When Your Higher-Self Starts Talking To You: Power & Rage as I Come Online as an Artist.

Rage.

That's all I can say I felt today - and it's strange because I've been having such a great month, finally breaking through years of stuckness, and what I would essentially call a 7-year-hiatus from being an artist.

From owning it, fully.

When I was 19 years old, I had a bleach blonde mohawk and shaved sides of my head.

I would waltz around UW-Madison campus with my custom made rainbow colored skater Adidas, teased up fro, whatever flashy pink or purple pleather jacket and clunky jewelry I pulled out of Goodwill that week, ready to take the world by storm.

I had no shame being a loud, flamboyant, colorful person.

My days consisted of me barely making it to class, always strategizing what the absolute bare minimum was I needed to do that day to simply pass, so I could go party.

I was a painter, and I went to art school to get my BFA. Needless to say... art school is where artists go to die.

I never painted since.

I did however - develop love for another craft there,

music.

My nights consisted of being one of the only token white girls at minority-dominant parties (which weren't many, in Madison), where I'd drink rum until I felt fabulous enough to freestyle, and often ended up in a rap battle in front of a drunk crowd of students.

The pull and the call to go outside the familiar, rebel from the ordinary, and refrain from the obvious, was a natural tendency I had all my life.

Despite all the challenges as a small child I faced with my singing, and musical aspirations... when I dropped out of college at age 20, something in me still mustered up the courage to go for it, like all in, with my music.

I moved back to Milwaukee and started recording as much as I could. Sourcing beats from anywhere I could find, and clinging to anyone with a home studio who'd let me record, no matter how absolutely grunge they might be.

I hung out in some pretty rough places just trying to get my music off the ground, and find people who'd accept this fully-expressed, raw version of me.

Many did.

& no-

these supporters are sadly NOT likely to be from our hometown, and especially not from our own family.

I got a waitressing job at the best steakhouse in town which was obv not the dream, but more than enough to pay for my $590/month studio apartment at the time, and have enough leftover for costumes, studio time, liquor, and play.

My life was an endless dance of feminine, chaotic energy. Bouncing from one shiney object to the other, formally introducing myself as "Shay" (my previous name was always Shannon) and letting everyone I met know, loud & proud:

I am an artist.

I had absolutely no shame in it, even when often times my local performances, and low-quality tracks, were actually shameful.

Whatever... I was trying. And I knew I didn't have to be perfect, I just had to get the reps in and keep on doing what I loved. The money and the fame would find me.

Then, just before my 23rd birthday, everything changed.

Heaven knew I wasn't quite done with the baggage left behind from my childhood bullying wounds for being a performer, and I was about to manifest the mother of all toxic relationships. A man I'd only assume now, w/ a spiritual perspective, was my twin flame...

and was one hell of a brainwashing machine.

Ironically, I hired this man to shoot a music video for me. That's how we met - he was also an artist. One I now realize, had deep shame and cognitive dissonance about his craft, with absolutely zero tolerance for his feminine side. And really, for any feminine energy in general.

Including mine.

The burn was slow. It started out like any narcissistic relationship. Love bombing, supporting my dream of music, taking me out dancing, to parties, to hang with friends he knew I'd have fun with...

I was obsessed with this man and would have slept under a bridge with him. He could lecture to me for hours about his philosophy and "how to life", and I'd just sit there with puppy eyes, asking "how high?"

I went vegan for him.

Quit my job for him.

Moved in with him.

and eventually...

gave up music,

for him.

His way of slowly starting to introduce the idea to me that what I was doing with music was irresponsible, foolish, and I should pivot to something more practical instead so that I can come back to music later... with a more well rounded life...

was too smooth.

But ironically, this has proven to be true. Still, I can't really say that was ever his true intention for me.

I think he wanted to kill the artist in me, hijack my energy, and use it for his own dream. And he most certainly did NOT want me to abandon him, so why on earth would he empower me to continue achieving my dream on my own?

Far too dangerous for his fragile inner child.

The artist in me, so free and so willing to make a fool of myself, and put myself out there...

triggered the artist in him, that happy-go-lucky... "let's just be free and not overthink things!" he couldn't tolerate for even a moment.

I caught him around the time he was pivoting his video business to an online model, getting rid of filming equipment, to only supply video editing to blogs on social media, and grow a big digital marketing company.

This is actually where I learned all my skills.

So I gave up waitressing, music, friends, family even (that worked out in my favor too, ha), to go all in as this man's little helper. At his beck-and-call night-and-day, learning and executing on whatever he needed, to grow his online marketing business.

