When Your Ex Uses The Children As Messengers

Published on the Family Separation Hub on 9 October 2024

Navigating co-parenting dynamics post-divorce or separation can be challenging, especially when your ex-partner uses the children as messengers instead of communicating directly with you. Typical examples include asking the children to inform you that they have a new partner, informing the children of changes to visitation times instead of discussing it with you or expressing disagreement with your decisions to the children rather than directly with you. These situations not only place unnecessary emotional stress on the children but they can also lead to misunderstandings and conflicts. Here’s how to handle the situation, protect your kids from feeling caught in the middle, and maintain a healthier co-parenting relationship.

How To Handle Communication With Your Ex

1. Set Clear Boundaries: Communicate with your ex about the importance of direct communication. You can send a message like: “I believe it’s important for us to handle our communications directly to avoid putting unnecessary pressure on the kids. Let’s agree to discuss any issues or changes directly via phone, email, or a co-parenting app.”

2. Use Co-Parenting Tools: Utilise co-parenting apps like OurFamilyWizard or TalkingParents that are designed to facilitate communication between separated parents. These platforms provide a neutral ground for discussing schedules, expenses, and other important matters.

3. Stay Calm and Professional: When addressing the issue with your ex, remain calm and avoid accusations. Use “I” statements to express your concerns, such as: “I feel it’s important for us to communicate directly so our children don’t feel caught in the middle.”

Addressing The Issue With Your Children

Using children as messengers places them in an uncomfortable position. They might feel responsible for the conflict between their parents or experience anxiety and confusion. It’s essential to shield them from such situations to foster their emotional well-being. Here are some tips on how to reassure and guide them:

1. Acknowledge Their Feelings: Let your children know it’s okay to feel uncomfortable. You can say, “I understand it’s tough to be in this position, and it’s not fair to you.” Resist any temptation to use this as an opportunity to blame or criticise their other parent!

2. Reassure Them: Assure your children that it’s not their responsibility to convey messages between parents. For example, “It’s not your job to relay messages between me and your dad/mom. We’ll take care of that.”

3. Provide Guidance: Encourage them to simply tell both parents that they don’t want to be messengers. You might suggest, “If Dad/Mom asks you to deliver a message, it’s okay to say, ‘Please talk to Mom/Dad about that directly.’”

Maintaining A Healthy Co-Parenting Relationship

In addition to addressing the immediate issue, this type of situation is often revealing of a malfunctioning co-parenting relationship. In order to avoid these types of issues, there are things you can put in place in your relationship with your ex to help foster direct communication and respectful engagement. The better the relationship between you two, the less the children will need to be caught in the middle.

1. Consistent Communication: Regularly check in with your ex about the children’s needs and schedules, even if it’s just via email or a co-parenting app.

2. Unified Front: Present a united front on key issues. This shows your children that despite your differences, you both prioritise their well-being.

3. Coaching and Mediation: If direct communication remains challenging, consider involving a mediator or divorce/co-parenting coach to de-escalate conflict and help set healthy communication boundaries.

Conclusion

Handling a situation where your ex uses your children as messengers requires patience, clear boundaries, and direct communication. By protecting your children from unnecessary stress and maintaining a professional relationship with your ex, you can create a more stable and supportive environment for your kids. Remember, your ultimate goal is to ensure the well-being and emotional health of your children, providing them with a sense of security and stability amidst the changes in their family dynamics.