When Your Boss Tells You to Have Lunch with a Bully

Have you ever been in a situation where your boss gave you advice that seemed, at best, out of touch and, at worst, downright dismissive of your experience? I was in that spot when I approached my boss about someone in the office making my work environment miserable. The solution they offered? "Why don't you take them to lunch and talk it out?"

I couldn’t believe it. Here I was, summoning the courage to address workplace bullying—a topic many are still hesitant to confront—and the response was to "break bread" with someone who had shown no signs of wanting to engage positively. It felt like being told to put a band-aid on a broken bone.

For many, this scenario isn’t unique. Workplace bullying is a real issue, and while some leaders understand its gravity, others underestimate the emotional toll it takes or, worse, suggest solutions that place the burden squarely on the victim. Encouraging victims to "work it out" with their bullies often feels like being told to "fix" a situation you didn’t create.

But as frustrating as my boss’s advice was, it forced me to take a step back and consider my options. Should I follow their suggestion? Should I escalate the matter to HR? Or should I take another approach entirely?

Here’s what I learned from this experience:

1. Trust Your Feelings: If you feel bullied, that feeling is valid. Bullying in the workplace can be subtle—cutting remarks, exclusion, or undermining your work—but it’s no less damaging.
2. Seek Allies: If management doesn’t provide your support, look for allies among your peers or external mentors. Sometimes, someone else’s perspective can help validate your experience and guide your next steps.
3. Document Everything: Keep records of interactions with the bully and your conversations with management. Documentation can be critical if the situation escalates.
4. Advocate for Better Solutions: Suggest alternatives to your boss if you feel safe. For instance, mediated conversations facilitated by HR or a third party can produce more productive outcomes than a casual lunch.

While my boss’s advice didn’t resolve the problem, it clarified how to advocate for myself and others. A good workplace isn’t one where bullying gets dismissed; it’s one where every team member feels valued and safe.

I’d love to hear how you handled it if you've ever been in a similar situation. Let’s talk about it—because no one should face workplace bullying alone.