Powerful Empathy: When Words Fail...

"At the end of the day, people will forget  what you said & did, but they will remember how you made them feel.”  Maya Angelou

Have you ever had a ‘wake up call’ about how you live your life? I had one the other day – a moment where I suddenly got some deeper perspective about the difference between my daily hassles and first world problems and the much more profound problems many people face in their lives…

I was chatting with my friends over dinner one evening and the conversation topic was around defining moments in our lives. As we all spoke about different events that had shaped our lives my friend began telling me about an incident during his early twenties, which had left some deep emotional scars.

Deep Emotional Scars…

One of his closest friends at the time had some marriage problems and as a gesture of support my friend had offered to stay at their home for a couple of days and look after their children so they could have some time out to work on their relationship.

Over the next couple of days he helped the children with their daily routines of kindergarten, school, sports, homework and evening meals. The children were initially quite withdrawn due to the conflict between their parents but gradually warmed to him. By the time a few days had passed, they were smiling and laughing again.

When their parents came home they immediately began arguing and fighting with each other again. As the noise of the parents arguing grew louder the children became quiet and then all of a sudden their 4-year-old daughter began to cry uncontrollably.

Why Are You Being So Nice To Me…?

Seeing this young child so distressed, my friend quickly went in to try and comfort her. As he tried to reassure her with kind and supportive words she got angry and said in a demanding voice “I can’t take this anymore – why are you being so nice to me when my parents hate me?” She stood still, in the middle of the room sobbing – feeling completely lost and unloved while her parents yelled abuse at each other in the background.

In that moment, my friend described his own complete despair and anguish at seeing this little girl in so much emotional pain. He felt distraught and his mind went blank. There were no words that could console her in the moment… No attempts to explain his kindness would stop her tears… No amount of reassurance that her parents loved her and didn’t really mean all the things they were saying could plug the gaping hole in her heart.

When Words Are Not Enough…

“Actions speak louder than words…” Mark Twain

In that moment, when all seemed hopeless, my friend picked up the little girl and wrapped his arms around her and gave her the biggest, warmest hug. Squeezing her tightly until her crying began to slow. He held onto her until she became calm – a moment that seemed to last for an eternity. But eventually she did calm down and was able to re-connect with her parents and somewhat cheer up before giving him another hug as he said goodbye.

Many years later as he recalled that event whilst we were having dinner together I could see tears welling in his eyes. He told us how he was so glad he was able to give that little girl a great big hug when she needed it and how glad he was that he stopped talking in that moment when there were no explanations that would have comforted her. He told us that the simple caring gesture of holding her in his arms was more powerful than anything he could have said as she stood there distressed and crying.

Stop Talking & Start Caring...

We all sat silently after he finished telling us about this profound experience in his life. The contrast between this little girl’s distress and helplessness and my own worries and problems left me feeling somewhat ashamed of myself – overreacting to relatively minor things in comparison.

I also began thinking about all the times as a parent where I had missed opportunities to simply hug my children and show them how much I loved and cared for them instead of talking to them and giving them explanations and justifications when family tensions or problems were occurring.

It was such a great reminder for me – such a great ‘wake up call’ to remember that simply listening and responding with a hug, a pat on the back, or other gesture of support when someone is really upset and distressed can often be far more important than talking and providing explanations. Knowing when to Stop Talking and Start Caring is a Life Lesson I was grateful to be reminded about.

How about you? When people you love are upset or distressed do you need to stop talking and start showing you care more deeply by simply listening and affirming them with a hug?

Ride The Waves of Life!

Dr Pete Stebbins

Dr Pete Stebbins, PhD, is a workplace psychologist and executive coach with interests in Resilience, High Performance Teams & Leadership. He is a wannabe soul surfer who is passionate about life and living. Contact: [email protected] or visit drpetestebbins.com

READ THE BOOK! If you liked this article then read 'Resilience: The 7 Life Lessons' by Dr Pete