When you aren't heard at work

"Should I say something..." Is what I always ended up thinking to myself. I was feeling the conflict inside my head. On the one hand, I knew I had something useful to add. There was also the little voice in my head: "Better to be silent and thought a fool, then open your mouth and remove all doubt."**

Sometimes I did speak up and then I could feel my temperature rise in the adrenaline of just sharing my opinion. Other times I decided to pass and let it go, and then felt like receding into a dark hole and disappearing.

In some cases, I came into the situation with a clear vision of what I wanted to share. I knew why it was the right path or change to make, and had ample evidence and support to back it up. Then, in the moment, the reactions of the group surprised me and my approach got derailed. I would walk away thinking, "They just didn't understand what I was saying..."

When you have these types of interactions over and over again at work, it can become very demoralizing. At times, it felt to me like my ability to impact the work was never going to come, and it wasn't worth it to even try.

It is convenient to push the blame for how these scenarios turned out on others. So many excuses come to mind. They weren't listening, the culture was bad, nobody was practicing psychological safety, or everyone else was thinking about themselves but not the good of the company. These excuses made me feel better for a moment, but they were not enough to explain the situation. How did I know that? Well somebody always gets their ideas and suggestions implemented. So there must be a path through. Over time I was able to find ways to convince people and impact the business, too.

The easiest part (and the only part) of the equation you can control is yourself. What can you do to make sure you are able to communicate your ideas?

I can see that there was a lot of personal growth that allowed me to flourish in communication and influencing scenarios. It definitely wasn't a better technical understanding of the solution. At every step in my career I have been surrounded with people who had more experience, more knowledge of the subject, and better ideas than I had. What I had was the ability to build connections and understand how to appeal to people in a way that spoke to them. To address what they valued. I used authenticity and vulnerability to show my values. That helped me develop the trust of people around me and prove that I was dedicated to not just my own career, but the careers of others. I was also committed to the success of the company as a whole. I didn't do this alone. I figured out how to leverage my insight and combine it with the brilliant people I worked with. I became a force multiplier.

Here are some of the skills I had to build (and am still working on) to influence others and have a bigger impact:

• Self awareness: you understand what your strengths and weaknesses are. You play to those in defining solutions to problems. You recognize what your emotions are telling you. Then you use this information to improve the outcomes, as opposed to letting the emotions drive you towards worse outcomes.
• Self expression: you are able to communicate your thinking in a logical way. You can show your emotions (such as your passion and excitement) in a way others can identify.
• Assertiveness: you recognize how to push your ideas without being pushy. If you hold back, you may not get your ideas out there. If you push too much, the idea may be dismissed because of the way it is presented.
• Interpersonal relations: you have a good handle on how your relationship stands with others. You can build authentic connections that enable you to work towards better solutions.
• Empathy: you are able to understand the emotional responses of the others. You frequently put yourself in their shoes to predict what would motivate them. You use this information to tailor your message to your audience. The audience in turn feels confident in the solution you have provided.

The good news is that each of these skills can be analytically measured and improved. Each of these skills is a component of emotional intelligence.

I recognized that my passion lies in helping people with highly analytical talents to grow these skills. I'd love to hear about any ways these scenarios resonate with you (either in the comments or a direct message). I want to understand what elements are difficult for you, and what might be useful to overcome these hurdles. I know that it can be frustrating when you aren't heard. I want to figure out how to help everyone gain the expertise needed to be successful in growing their communication skills and impact.