When words speak more than actions...

The nature of my work makes me meet new people along the way. Meeting these people on the therapy chair, gives me access to those areas of their lives that they would like to change or overcome.

As I sat to pen down my words, I couldn’t help but recollect this particular instance. A girl, of age 15, with a pleasant face and striking personality walking in with her mother to meet me on my therapy chair.

The girl was tall, had long locks tide into a bun, attired in ripped jeans and a baggy shirt. Her ear covered with studs, she had long nails painted black and had more tattoos than I could count. She constantly chewed gum. Her name was Lisa. (Pseudo name)

Her mother began by telling me, how disobedient she was and that her actions were a cause of disgrace. While the mother hurled her with accusations, I watched the expression on Lisa’s face. She had not a wrinkle of remorse. After hearing all that the mother had to say, I turned my attention to Lisa.

Lisa was filled with hate for her mother and refused to speak in her presence. The mother left the room, rather disappointed. Lisa at first was reluctant to open up, but after much effort I saw success. She began by saying, “I do not like the present me” and went on to mention that in her younger days, she had been a bright kid, participating in extracurricular activities and as conceded a spot among the top 3 in elocution. I then asked her, what made her the person she is today? With tears in her eyes she narrated; one day in the summer of 2011, she was home alone. And sneaked into her parents’ room, with leisure on her side she found a lipstick from her mother’s drawer. She grabbed a magazine, selected a look and attempted at replicating it.

She tied her hair up in a half ponytail, removing strands of hair from near her ears. Wore one of her favorite outfits and glided the lipstick on her lips. This was the first time she has tried wearing a lipstick. Obviously, for a first attempt the application was hideous; but she fancied the reflection of her work in the mirror.

Her moment of self-praise was interrupted by the sound of footsteps walking towards the room. She had very little time to undo what she had achieved. She quickly rubber the lipstick, opened her hair in an attempt to quickly undo what was achieved. The door opened, her mother waked into her face with smeared makeup and burst into laughter at sight. She quickly exclaimed, “Lisa, you look like a prostitute”.

Saying this Lisa, burst into tears. Chocking up on her emotions, she said, “How! Just How! Can a mother say such to her child”. She told me that she from that day on perceived herself to be shallow and lived her life from then on as a rebellious.

A word said is like an arrow left from a bow. The words we speak are capable of piercing through the deepest layers and creating deep wounds which in some cases take a lifetime to heal. 

In Words That Hurt, Words That Heal, Joseph Telushkin writes about the moral implications of what we say. He points out that most people choose their clothes more carefully than they choose their words, yet, “Unless you’ve been a victim of terrible physical violence, chances are the worst pains you have suffered in life have come from words.” The simple fact is that what we say about others can not only hurt feelings, it can damage reputations and affect the way the person we talk about is treated or thought of.

Ethical speech – speaking fairly, respectfully, responsibly, and carefully about others – is an easy duty to neglect. Here’s an easy test: ask yourself how the person you’re talking about would feel if he or she overheard the conversation. And would you be willing to say what you said if the object of your gossip was present?