When Things Fall Apart
When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times (20th Anniversary Edition) by Pema Chodron (SHAMBHALA Publications, Boulder, Colorado, 2016), reviewed by Steve Gladis, July 2020.
Overview: This book is a compilation of wisdom. It is like reading the Bible, the Koran, or other sacred texts. Loaded with wisdom of the ages, this book can comfort us all today, especially in the midst of uncertainty and anxiety. The book’s central message: When things fall apart or wildly succeed, letting go—allowing room for grief and joy—produces healing.
1. Introduction. Whether in chaos or bliss, Pema Chodron, a well-respected Buddhist teacher, instructs us “…we all need to be reminded and encouraged to relax with whatever arises and bring whatever we encounter to the path.” And along our path, we inevitably experience fear, which she characterizes as “…a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth.” Early on, we’re taught to avoid fear, sweeten it up (think: putting lipstick on a pig), even run away from fear. But the author teaches us to face fear as a kind of gift that we can learn from. Indeed, our journey isn’t about finding the ideal but learning from the real. When things fall apart or wildly succeed, letting go—allowing room for grief and joy— produces healing. “When there’s a big disappointment, we don’t know if that’s the end of the story. It may be just the beginning of a great adventure.” Learning how to live with uncertainty, not panic, during chaos is the path forward.
2. This Very Moment. Now—this moment—is the “perfect teacher.” When life tosses us a curveball, and we swing and miss, it’s hard not to be disappointed. We try to soften the pain by shopping, drinking, and eating. Rather, the simple practice of meditation, being in the present moment, opens us up to a larger world of understanding. The key to being on the path, often in unknown territory, is to keep moving with compassion by “cultivating human bravery and kindheartedness.” We don’t sit in meditation to become good meditators. We sit in meditation to be more awake in our lives. Meditation allows us to sit in this very moment. In meditation, as thoughts arise and pass by (and they will), we acknowledge them as “thinking” and let them float by like clouds as we stay in the present. “Awareness is found in our pleasure and our pain, our confusion and our wisdom, available in each moment of our weird, unfathomable, ordinary lives.”
3. Loving Ourselves. Caring about others requires us to start with ourselves. Having self-compassion—loving kindness and unconditional friendship—is at the foundation for caring for others. This is not about self-improvement; it is about self-awareness. Rather than focusing on self-disapproval, when we practice curiosity, gentleness and letting go, we relax and discover clarity. We all have our demons, like rage and jealousy, and most of us run away from them. We escape and miss the joy and happiness in our very midst. Chodron says, “When we want to complain about the rain, we could feel its wetness instead.” The way to shed light in the darkness is to practice loving kindness toward ourselves. At the center of Buddhist teaching sits the notion of “do no harm” to ourselves or others. And mindfulness meditation keeps us grounded in the present and restrains us from embracing momentary bright, shiny objects as an escape (acting impulsively).
4. More Wisdom Notes. This book is full of sage advice:
a. Happiness and Disappointment. "Thinking that we can find some lasting pleasure and avoid pain is what in Buddhism is called samsara, a hopeless cycle that goes round and round endlessly and causes us to suffer greatly." Too often we only want to see happiness, unable to understand the pain of life. We become dismayed and suffer when things don’t go well. Instead, we need to look happiness and disappointment in the eye and think: This is life.
b. Cause No Harm. “…not being aggressive with our actions, our speech, or our minds. Learning not to cause harm to ourselves or others is a basic Buddhist teaching on the healing power of nonaggression.”
c. Eight Worldly Dharmas. “We might feel that somehow we should try to eradicate [these] 8 feelings of pleasure and pain, loss and gain, praise and blame, and fame and disgrace. A more practical approach would be to get to know them, see how they hook us…and how they color our perception.…”
d. Servants of Peace. “When we are in training in the art of peace, we are not given any promises that, because of our noble intentions, everything will be okay….We learn that what truly heals is gratitude and tenderness.”
e. Widening the Circle of Compassion. “Only in an open, nonjudgmental space can we acknowledge what we are feeling. Only in an open space where we’re not all caught up in our own version of reality can we see and hear and feel who others really are, which allows us to be with them and communicate with them properly.”
f. Six Kinds of Loneliness. “Usually we regard loneliness as the enemy. Heartache is not something we choose to invite in. However, when we can relax into loneliness, a coolness comes, comprised of 6 ways to deal with loneliness: less desire, contentment, avoiding unnecessary activity, complete discipline, not wandering in the world, and not seeking security from one’s discursive thoughts.”