When Your Ex Badmouths You In Front Of The Children

Article published on the Family Separation Hub in September 2024. From my series of articles on the Family Separation Hub on co-parenting challenges after divorce ??. Each week, I share practical tips on how to approach these sensitive issues with your children, your ex, and yourself.

Healing from divorce can be a long and painful process. It becomes even more challenging when your relationship with your ex is tense or even hostile and badmouths you in front of the children. In this context, navigating the delicate situation of an ex-partner speaking negatively about you to your children is fraught with emotional and psychological challenges. The impact on your children can be profound, leading to confusion, distress, and loyalty conflicts. Handling this situation requires a balanced approach, ensuring the well-being of your children remains the priority while addressing the behaviour of your ex in a constructive manner.

Supporting Your Children

Firstly, it is crucial to focus on the emotional health of your children. Children often internalise negative comments, which can damage their self-esteem and create feelings of guilt and anxiety. To mitigate this, create a safe and supportive environment where your children feel comfortable expressing their feelings. You can encourage open dialogue by listening attentively to their concerns without judgement. Reassure them that it is normal to feel confused or upset, and that both parents love them despite any disagreements.

While you want to ensure you validate your children’s feelings, you may also feel that you need to gently correct any misinformation. If your child repeats something negative they have heard, respond calmly and factually. For instance, if they say, “Mum/Dad says you don’t care about us,” you might respond, “That must have hurt your feelings. What do you think about that?”. By encouraging your children to explore their own opinion on the matter rather than the other parent’s, you are encouraging them to think for themselves and apply a critical lens to what they have heard. If they personally feel like you don’t care about them, then you can have a conversation with them focused on their feelings, leaving your ex’s opinion out of scope. The objective is to no longer make this a debate between your point of view and your ex’s, which might make the children feel like there are two sides to choose from. By removing your ex from the scope of the discussion, you are addressing your children’s concerns without putting them in the middle of a disagreement with their other parent. This also means, therefore, that you should entirely avoid criticising your ex-partner in return, as this can exacerbate the situation and further stress the child.

If your child is relaying these types of observations, it might mean that they are concerned that some of it is true. One way to counteract this, rather than attacking what your ex said, is to focus on reinforcing positive aspects of your own relationship with the child. Spend quality time together, engage in activities they enjoy, and consistently demonstrate your love and commitment. This helps build a resilient bond that can withstand external negativity. Ultimately, your child will be more comfortable trusting their own opinion of you and will learn to ignore your ex’s comments. It also models positive behaviour, teaching your children how to handle conflicts and differences with maturity and respect.

Addressing The Matter With Your Ex

Addressing the issue with your ex requires diplomacy and a focus on the well-being of your children. Initiate a calm and private conversation, preferably in a neutral setting. Approach the topic from a place of concern rather than accusation. You might start by saying, “I’ve noticed the children seem upset after visiting with you, and they’ve mentioned some things that worry me. Can we talk about how we can make this easier for them?” This frames the discussion around the shared goal of protecting your children’s emotional health.

Express how negative comments can affect the children and ask for their cooperation in avoiding such remarks in the future. Emphasise the importance of presenting a united front as parents, even if you no longer share a romantic relationship. If your ex-partner is unresponsive or defensive, it may be helpful to involve a mediator or family therapist who can facilitate a more constructive dialogue.

In situations where direct communication with your ex is challenging or unproductive, consider setting boundaries. This might include limiting discussions about personal grievances and focusing conversations strictly on parenting matters. Written communication can sometimes be more effective, allowing both parties to express themselves clearly and calmly without the heat of the moment influencing the exchange.

Parallel to these efforts, you can leverage some of the afore-mentioned techniques to equip your children with coping mechanisms to deal with negative comments. Teach them to distinguish between opinions and facts, and encourage critical thinking. This empowers them to form their own views and reduces the emotional impact of derogatory statements. Additionally, fostering strong relationships with other family members and friends can provide a supportive network that reinforces positive influences.

Legal recourse is a last resort but can be necessary in extreme cases. If your ex-partner’s behaviour constitutes parental alienation or significantly harms the children’s well-being, consulting with a solicitor to understand your options might be warranted. Documentation of instances where negative comments have been made and their impact on the children can be valuable in such cases.

No matter how you choose to address the issue, handling an ex who speaks negatively about you to your children requires a multi-faceted approach centred on protecting the emotional well-being of your children. Throughout this process, prioritise self-care. Dealing with an ex-partner’s negative influence can be emotionally draining. Seek support from friends, family, or a divorce coach to maintain your own mental health. Your ability to remain calm and composed directly affects your children’s ability to cope with the situation.