When Your Feelings and Your Leadership Are At Odds

Hello, LinkedIn! Welcome back to A Moment To Think, a monthly newsletter with thought-provoking strategies, insights, and resources that will help you accelerate your professional and personal success.

If we’re meeting for the first time, welcome! You can learn more about me and the work I do by clicking here .

"Know thyself, for once we know ourselves, we may learn how to care for ourselves." -Socrates

Ponder this…

Being our authentic selves at work is more difficult than it sounds. There are unwritten rules about the emotions we’re expected to show at work, and they’re often so embedded in an organization’s social fabric that we barely notice them - most of the time. However, difficulties arise when there’s a conflict between how you feel and the emotions you’re expected to display.?

Given their visibility and the requirements of their role, leaders encounter this dilemma often. Consider these real examples from two recent clients (names changed for privacy). Jon, a senior legal leader, disagreed with his general counsel’s ways of working but was still expected to rally his team. Another, Dara, was expected to willingly transition her organization (one she had built and didn’t want to let go of) to another leader as part of a re-org. Finding the right balance in situations like these is not easy.

Disclosing what you really think and feel in these scenarios can be risky, a reality that is especially true for women and people of color . But suppressing your emotions is also costly. To manage these emotional demands, leaders often “surface act,” putting on a mask that belies their actual feelings. Yet the stress of surface acting makes leaders more prone to body aches , insomnia , burnout , and depression . The effort expended can also reduce self-control, increasing the chance that leaders lash out at work , causing an even bigger problem. The effects can spread throughout the team, affecting engagement levels, turnover, and the financial performance of an organization.

So, what can you do in these situations?? How can you walk this authenticity tightrope? Here are a few techniques to try the next time you find your true emotions — and the emotions you’re expected to display — in conflict:

Reappraise and refocus?

When you feel pressured to suppress your emotions, “deep acting” offers a healthier, more effective alternative to surface acting. This technique focuses on finding legitimate reasons to feel the expected feelings, so you don’t need to fake them. I’ll use Dara’s situation to show you how it works.?

Dara understood that she was expected to be enthusiastic and collaborative in handing over her organization to another leader, but deep down, she felt unvalued and upset. To manage this incongruity, Dara shifted her focus to the potential benefits of the situation: this transition would give her both a much-needed breather and the chance to do something new. This reappraisal of her situation allowed Dara to show up more authentically with the expected emotions.?

Deep acting isn’t always possible - it requires cognitive effort and takes time - but it’s worth it when you can do it. Deep actors report less fatigue, fewer feelings of inauthenticity, improved coworker trust, and advanced progress toward career goals compared to surface actors.

Remember what matters

Another deep-acting technique is to focus on the larger purpose of your work. Thinking about those who benefit from your work can be energizing, and reduce feelings of burnout. In Jon’s case, he learned via interviews I conducted with his stakeholders that his expressions of disdain and frustration were negatively impacting his team. Jon was prioritizing transparency, but he shifted his thoughts to his team’s needs. By remembering what mattered most, Jon moved from feeling like a fraud to feeling good about showing up for his team in the ways they needed.

To refocus, step back and reflect on what is most important. What impact does your work have on your team members, customers, or the broader community? Creating a positive outcome for people we care about can make our experience of displaying certain emotions less taxing and negative.

Do an emotional audit

From an early age, many of us get the message that certain emotions, like anger or sorrow, are not okay. However, emotions are natural and essential to our survival. Situations that cause us to experience internal dissonance are opportunities for personal learning and growth. Consider whether your discomfort arises from your beliefs about the validity of certain emotions. Ask yourself: What am I feeling? Where do I feel it in my body? What is causing me to feel that way? What does my reaction say about my beliefs or values?

Many leaders I coach are disconnected from their feelings and bodies, and unaware of how their inner landscape influences their actions. However, self-awareness and skilled emotion management are essential for effective leadership in today’s complex and challenging world. Auditing and reflecting on your emotions and the physical signals from your body builds your emotional intelligence, strengthening your capacity to perform emotional labor and lead effectively over time.?

Reconnect and replenish

To reduce the strain of emotional labor, seek support from people with whom you can share your unedited feelings.? That could be your partner, a therapist or coach, or trusted peers. Engaging in activities and hobbies that enable you to relax and recharge can also reduce the hidden stress. Finally, treat yourself with the same compassion you’d offer a friend in these circumstances. Self-compassion reduces your stress (without compromising your performance) and increases your capacity to show compassion to others.?

The emotional work you do as a leader is often a selfless act, allowing you to care for and positively impact others - even when you’re not feeling it. While this work may go unrecognized, it is more vital than ever in today’s workplace.? Try the above techniques to preserve your well-being, increase your efficacy, and ensure high performance over time.

Make sure you never miss an issue by clicking the "Subscribe" button in the upper right corner of the page. For more articles, tips, and insight, connect with me here!?

Check out my newest articles - Don't Wait for the Engagement Survey: Measure Employee Satisfaction Now (Newsweek), and 5 Tactics to Combat a Culture of False Urgency at Work (HBR) -? and click here to read more!

For more strategies and insights to help you shine at work, download my Top 8 Recommended Articles here!