When You Become Narcissist-Aware it's Empowering

When you finally know you’ve been with a narcissist, watch your world change

If you’re reading this, then I commend you for being here today. My name is Annette and I work as a Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Counsellor and Coach. Why I’m telling you this, is because I help women (and men) recover from relationships that were impacted by a narcissist. Regardless of whether you feel the experience you had was severe, or not that bad at all.

If you are feeling alone at the moment, this article is for you. I want you to know that you are not alone, and together we can go through this journey together. Please don’t forget to give this article a few claps so I can see it’s being read. Let me know too if you want to see more articles like this.

Reassuring You You’re Not Alone

Rest assured you’re not alone in this, and if you’re sitting here right now reading this wondering if your relationship with your narcissist will ever get better — the likelihood of it improving is very little.

This is not because I have zero faith in the narcissist, but it’s mainly based off the fact that I don’t know the person you are with or whether they have any motivation to change or work on their behavior. Sometimes we hold onto hope that our person is going to change because they show a glimmer of hope of being kind — but consistency is always key. You won’t know that your person is going to change until they can stick to that behaviour.

So be assured, that you are not the only one who may have only just recently come to the realising that you are dealing with a narcissist. Every day I get calls and stories from people just like you, who just found out. Maybe they had been with the narcissist just a few months, or a few years. This person maybe saw my article and fell down the rabbit hole searching for more, and more information until they couldn’t do it anymore and reached out for help.

So before you do reach out to me and tell me that you’re silly for not realising it sooner.. keep in mind it took me at least 5 years to realise I was with a narc.

It may not feel that bad, but it probably is

Years of working with Domestic Violence survivors, it’s incredible how many dismiss and discount the abuse they have been through. Up until recently many professionals didn’t consider emotional abuse to be real abuse. Why? Because emotional abuse doesn’t leave physical scars. It leaves a permanent scar though psychologically. The person who is infllicing the abuse makes you continually feel bad about yourself, slowly chipping away at your self worth, self confidence and self esteem.

Sometimes women tell me that before they met the narcissist they were so confident and proud of themselves, but over time the narc broke them down.

To the point of what?

Well, the abuse may be so bad that you start to question whether your life is even worth living.

Let me give you an example. Perhaps you married a very charming, attractive narcissist and over the years he started to slowly chip away at your self esteem. It started with a few snide comments about how you had ‘gained weight’ or how ‘wasn’t that dress a lot looser on you’. Which again is entirely normal because your hormones change as you get older, and they affect people differently.

Then it gets worse over time. Soon it becomes that every-time you have an ice cream he calls you a ‘fat bitch’, but says it in such a way that still sounds like he is joking. ‘You’re not eating again are you,’ he’d say to you. You don’t get the promotion at work, and he tells you it’s because you’re ‘so fat, who would give you a promotion’. Then when you are out at dinner with friends, he starts to order over the top of you (when you order a steak) for you rather than letting you order yourself. “Instead of the steak, she’s going to have the salad because she needs to lose weight.”

This is just one example. Then it may be followed up with you saying to him that you have had enough and you’re going to leave him. So he says to you ‘Leave then! No one wants a fat wh$re.’ or ‘You’re ugly, no one will want to go out with you.’

So then you feel so bad about yourself, and believe that you are not good enough. Eventually you start to feel depressed and suicidal.

So the abuse at first may not seem so bad, but it is. It affects every aspect of your self worth.

You’re not stupid for not seeing it sooner

So before you blame yourself for not seeing it sooner, remember that are still hundreds of women and men out there who have been abused by a narcissist. Many who are going through the motions day after day, and have no idea that they are with one. Their friends or family may support the narcissist and like him, but you have an inkling that something just isn’t right.

So when you do eventually find out, I don’t want you thinking that you are stupid. You’re not.

He was just very clever and manipulative.

He is a narcissist, it’s what they do.

Did you give him hundreds or thousands of dollars and now kicking yourself

Sadly we can’t go back in time to the time that you met the narcissist and spent all that money on them, but you can learn from the experience and not be as trusting to giving someone money as quickly as you did before.

It’s always a good idea to not lend people money (in general) if you are in a new relationship.

Con artists, scammers.. there are so many out there. Some narcissists may even be with you because you have money. It happens, and it’s really upsetting.

Again, I want you to know that you’re not stupid for giving him the money. If anything, you trusted that this relationship was going to be the one, and work out so you invested into the relationship. Maybe he even convinced you that this what people do in relationships, and you believed him. Or perhaps he spun you this amazing sob story that make you step back and go, wow I can help him. If I give him money then he will want to be with me, and spend time with me. Like if I pay and get his car fixed, he will come and spend more time with me. Or if I buy us tickets to go away on this getaway, he can come because he hasn’t got any money.

When you finally reach out for help, it’s scary but empowering

Well maybe I spoke a bit too soon about the empowering bit, but it can actually be very scary to reach out for help. It can sound like the little narrative in our head that says “You don’t need help, you can do this by yourself.”

But even the most together people need help.

I did. When I went through my own experience with a narcissist I hesitated to get help. I was scared that I was going to be judged and my experience dismissed. Because there was no help back then for narcissistic abuse my experience was just that. I was dismissed, told that my experience was not ‘that bad’, that I had to be more lenient on my ex because, that I had to be more understanding. I even got told off by my therapist for leaving and not giving it a go.

I fired her. I worked damn hard on myself to raise my self esteem and self worth. Thousands of hours of reading, coaching and ensuring that I was strong enough to face any challenge that came my way.

My belief is that it is so important to have a good connection with the person that you are reaching out, and asking them if they have been through the experience themselves.

For example, now if I was to start again looking for help with narcissistic abuse, I’d be choosing someone who has a pretty solid understanding. Regardless of the cost, because at the end of the day just going to someone who has a basic understanding I’d be wasting my money and time. Rather than someone who has healed and has a solid understanding of what I’m going through.

So when you do finally reach out for help, it is so empowering. Why? Because you are taking back your power. It’s amazing how quickly you will feel good about yourself in a small amount of time. Equipping you for the challenges that you may face.

Pick Your Tribe

Lastly, pick your tribe. Don’t be worried if you only have a few people in your life that you trust, because that is better than having lots of people around you. Not everyone is going to understand what you are feeling, and what you are going through.

Pick and choose your tribe wisely, and if your parents or friends are siding with the narcissist and think that the narc is an amazing person that you are lucky to have — pick what you tell them. Be very careful what you share. You need to be prepared for when those flying monkey’s emerge.

Infact, it may be after your relationship ends when your friends turn away from you because you have left the narcissist.

It’s best to have someone in your life who does not know the narcissist at all.

Anyways, I hope you have a great day. Please feel free to reach out to me here & leave your phone number so I can call you too if you are dealing with narcissistic abuse.

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Annette’s journey as a single mom for the past 11 years is truly inspiring. She made the brave choice to leave when her daughter was on the way and her son was just one. Being the sole provider, Annette has faced the challenges of single parenthood with unwavering determination, driven by her love for her children. Despite recent financial struggles, her dedication to counseling victims of narcissistic abuse and domestic violence reveals a heartfelt mission to make a positive impact in the lives of others.

The current financial pressures, including business costs and upcoming high school expenses for her eldest, highlight the hurdles Annette is bravely facing. Your support, whether big or small, becomes a lifeline, offering comfort during these tough times. Your contribution not only helps with immediate financial burdens but also ensures Annette can continue her heartfelt work, providing assistance and understanding to those affected by narcissistic abuse. Consider a $5 donation as a gesture of compassion, joining in solidarity with Annette’s heartfelt mission to make a difference in the lives of those she touches.