When You or A Friend Becomes a Sudden Caregiver with Karen Warner

How do we cope when we find ourselves suddenly responsible for taking care of a loved one facing a major health challenge? We know that caregiving can be a source of great stress. Can it also be a source of meaning and well-being? Here to help us think about these questions is Karen Warner, an executive coach and author of the newly released book, The Sudden Caregiver.

To watch the entire conversation, click here or play the embedded video below.

Senia: What do you believe that others in your field may not believe? 

Karen: Most people would say that caregiving is a terrible experience, and there's no absence of research to that effect. The chance of mortality is 30% higher in caregivers than non-caregivers. Caregivers lose sleep, exercise poorly, and eat poorly. Caregivers have a 23% increase in susceptibility to stroke. On the work front, they may lose their jobs because they have to cut back on hours or their effectiveness is compromised by the need to help at home. As I learned these statistics, I realized I was living them. But it wasn't the whole story of my experience or of other caregivers I've met. 

There's a graphic in my book showing the results from many caregiver interviews. When asked, "What are the significant factors of caregiving?" people were asked to give ratings to statements like, "It's exhausting." "I'm never where I'm supposed to be at any given time." "I exercise poorly." "I have too much on my plate." But they were also asked to rate statements like, "I am closer to the person in my care." "I am able to provide what that person needs." "I feel like I'm doing a good job." The responses to those questions were also significant. People reported having positive emotions including joyfulness and pride. 

There’s a heightened awareness of time when caring for a loved one. During my caregiving experience, I was always aware, "I may have only a limited number of hours on the planet with this person, my husband. How can I really appreciate that and be mindful?"

Well-being, positive emotions, engagement, positive relationships, meaning and accomplishment were all part of our experience. One person I interviewed said, "I took care of both of my aging parents. They died within six months of each other. I know they're looking down on me right now and saying, 'You did a good job.'" It's appropriate to think about caregiving through that lens of well-being as well as through the lens of difficulty. I call this the caregiver paradox. Caregiving brings both negative things and positive things.

Senia: How did you come to this belief? 

Karen: I was in Rome with my now late husband, Joel Kurtzman. We were having a really great, carefree vacation. I snapped a picture of my husband across from me because he looked so relaxed, and we had had such a great day. I have looked at that picture over and over again and said to myself, "I can’t see the cancer." Four months later, he was diagnosed with stage four cancer. Overnight, I became a sudden caregiver.

At the time, I didn’t think of it that way. He was in the hospital. We decided we were going to figure it out. “We are not going to go under the wheels of this thing.”

He lived for 18 more months. I was the primary person taking care of things. We had help. Family members and friends helped. I don't know what I would've done without them. At the end of the day, however, the two people left are the caregiver and the care-receiver.

In my husband's honor, I wrote this book to help change the caregiver story. It can include so much more than negativity and depletion.

If you know a caregiver, odds are they have questions that this book answers. The book begins with a discussion of ways to build an intentional practice of well-being in the midst of caregiving. The second part of the book is about how to do caregiving well, many pragmatic things to consider. The last part is about moving away from the caregiving role, either because the person gets well, or as in my case, the person dies. I went through a period of grieving. I had to figure out life on the other side of my loss.

As you progress through the book, you may want to consider pairing your reading experience with The Sudden Caregiving Playbook. It allows you to apply the advice given in the book to your own caregiving situation. 

Senia: If someone finds themselves in a sudden caregiver role, what are some things they should do early do?

Karen: There are a few things people should do right away.

Three Quick Suggestions

1. Organize Relevant Paperwork: We had not looked at our wills in 12 years. We had to find them and make sure they were what we still wanted. It was the last thing we wanted to be thinking about.
2. Start a Gratitude Journal: Research by Robert Emmons indicates that gratitude enhances well-being. Ask yourself, “What is something good that happened today?” “Who did something that made a difference?”
3. Form Your Care Leading Squad: What are the things you can’t or don’t want to do? Find wonderful people in your life that will do those things for you. Know who you can call on. Make sure that you trust them implicitly.

Senia: What one thought do you want to leave with everyone?  

Karen: I'd like to leave them with a quotation from our former first lady:

"There are only four kinds of people in the world. Those who have been caregivers, those who are caregivers, those who will need caregivers, and those who will be caregivers." ~Rosalynn Carter

If it's not today, it's in your future.

Senia: What’s one action you would like everyone to take? 

Karen: Always be kinder than you feel because everyone is going through something. Even when you feel, "My life is harder than yours," take a moment to find a way to be kind.

Image from Canva under "caregiver"

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WHY IS THIS ARTICLE HERE? In April 2020, a group of us executive coaches asked, "How can we help in this stressful time?"

I started interviewing our coaches and then other people on a daily broadcast. We're exploring the topics that you tell us are on your mind, such as working from home, running your business, and moving forward in your career. The episodes are about 20 minutes long because we know how strapped you are for time. In many episodes, I ask business leaders and executive coaches what they Believe to be true that others do not believe.

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