When your efforts succeed with one and fail with another

How to observe, be clear and get a commitment

People are like plants.

Ok, maybe not all the time, but work with me.

These two jewel orchids – bought from the same vendor and growing with a similar amount of feeding/water/light – are showing up very differently. I’m in the process of tending to the smaller of the two in the hopes of keeping it healthy and prompting more growth.

You may notice a similar disparity in your garden, or your household or your workplace. It’s especially true if you’ve provided similar attention or feedback or in depth conversations with varying results. In one arena the message falls flat just after that same message prompted a huge shift in another arena.

Why do some efforts work so well with one and not so well with another?

You may attempt to regroup with careful handling, more light, less attention, even a bit of pruning.

At times these efforts are game changers. But when they don’t create a shift, it may be helpful to locate the disconnect.

What if you failed to notice something that triggers one person, but not the other? Maybe you're explaining too much and muddying the waters. No wonder it's hard to come to a resolution.

THIS WEEK’S INSIGHT

When your efforts succeed with one and fail with another

This week, Marc wanted to work on the interactions he’s had with two senior members of his team.

I’m noticing that my communication with one director is more strained after we worked through a plan to address development areas in his performance review. He said he’d begin work on a series of issues, but he’s not doing a thing! In fact, he’s made no progress on some urgent elements of a project.

We talked about all sorts of ‘reasons’ this person might have for choosing to handle the feedback in this way.

But here’s the thing. I provided almost the exact same plan to another director and she’s already implementing the changes we laid out. Same message. How can they respond so differently?

Sometimes when you’re mired in a difficult situation, finding a way out seems blocked. Here’s how our conversation unfolded.

Marc, a few weeks ago you shared about the challenges you have with your two high school age sons. One has no issue completing assignments, using his calendar to plan for tests, even scoping out what university will suit him best. The other son needs your attention to do any homework, frequently forgets to turn in assignments unless prompted and is putting off any thought of more education. You put a high priority on education, so how do you work with each of them to meet them where they are?

Well, I certainly can’t deal with them in the same way. It would be an epic fail.

So, what do you do?

I guess I tailor the message for each of my sons, because I know what will encourage or trigger them.

Returning to your work dilemma, what might happen if you knew enough about your senior directors to change up how you provide feedback?

A streamlined message may give you a template - but it has to be tweaked for it to be effective.

THIS WEEK’S TOOL

Observe, be clear and get a commitment

It seems so obvious when you’re not in the middle of a difficult situation.

The more you observe about the other, the better you know how to address delicate matters and speak in a language the other understands.

The more clear you are in your communication, the better chance you have to deliver a concise message that can be heard.

The more you work toward a commitment, the better opportunity you create for a strategy that works for you and the other person.

My takeaway

The plants in my life all have something to teach me. Because I could see the contrast in size and growth between these previously similar jewel orchids - I realized there is plenty of room for me to learn more!

For one, I wasn’t paying attention. Now I’m observing. Second, I watered and fed them the same. Now I’m spending more time with the one that appears neglected. Finally, I’m committed to charting how my changes are impacting both orchids.

As it relates to the people in my life and work, this is a huge reminder of what happens when I give blanket, over-arching statements. They rarely work, because one size doesn’t fit all.

How I want others to interact with me fuels how I choose to interact with others.

That translates to speaking to someone in the way I know they can hear me - because I’ve taken the time to know something about them. It’s about using fewer words at the right time. Words that are clear and have meaning. And finally, when I agree to commit to what we’re working on, we get closer to what we both want.

And remember,

What works for one, may not work for another.

Akiroq Brost