When You Don't Want to Connect with Your Spouse

There may be times in your marriage where your partner reaches out to connect with you, but you are not quite open to them.

One of the most important things you can do in these moments is to get curious about what's going on inside of you.

In your marriage, what you want the MOST is a healthy, loving, safe connection.

And when your spouse is reaching out to create that, but you are closed off, or resistant, there's important insight you want to have.

When I see this happen for my clients, it's usually because of one or more of the following things:

#1. Fear of Disappointment. I don't think we are ever fully prepared for the level of disappointment that can be felt in a marriage. It's the one relationship so many of us enter into thinking and expecting the best. We believe that this person we love so much, this person who gives us the attention, love, and affection we desire, will always show up this way.

Yet over time, as we begin to reveal different parts of ourselves, and the challenges of life change us, the relationship with your spouse, in some seasons, can be among the MOST disappointing relationship you experience.

When feeling disappointed is the norm, it can be easy to become apathetic to genuine attempts to connect. There is a level of distrust that skews the way you experience and interpret their actions, even if they are well intentioned.

#.2 An Open Wound. There are times when your partner may reach out to you in an attempt to reconnect after conflict. Some people will take loving actions before they have a vulnerable conversation about what happened.

If you have a partner who picks up like nothing happened, but you are still hurting and wounded from the negative interaction, it can feel unsafe to re-engage. The situation doesn't feel resolved for you, and you are still struggling with the unmet need. They are ready to move on, but you still need further conversation, consoling or comfort.

#3. Resentment. In some cases, deep seeded anger, and frustration blocks your ability to be open to connecting with your spouse again. Perhaps they haven't acknowledge something they did that impacted you, or maybe they are blaming you for issues without ever taking responsibility for their actions, or it could be that they do apologize, but keep doing the same problematic things over and over again.

Resentment can eat away at you, and prevent you from seeing anything positive from opening yourself up to connect with your spouse. They, in your mind, are a person you don't like very much, and there may be no part of you that actually WANTS to be around them.

Whatever the root cause is for you, it's important to know that it's ok to feel these feelings. You are a human, not a robot.

And at the same time, it's also important to acknowledge that the longer you resist connection, the longer you remain disconnected.

In that time new issues will arise, and you build an even bigger mountain between you.

You want to keep yourself focused on the end goal which is always for you to be happy.

For you to experience peace.

For you to enjoy your life with this person you have chosen to spend it with.

Then ask yourself this question:

What do I need right now in order to move me BACK into a loving connection with my spouse?

Sometimes the answer will be work you need to do on your own to get to a better place and perspective.

Sometimes the answer will be to have a vulnerable conversation.

Sometimes the answer will be seeking professional support to address your issues.

Whatever it is for you, take that next step and move yourself forward.

This life is so precious.

And your healing, growing, and reconnecting makes it even more sacred.

Have a beautiful weekend.

My best,

Dr. Chavonne

P.S. Did you know you can work with me directly in one of my private coaching programs? I am now accepting new clients - both couples and individual women who want to enjoy their life and marriage again. Learn more about working with me at DrChavonne.com