When your boundaries limit your growth

For the longest time, I had no boundaries around my work.

People could put meetings on my already-too-full calendar 30 minutes before they started.?

My managers could add projects to my already-too-full workload at any time. I’d stay later than I wanted to and let pointless meetings run over.

I was frazzled and overwhelmed. Resentful at the never-ending flow of stuff.

I thought it would get more manageable with the next promotion, but it got worse.?

At one point, my mentor told me I needed to create boundaries.?

So, slowly, I started setting limits on my calendar bookings, paying attention to my schedule, and ending my work days at a reasonable hour.?

And then I met Sofia. “No, thank you” was one of her favorite phrases. Man! Her boundaries were rock solid; it was fascinating to witness.

One time, right after a big promotion, she said, “If the president himself called me for a meeting after 5 p.m., I’d say no.”

This seemed a necessary?stage in setting boundaries?in her new job.?

And then I saw her boundaries become her limitation.?

Sofia was working on a very visible project with cross-functional teams. We were excited about the project, and we didn’t have a ton of time to execute it. Longer days were required, including some weekends and super early morning calls, and she was unwilling to budge.?

She kind of disappeared after 5:30 p.m. and didn’t respond to messages on nights or weekends. Period.?

For some reason, the rock-solid boundaries she had set didn’t feel suitable for this project, and we had no option but to let her out of many decisions. She was being too rigid and unbending.

“Wasn’t that the point of boundaries?” I remember thinking, confused. It’s tricky. Sofia was eventually moved back to an individual contributor role and ended up leaving. I continued to watch her and others as I worked on refining my boundary situation.

Recently, we brought Vanessa, a new consultant, into Whole Leadership Systems. And the topic of boundaries resurfaced.

Vanessa and I started working on my most precious project, the in-person Academy. There were times leading up to it when we worked 12-hour days on and off Zoom. We had Saturday and Sunday calls, last-minute calls, and calls that ran an hour over the end time.?

What struck me the most was that none of this extra work felt like a boundary violation to either of us.?

Why?

I have?solid inner boundaries.?

I know (and have spent years) understanding my limits, preferences, desires, and standards. I have practiced honoring, communicating, and speaking them; they have become automatic, unspoken?inner boundaries.?

When I used to want to be like Sofia, I wanted?outer boundaries:?rules like “I only work during these hours” to avoid dishonoring my limits. Now, I understand my needs and limitations organically and automatically, and I can adjust my world accordingly.

So when I want to do something, I allow it. When I feel a ‘no’ to something, I speak it.?

If I had not felt like taking a call with Vanessa on a Saturday, I would have just said, “That won’t work for me today; how’s Monday?”

In fact, in one of our particularly dense content calls for the Academy, I told her, ‘I’m at capacity. I need to end.” We wrapped up a few minutes later.?

After another unexpectedly long call, Vanessa told me, “I need an hour to take a hike and eat lunch before we pick up again.” That’s what we did.?

When you know how to recognize your needs and limits, and what is required to be at your best and when you’ve practiced communicating them to others, your external and often rigid boundaries to keep others from taking too much from you become less necessary.?

This is beautiful. Outer boundaries are an essential part of development personally and professionally. And they’re primarily about what you’re saying ‘no’ to.?

If you keep those in place rigidly for too long, they limit what you can say ‘yes’ to.?

When you have rock-solid?inner boundaries,?you can recognize what you want to say ‘yes’ to and the conditions you need to keep in place to keep receiving?more.

We want to hear from you.?

Where do you see your external boundaries have become too rigid??

What lets you know that an inner boundary has been crossed? How do you respond?

Could you reply to this email and let us know?

With love,

Mari Carmen

P.S. Need a little hack to learn to set and honor your own inner and outer boundaries? Start respecting other people’s ‘no’ when it’s directed toward?you.

#boundaries #professionaldevelopment #management #womeninbusiness