to is their blindspots.

They’re inviting me to take a look at how I’m showing up, but I can’t really hear them.

It feels like being in a relationship with someone who constantly walks away from the conversation, complaining about how I’m unwilling to stay in the conversation with them.

I listen for a while, but I can’t keep taking it, so I interrupt.

I tell them how this is all fine and good, but that they’re not actually taking a look on their side. They’re pointing to my unwillingness to look, but they’re unwilling.

Seems hypocritical.

I’m frustrated.

I’m right.

I’ve been stewing in this for a while. I’ve thought about it, had arguments out loud in my house about this. I’ve built a case.

So I bring it to them. I share this with them.

And instead of arguing, they listen.

I share more, and they listen more. I’m waiting for them to point, once again, to my side of the fence, but instead, they just get me.

As I share, they apologize for the way I’m left, and slowly, I feel myself soften.

Little by little, I release my hold on what I’m right about.

Eventually, it feels like there isn’t too much more to say, and then they check to see if there’s anything more. When I tell them no, they thank me for bringing this to them.

Once we’re done, they ask if I’d like a different experience.

They share with me that there’s nothing wrong with how things are going. It’s okay for me to show up this way, it’s okay for this to be my experience.

“Of course, things can continue going this way, and that’s okay. We’ll stay in this conversation as long as you need us to. But there’s a place which we can’t get to from here. If you’d like, we can point to that, but only if you want it.”

I warily nod my head and tell them I’d like that.

They ask me if I notice that this is a familiar space that I’m in — frustrated that other people aren’t showing up the way I need them to, and caught in a loop of righteousness.

“Yes… sure”, I share.

They celebrate me for acknowledging this, and ask me to take a look and see how I might be creating this.

I’m defensive again. I go back to sharing how what I shared is really something they’re doing.

And they accept it again.

“Yes. And it seems like this might always be the case — you can always see what’s happening on the other side of things. Is that correct?”

I nod again.

“So look. We don’t need things to be different here. We’re just holding space for what’s next in your leadership. If you’re content with how things are going, then great, there’s nothing more to do. But if you want to step further into your leadership, this is the thing that’s in the way.”

I sit quietly, waiting for them to say more.

“If you’re always looking for what other people are doing wrong, you might consider that that’s going to be the experience you have. What we notice is that your tendency is to look to what others are doing that is causing you upset, rather than looking at how you’re creating that upset for yourself.”

I can feel my defensiveness rising up again, but I practise setting it aside so I can hear them.

“We will always take responsibility if you need us to. But there’s a point in leadership where you have to set that down, and practice letting other people off the hook, so that you can be 100% responsible. What we see is that your tendency to insist that other people do the same is in the way.”

—

I’ve been in this conversation time and time again, and I’ve supported many others in this conversation.

The challenge to stepping deeper into our leadership is that each time there is a new breakthrough to be created, we will insist that other people should be doing the very thing that is there for us to take on.

Our fear will create good, valid reasons why we shouldn’t do that. We can really see what our leaders aren’t doing. We’re really right that they do or don’t do this thing that we think is in the way.

This might even sound like gaslighting — instead of taking responsibility themselves, they are once again inviting you to do so.

The only difference here is whether or not you are going to trust these people to develop your leadership.

Either they are, in which case, you might have to set aside what you’re right about, so you can discover what you don’t yet know.

Or, they aren’t the leaders for you, and it’s time to move on.

There’s no right answer. But everyone eventually comes to this place.

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