I will save the whole novel for a book I write one day, but in short?

Incredibly codependent, toxic, and unhealthy relationship.

I'm sure you know the kind.

Oh don't get me wrong - we went on to make millions together. We actually were quite the duo in digital marketing. Especially to be so young and so broken, transforming the way people did video editing on Facebook back then... we had some really huge wins.

But it was incredibly imbalanced.

The foundation was built on thin paper.

I became an extension of him, a 2nd rate version of him. Or, the "him" he was trying to project to the world at that time.

The years went by...

and the artist inside me died completely.

I can't remember the exact moment the belief of "well this is just temporary, it's an investment into my skills and finances... and I'm gonna go back to music soon!" left my psyche completely. But it was surely gone within a few years, probably the first. Buried so deep I forgot what it even felt like to believe in my own dream.

Then, a few more years down the line, a funny little plot twist came into the mix to shake everything up.

I found LinkedIn.

Perfect! A shadow career I could make for myself. Where I still get to be a "business person" (which was all that he approved of), yet that artist in me began to peep out again... in the form of my own creative videos.

But I would never dare call myself that, an artist.

I didn't even like the term "Influencer".

"I'm a businesswoman! I'm a digital marketing person... yeah yeah, I'm in THAT club!"

Oh my GOSH - at this present moment writing this, my higher self is already eye-rolling and screaming at the thought of this.

Dare I admit I feel this on a blog I've built a whole business around it on, but:

FUCK THAT CLUB.

Omg fuckkkkk "digital marketers". I am soooo over this game. The masculine energy. The analytics. The online courses, how to sell, how to pitch... how to BLAH.

Basically how to manipulate people into buying shit you have to manipulate them into buying, because your soul deep down doesn't really like selling it and people sense that.

Manipulative tactics are the only other option.

People can sense when you're excited about what you sell, that's why they buy.

People didn't buy my program because I was excited about selling a digital marketing program,

they bought it because they were excited about ME and my energy I exuded through this magnetic video-blogging lifestyle.

That's what they wanted a piece of, and that's what I see now as the real reason I had any success in the first place.

I get it, I know marketing.

But I am no marketer...

sorry.

I have spent the past 3.5 years since the onset of this breakup (the exact same amount of time I was with this man, mind you) living out HIS dream of being a digital marketing guru,

even though he has been long gone.

For three.

and a half.

f*cking years.

I wasn't even sure what was wrong with me all these years. Why I couldn't break back into music. Why I felt I had to cling to this marketing image. Why I had to sell online courses, agency services, and consulting.

I KNEW it wasn't really me deep down - but I was so, so beaten down in that relationship, that this little artistic girl inside me buried herself, SO deeply... in an effort to never be brought to light again.

To never be broken down, hijacked, and taken advantage of again.

Ever.

I won't DARE show this light to the world again, not with what the world has done to it!

Shame on the world - screw it,

I will be a "marketer".

But as I said -

this is just a shadow career.

A way for me to express myself, be creative, let out my feminine through the way I make content... yet still hiding behind a masculine shell. A shell that has protected me from feeling the pain of falling into the trap I did with this man,

ever again.

And oh,

do so many artists go through this sob story, of having someone in business take advantage of their love for the dream, and using that "dream" as the dangling carrot, to go manipulate them into doing their own bidding.

It's quite common.

At the risk of sounding totally victimy, I'll just say it:

I was brainwashed.

I look back on this relationship now and have come to believe that is literally what I have been suffering from:

brainwashing.

Not like "oh my ex-boyfriend had a big influence on me..."

lol no like seriously-

BRAINWASHING.

you guys I have NOT been myself.

I am only now realizing, as I reconnect with God & Spirit, that my true self is once here again.

I hear my own voice in my head.

I see my own visions in my future.

I feel my own energy, my own drive... for what EYE really want.

My ex's voice, gone.

Would you believe that it took as long as I was with him, without him, to finally get his voice out of my head?

Damn.

I gotta shake my head and laugh.

That man had true talent, if only he could harness it for the light. At the very least, go be a cult leader somewhere!

He would crush.

But - here's the blessing in it all:

As mentioned, he wanted to be a digital marketing guru. A tech billionaire. A well respected entrepreneur and "manly man." Well, that was his shadow career dream, anyways- as I now believe he had a similar childhood I did, and really deep down was an artistic, sensitive man, and couldn't dare own it.

His Dad probably bullied him to shreds...

shame.

The blessing is,

in him having this shadow career vision for himself, and the insane motivation to actually build it?

