When Throwaway Words Are Taken to Heart

Julie Delpy is a French American actor, director and Oscar nominated screenwriter.

I first saw her in the film Homo Faber, with Sam Shepard. It is one of her earliest films and she plays a character half Shepard’s age.

Shepard himself is a renowned playwright and actor. At the time of the film, Shepard was already established as a leading literary light.

Years later, Delpy recounted the moment she shared her first screenplay with Shepard, which was during the filming of the movie.

He apparently read the first line and said,

‘Stay pretty. Don’t write.’

Perhaps unsurprisingly, that caused her to question her abilities.

Recently, Demi Moore, who has been nominated for, and won, a series of awards for her role in the movie Substance, shared how a producer had told her she was a ‘popcorn actress’. This was at a time when she had already achieved significant fame as an actress, starring in 20 films that grossed over $1.5 billion globally.

She shared how this comment had impacted her and influenced her subsequent choices.

We don’t know the intent of Shepard or the producer. They may have uttered their words as throwaway comments. But that wasn’t their impact.

Clearly, there wasn’t much constructive substance in either’s words.

But it’s testament to the power of words – especially from those in positions of relative power – and the damage they can do to people’s self-esteem and their ability to fully realize their potential.

How often has your confidence been knocked by a seemingly throwaway line?

And how often have you uttered such a throwaway comment and dented another person’s confidence?

Maybe you thought you were being funny, maybe you were yourself experiencing a low, or maybe you were irritated with the demands of everyday life and leadership. But those are the precise moments to pause.

Fortunately, in both these instances Delpy and Moore rallied and produced outstanding work.

Indeed, sometimes people recover immediately from such words, and sometimes they take time to regroup and get on with their work - but sometimes they simply lose trust in their abilities.

Do you want to be the flame diminisher or the flame inspirer?

If the latter, be careful with your throwaway comments. Their recipients may gather them up and hold onto them for a long time.

? Andrea Stone, Stone Leadership

Andrea Stone is a former marketing leader in tech-oriented global companies, turned Executive Coach and Educator, who works with technology leaders and their teams to improve performance and achieve self-defined success.

She runs signature programs and designs customized learning and development engagements combining leadership, EQ and technology to enable sustainable growth.