When the Worry is Constant (But You Still Have to Work)

Julie Lythcott Haims writes on her Pod , “As I ingest the news out of Robb Elementary School in Uvalde, Texas, my stomach stirs its bile into a froth and threatens to spew it upward like lava into my throat. I also feel the need to leave. The ancient parts of me that still reside in my central nervous system know that retching and running are valid responses to a threat. But these neurological systems were designed to save me from poison and saber-toothed tigers, not America.”

We are grieving and sickened with worry right now. But for most of us, life is going on. We still need to be present at work. We still need to parent, even if we feel we can not let our kids out of our sight for a second.?

If you’re like me right now, you might be sitting doing work when a news alert comes in, and then you’re flooded with uncontrollable worry, sadness, and helplessness. Like Julie, you may feel the need to leave. You may feel like you want to scream, or protest… this. very. Minute. But you have a deadline to meet.

How do you process these feelings with the respect they need while still managing your work? I asked Carolyn Glass, LCSW , for advice.

She says, “It’s very easy to be consumed by something like this. It's upsetting to hear about something violent happening, because it triggers all of our fear responses.”

But: Can you contain your feelings until you're in a place where you can work through them and try to problem solve? Then, can you create a worry tree, and decide if there’s action you’d like to take? If you’re hit with the worry before you’re due in a meeting, acknowledge the feeling, and figure out whether you are in a place right now where you can actually think through this or problem solve, or if you need to contain the feelings for a better time.?(Image credit: https://www.cbtcliniclondon.com/5-ways-to-stop-worrying-leaflet/)

You can quickly write down thoughts in a journal and come back to them later, or if you're so distracted by anxious thoughts throughout the day, Glass suggests setting a worry hour. “From 6:00 to 7:00 PM, so after work, but not too close to bedtime, that is your hour. Write worries down during the day and just hit it then. And it's an interesting thing because it teaches you how to stay present throughout the day. Let those thoughts flow through. And then when you're in a calmer place, actually think through those problems.”

You may feel guilty about letting your normal life go on at a time of such national grief. But, says Glass, “in the moment, during your workday, you don't help the world by making it stop. Set aside time to take action-- fundraise or join a rally. But you don't have time to do that right now when you have a meeting in 10 minutes. And you're not helping anyone by sitting there and feeling really sad and guilty.”?

Manage your media consumption

“I'm not going to say don't read the news,” says Glass. That's ridiculous, because you do want to be informed about what's going on. Twice a day is enough. Set a time, and when your alarm goes off, you're done, because you're not getting anything new anymore. And that way, it's harder to continue to ruminate. And it's the rumination that you want to avoid. Feelings are fine, but the rumination is what takes it to a really toxic place. People really feel like when they're ruminating, they're thinking through a problem, but they're not.” They're catastrophizing and globalizing a problem-- and staying stuck.

If you’re flooded in a meeting

I was in a meeting and I got an alert on my phone about the gunman, and I was frozen in worry. Glass says, “Acknowledge it. You can even say "Oh, I'm so sorry. I just got a very upsetting alert. I'm sure we're all thinking about what happened on Tuesday."

Carolyn Glass stresses, “There are certainly times and places where it is appropriate to stop for a second. We have to be able to process. But let the processing direct our efforts towards community building, towards grassroots political involvement, not our own individual worrying. That doesn't bring us anywhere.”

That’s what I’m working on; stopping the myth that worrying is productive in changing anything, or that I can worry danger away. Here, Julie Lythcott-Haims has good advice: seek human connection. She says, “Talk about it with others. Sit with a person or people you trust and create space for each of you to say what you're feeling. Let each person take their turn. Practice active listening with each other, which means your comments are only a reflection back of what you heard them say without any judgment, opinion, or relating to it in your own way. This is how we help each other feel heard and demonstrate that we are listening. Everyone takes their turn. Everyone's feelings are valid and matter.”

Julie’s piece has wonderful ideas for actions you can take to fight back against gun violence.