He really did teach me so much about business!

He really was miles ahead of me in entrepreneurship at the time we met. You know, handling his own videographer business and all, and he really did a good thing convincing me to quit my job and work for him.

I learned the ropes of startup life.

Yo... I GRINDED!

I learned how to shoot, edit, conduct sales & business. Heck - I was managing a team of 40 in-house employees by age 24 w/ $500k of VC money.

For a girl in her early 20's that came from the streets of Madison, drunk rapping with a mohawk not too long before?

Not bad.

He left me with quite an experience, and some serious skills... and for that?

I am blessed.

No doubt when this man left me, I was suffering balls-deep in battered woman syndrome, and I did NOT think I could continue business all on my own.

My blog, and my creative video style, saved me.

It carried me.

I outsourced everything I possibly could in business and just dove into content, and sure enough...

the money came.

But I always felt like I'd be found out.

I could always hear his voice in the back of my head, telling me how stupid and pathetic I was at business.

Telling me how much people were judging me for not "doing it better."

For not making more money.

It was like a disease, I couldn't get his programming out of my head... and this was even years after we hadn't spoke anymore.

It's insane.

I have had 2 other relationships between that breakup and now, and I tell ya:

none of them hold a candle to the marks this man left on me.

Not even close.

Today, I am committed to single-hood like never before.

Not that "oh, yeahhh I'm not really looking for anything right now, I'm just focused on meeee..!" cutsie talk girls sometimes have, but can be easily shaken.

NO.

I dare you, lol.

I have finally rediscovered my creative energy again, my motivation to be an artist, and most importantly,

my BELIEF THAT I CAN be an artist!

For the first time, in 7 years... since the moment I first met this man.

Do you know how frustrating and lonely it is to be living as someone else, in a shadow career, crippled and terrified to come out...

for 7 years?

Not to mention all the people watching me, employed by me, leaning on me for support.

Depending on me & looking up to me, praising me even.

I'm honestly shocked I haven't embarrassed myself even more on here - though I do hope you have all enjoyed the show.

Artist Shay...

is back.

And I won't fail. I can't.

There's no way I even see that as possible now.

My higher self has finally reassessed my psyche.

Jesus found his way to my heart.

God and I have connected on a deeper level than ever before.

And my career?

I have every tool and experience I need to market myself, create my own business, and center it all around what I actually love to do most:

make art.

That sexually wounded, attention-seeking side of me that has distracted me away from the mission all my 20's... you know, secretly *hoping* that cute guy at the grocery store stops and talks to me. Directing sexual energy his way. *Just looking* at profiles online of men who I maybe had a fantasy about, just learning about what they're into, leaning into those thoughts, and letting my mind wonder off and consider the possibilities...

it all feels just about as amusing right now as putting on a LinkedIn webinar.

Bite me.

This isn't me - it has never been me.

And I'm pissed about it.

Or should I say,

my higher self, my soul, the angels and light beings who work through this body, who sent me down here to complete a mission, to be their vessel, their channel for deep, transformative artistic expression. Messages the world is needing so much right now...

will not fucking tolerate that shit anymore.

No way.

I have wasted enough fucking time.

I may sound angry right about now, and I am, but I promise you, my days as of late have been filled with nothing but gratitude and praise to the highest that I am finally, finally,

myself again.

That I'm finally free from that man's programming, that BS misery he sucked me into, that really was never even mine in the first place.

Thanks for the skills, Twin Flame.

I know it was never your intention to actually help me make it as an artist, but the funny thing is?

You led me down a path of business and marketing most artists never learn, beautifully positioning me at a unique advantage to my vulnerable, artistic counterparts.

Guaranteeing I cannot fail.

I'm sure somewhere out there in the cosmos, your soul is laughing with my soul, saying to me, "You're welcome Shay - we planned all of this, and I put you through this pain and misery to ensure by the time you hit your 30's, you could go all in on your art as a mother-fucking machine. Way too strong to be stopped, and way too wise to ever be led astray again... all in the name of love."

And you're right.

I love you.

I am so grateful for this experience. I really am.

But today?

I'm fucking angry.

And that artist in me - these higher beings who were blocked out of my field for the past 7 years, who've been SCREAMING to come through and express themselves again finally...

are pissed.

Anger fuels us. & that's exactly what I intend to do with mine.

I'll keep this feeling tucked away in my purse, just in case I might need it.

Just in case some other cute guy pops up into my field with a "bright idea" for me and my future.

I sincerely can't wait for him to try.

#Shayshine ??

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