When You Earn a Better Connection

I just had to deliver some tough love. Someone I really admire professionally (and enjoy the company of, personally) didn't quite rock their work performance, and I had to have a conversation about it. I thought I'd tell you why the follow-up conversation went well, even though it was a bit harsh.

This person is great at their role. I've said so professionally many times. I've backed their moves when they've made tough calls. I have promoted them to their boss on numerous occasions. And they know at least some of that. They know how I feel about their overall abilities. Heck, the last slack I sent before today's referred to them as a "superstar."

Constructive Feedback Works Better When The Person Knows You Care

That's the takeaway. You could stop reading and get back 3 or so minutes. But I know you won't.

I told this person what I think might be a better approach for their project. I gave them specific feedback that they could absorb and use for adjustments. I provided actionable steps towards pulling this project out of the status I feel it's in now. And I offered to participate privately twice more with this person so that the work would be higher quality before it must be turned in.

It's a lot easier to take rough feedback if you believe fully that the person giving it wants you to succeed. If you're the leader in this case, I have bad news: that means you have to have already done a lot to establish that you're the kind of person who cares.

But What If You're The Recipient of That Feedback?

All is not lost if you receive rough feedback from someone and you don't know for sure that they respect and admire your professional contributions. You can still get something from the interaction, but it'll require that you do a few more steps.

"Thanks for this feedback. Can you give me some ideas on where I might be able to bring this up to the level where it should be?"

Remember, if someone provides feedback, it's not as useful until they give you specifics you can work from.

Then again, you have to decide if you trust their professional opinion as well. When I've received feedback from people who I didn't think of as especially good leaders, I smiled politely and ignored it. (Something I've practiced doing for well over 40 of my 54 years.)

If you do respect their skills and knowledge (note that I'm carefully also not mentioning that you have to respect them in any other capacity), it's better to have feedback and consider it than not. And if they give it, it's better to have recommendations of next paths towards improvement than not.

Invest Invest Invest

I've now had two quick Zoom calls with that person. I coached. I gave concrete perspective. I modeled some possible ways the work might look. I'm not doing their work for them. I trust them to win because that's what I know they can do. But in this moment, I'm their coach looking over the tape of their performance and I'm giving them adjustments to make.

I'll see this person in the flesh about eight or so days from now and I'll surely buy them a nice beverage. I'll shake hands and laugh and praise them even more. My job is to help people win. I'll pour back so much love in this person that they'll be ready and then some.

And I'll cheer. I'm shifting my calendar around to be there when they present their information now. I want them to see how much I care about their success. (Though disclaimer: I don't always get to pick where I go, so I might have to miss it - but the INTENT is that I'll be there.)

When I earn the connection with great people doing big work, I can tell them what's broken and they'll listen to that feedback. It's a great opportunity to work with the best people in the industry and see them succeed.

Tough Love Only Works if You're in Service of Their Victory

Oh, I guess that's a last point to make: this all works better if your feedback is all about helping them win. Is that a given? I'd like to think so. But some people out there think THEY have to win. I don't. My victory only comes when the team crosses the finish line together and then preps for the next race.

If you're thinking you need to demonstrate somehow in such feedback that you're better, you should stop reading my letters.

Our job is to be Yoda to our people's Luke and Rey (or whoever - it doesn't matter. We're Yoda).

I'm looking forward to seeing my colleague win.

Chris...