When Venting Negative Emotions Doesn’t Work & What To Do About It

I’ve noticed, within myself, that certain feelings will surface whenever specific circumstances happen.

The natural way to perceive this, for me at least, is to then say, “I always feel that way whenever ________ happens.”

• Perhaps I tend to run away whenever someone shows me that they want to be closer, more intimate...?
• Maybe it’s anger whenever I get trapped behind someone not paying attention to the green arrow in the left-hand turn lane at a stoplight...?
• Or maybe it’s anxiety whenever I have to speak in front of a small group...?

A lot of times, we explain away our behavior & emotional responses by saying something like, “That’s just who I am.”

The problem with saying that is that it presumes that you’ll never grow in that area.

Most of us will just say something like, “I need to vent,” and then go and dump whatever spews out from that source on some loved one.

“Venting” is taught as a good and healthy way to express our emotions. After all, it’s got to be better than repressing my emotions, right?

Yes, venting—or, allowing an expression—for my emotions is good, and healthy.

That’s not the problem. The problem is in being unable (or unwilling) to distinguish between actual expression, and what most of us call venting: which is repressing the source of the pain, and “venting” only the tip of the iceberg, as though it were the entire thing.

That’s ok for most people, actually. If I choose to take that well-traveled path I’ll be in good (as in, lots of people) company.

However, if I’m going to be responsible for my feelings, decisions, and my own personal growth, I’ll have to go a little deeper….

What’s Really Going On When I Tell Myself: “If X happens, I'll feel Y”?

In reality “Y” is a feeling that’s waiting—looking—for an opportunity to express itself; and when “X” is presented, “Y” quickly identifies it as the opportunity that it’s been waiting for to escape.

The problem with constantly venting is that, while it can release and relieve the built-up, internal pressure, unless I also let go of the source of that feeling, then as soon as I “close the vent” the pressure/feeling will begin to build up again.

It hides in the shadows of my natural responses, but reveals its identity by its entirely negative effects—similar to how cancer cells operate.

This emotional "cancer" mimics my digestive system: which, when working naturally, will take in the nutrients from some kind of “life”, and then use my body’s natural exhaust system to expel the waste, right? 

On the contrary, this “venting my negative emotions” kind of cycle is so exhausting (pun intended) because it mimics nature, and so seems natural. 

However, it is not derived from any sort of emotional “nutrition”. Instead, it’s just a “waste factory” that we can usually feel writhing its way through us, in our stomachs, ironically. 

It’s as though our body’s trying, in vain, to digest something that’s indigestible—which, of course, it is, because there’s no “life” that can first be gleaned from it—just waste. 

On top of that, it wastes energy until it’s “vented”, and it tends to use up all our reserves of patience, while we wait for it to scrape its way out of us.

And this is just what it does to me.

How do you think it affects those closest to us? The ones we trust enough to “vent” to?

I decide (usually not a conscious decision, but still set in motion because I chose not to address what’s really going on) that I’m going to release the pressure built-up on the inside of me. Then I sweep under the rug any negative feelings attached to this decision (like, guilt of dumping on a loved one; or, the shame of keeping the source secret while pretending like I’m “letting go”)—again, usually not consciously.

If this were all happening consciously, it would be much more difficult for it to become a cycle. I would be forced to look at an actual mirror and confront my own behavior that I’d clearly see staring back at me.

However, it stays hidden, and only reveals itself to me by the “fruit” that comes from it:

• It repeats itself.
• I don’t feel better (or, I feel better only temporarily) after sharing how I’m feeling.
• It (usually) announces its existence by turning my stomach (area) into knots.

It all stems from me not wanting to deal with the (often traumatic) source of the “actual” pain. 

So How Do I Let Go Of The Actual Source?

Sometimes, it’s going to be really hard, requiring real forgiveness and doing some actual cooperative work with another person. Even better would be: a group of people that’re all striving to keep their thoughts in line, and that’re actively monitoring their emotions. This makes it more of a “this is what we do” type-scenario, where I know my peers and the people that I’m modeling myself after would all be proactively addressing this issue taking responsibility for their emotions.

Another avenue, as an option, would be to go to a professional (Psychiatrist, Mentor, Coach, etc) over an extended period of time. This way, obviously, is much more expensive, and so I’d only choose this way if I actually valued being emotionally sound above my own money. 

Again, it helps here to have—within my circle of friends and acquaintances—people that’ve taken this path before me. That way, I can make a more educated decision (based on their results) of whether or not being free of these emotional triggers and internal crap factories is actually worth it. They can give me their experience (good or bad) and the benefit of (albeit, 2nd-hand) hindsight prior to me deciding if that sounds like it’d work for me as well.

For me, I always try to go “above” it, along a more spiritual path and ask God for grace and guidance, and insight, to really root it out. 

I’m usually very adept at justifying my self-talk and decisions…well, to other people, or to myself…not so much to God. As a Christian, however, I don’t believe unforgiveness is an option. The closer I am, in my walk with God, the sooner I recognize when I’ve been harboring—providing a safe haven for—resentments, and other offenses against me.

No matter which way I choose to go, it all starts with changing my mind. Once I’ve changed my mind on valuing the fear (or whatever it is) that’s feeding this inner turmoil above the freedom of being rid of it, then I’m able to pick which path I want to take in order to rid myself of it. This change of mind often requires a 180-turn-around in my thinking. Depending on the amount of momentum the negative feeling has—and how deep the groove has become in the channels of my mind—this decision can appear discouragingly daunting to begin.

That’s why someone else, that’s trusted, may be necessary. The initial turn, or shift, in my thinking may require someone else’s assistance to get started. This is completely normal, needing help. After all, if I could do it all by myself, then I wouldn’t require you, me, or anyone else’s aid. I’d likely be able to lift the burden myself.

I say all this because these types of extra-emotional baggage tend to have wedged themselves in pretty deep into our psyche.

These emotional triggers are usually guarded by some kind of familiarity that itself automatically triggers a justification inside of us when we initially start to want to begin their removal process.

Then, like a weed that shoots out spores of its seeds whenever it’s touched, after you’ve bent down to pull it out, these insidious emotional discomforts have their own "thought defenses".

Sometimes, they’re so old they’re like baby teeth in us, that are long-overdue to be pulled out. Other, more recent, negative trigger-feelings have embedded their hooks within an emotional nerve that hurts when we go to remove them. You may benefit from the help of someone that’s skilled in the area of emotional, mental, or even spiritual “surgery”. 

Sounds like a lot of work, potentially? It can be: diagnosing them, first, and then determining how best to remove them. And granted, there’s no “emotional insurance” that you can get to pay for specialists to assist you. What I’ve found—not every time, but often—is that once I’ve taken that first step, things start to get set into motion. 

Once I’ve changed my mind about either wanting them out, or by discovering the damage that they’re doing (and then wanting them out), these unwelcome, evil, foreign objects that’re inside of me immediately have a due date. Their shelf life is set, and the countdown begins, and one way or another, they’re leaving.

Whether I seek out the assistance &/or guidance of someone else through their experience and wisdom. Or if I have to starve them to death, by refusing to feed them with my feelings—by cutting off the thoughts and emotions that they try and stir up. Or if I loosen their grip by choosing to face them courageously, and start attacking their increasingly false-sounding “self-defense” thoughts. 

The bottom-line, foundational belief here is that I believe it’s my responsibility. It’s my choice. And whichever way I choose to go about it, once I’ve changed my mind from, “This is who I am,” to “This is preventing me from becoming who I am,” then I’ve (re)positioned myself back on the track of personal responsibility, where I can’t help but to grow, and towards freedom.

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