When you try so hard but you don’t succeed

While you are busy running and preparing for your marathon, your focus is on the training, the diet, and you don’t see that you are being watched. Those who think running is impossible or not for them are watching you. Now you may fall short of your targeted time, you may not even complete the race. I was set to run a full marathon last year, but fell on KM27. I was crying so much in that van driving back, passing all the runners who did stay in the race. I thought my efforts were in vain. I trained so hard. I was sure to complete the race and make my son proud.

I thought I was running for my son. He was there, waiting for me at the finish line… I thought he was watching… but the one watching was Silvia. A dear friend of mine. She’s 60yo. She was struggling with failed diets. Unbeknownst to me and maybe even to her. Somehow my act of audacity spoke to her. I don’t know when the spark was lit, but she started to run religiously after my “failed” race. She lost so much weight and gained so much stamina. She looks amazing. The irony is that now, I don’t even run that much, but she continues, daily. I shifted to CrossFit.

So I attend the 6am class at CrossFit. I usually go around 4-5 times per week. I like to go early because that’s when the badass athletes usually train. Why do I want to train with them? Because when I fall short – which happens often – I smile and get back on the saddle and tell myself: “yeah, it’s ok… you are doing the same programme as the big guys, so it’s fine to fall short sometimes”.

If you have high expectations for yourself and fall short, does it count as failure?

My rent is high, my car lease payments are rough and, of course, I have to push hard to meet these “unrealistic” standards that I set for myself. We can always level down I tell to be fair. I already know how low I can go, but I want to see how high I can reach. So that’s the grind. I apply this high standard approach to my eating habits. If there is nothing healthy to eat, I fast. If there are no decent men to date, I stay home with a good book. If the event is all about small talk, I leave. If the preacher is not making sense, I put my ear plugs in.

Call it radicalism, low tolerance or even impatience, but I find that efficient and productive. My approach to drinking alcohol is similar. If I drink, I’ll go for the bottle, so I don’t drink at all. Maybe some of you have challenged yourselves in the same way. If you apply this approach to relationships, you will struggle though. You can be hard on yourself, but not on others. You can demand of yourself, but not from others. ?We only whisper growth. Change is so personal. If you want to encourage high performance, hold space for them. Provide the environment and because growth is the natural state of all beings, growth will spur.

I held space for my son to learn piano. When he plays in concerts, he looks at me after each song he completes. I don’t play the piano or any instrument for that matter, but I drive him to his classes weekly for 4 years now. I sit inside the classroom, I don’t play with my phone. I just watch him and his teacher interacting and playing. I don’t always understand what is happening because they speak in Swiss German, but my presence is felt. I protect his space so he can do what he does best – grow.

We don’t fail if we set high standards. We grow. We grow when we are watched. Watched with care and enthusiasm. Growth is fragile, it must be protected.

So we ruled our “failure” because of high standards and we also enabled the organic growth of others. Perfect. But how does that help us? Growth is what keeps relationships together. The best way to be dumped is to stop your personal growth. The best way to be fired, is to stop growing your skills. Freezing is fearing. Fear is constantly lurking around disguised as procrastination, as laziness, as sadness, as hesitation, confusion, frustration, indecision, insecurity, envy and anxiety.

The only way out of this spiral is to cultivate friendships with fearless individuals. It’s the group of entrepreneurs, the running club, the early CrossFit class that will ground you in your badassery. Your lifeline is those with very high standards. Don’t avoid them, watch them. Do your best to belong to them.

We grow when we are believed. We are validated and somewhat allowed to be awesome when we are watched. Our visibility is confirmed by our peers, our managers, our friends, our family. They see us. They believe in us. This belief is then transformed into growth. In other words, we grow under the spotlight. Plants grow under the sun. Naturally.

Hiding a plant is tragic, because it will cause death. You are only valid when seen. Hide your profile, your brand, your voice, your skills and you are sure to fail.

Failure comes to us when we don’t appear. Showing up matters. It’s the only protection you have. Don’t be fooled to believe that it’s a risk. Appearing is growing. Growth glows.

Picture includes me, my son and Silvia ROSSI ?